“Food or Fist.”
“I notice you only have ‘Mike and Ike’ and ‘Chiclets.’ That doesn’t bode well for you. Not well at all…”
“One container holds confetti, the other kerosene…”
“There’s the easy way to handle this and then there’s the unpleasant way. Frankly, I’m comfortable with both.”
“I’m calling from your kitchen. Where are the Gobbstoppers?”
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Monday, October 29, 2007
Halloween Party Rules, Reminders and Regrets
• Although the 80’s undoubtedly provide a wellspring of crowd-pleasing costume ideas, that still doesn’t make the concept of a grown man dressed as Punky Brewster any less creepy.
• As clever as you might believe it to be, never dress as the ghost of a recently shot celebrity.
• If you are a white male and have decided to go as either Mr. Miyagi from “The Karate Kid” or Bookman from “Good Times,” you deserve every punch to the face you get.
• Any costume that requires an assistant or colostomy bag for regular bladder relief is far too complicated of an outfit.
• Nothing combines tragedy and comedy like the sight of someone floating dead in the host’s swimming pool dressed as Spongebob Squarepants.
• Should two people dressed up as Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots get into a vicious bar brawl, realize this is why cellphones now come with cameras.
• When opting for a homemade costume, know that there is a fine line between expressing one’s immense creativity and revealing one’s abject poverty.
• Should you and your significant other go to the party as a pimp and his whore, please understand that conclusions will be drawn.
• If you find yourself repeatedly exclaiming, “Jesus, doesn’t anyone know the works of John Cassavetes!” you’ve clearly dressed up as far too obscure of a movie character.
• Don’t drink to the point that you begin to mistake your costume for your uniform.
• Going as a victim of Tourette’s Syndrome not only eliminates the need for a particular wardrobe but also allows you to express yourself in ways you never imagined permissible in polite society or an office party.
• You and your friends can only remain dressed as a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for so long before tensions start to rise.
• Any Halloween costume that requires a concealed weapon is perhaps one best left on the drawing board.
• If you attend a Halloween party dressed as an alcoholic—and you are in fact an alcoholic—appreciate the awkward situation that you have just created for your host.
• Going as a Rubik’s Cube will only frustrate fellow guests and leave you exceptionally sore.
• No matter what the costume, don’t wear a dog collar unless a good 80% of the partygoers are sporting leather and zipper masks.
• Forget Jason, Michael Myers or Freddy Kruger. There is no more frightening of a costume than a clown carrying a bloody knife and dragging a full, leaking Hefty bag.
• Should more than five people look at your costume and utter, “I don’t get it,” you might have overestimated the general public’s grasp of 17th century social satire.
• As clever as you might believe it to be, never dress as the ghost of a recently shot celebrity.
• If you are a white male and have decided to go as either Mr. Miyagi from “The Karate Kid” or Bookman from “Good Times,” you deserve every punch to the face you get.
• Any costume that requires an assistant or colostomy bag for regular bladder relief is far too complicated of an outfit.
• Nothing combines tragedy and comedy like the sight of someone floating dead in the host’s swimming pool dressed as Spongebob Squarepants.
• Should two people dressed up as Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots get into a vicious bar brawl, realize this is why cellphones now come with cameras.
• When opting for a homemade costume, know that there is a fine line between expressing one’s immense creativity and revealing one’s abject poverty.
• Should you and your significant other go to the party as a pimp and his whore, please understand that conclusions will be drawn.
• If you find yourself repeatedly exclaiming, “Jesus, doesn’t anyone know the works of John Cassavetes!” you’ve clearly dressed up as far too obscure of a movie character.
• Don’t drink to the point that you begin to mistake your costume for your uniform.
• Going as a victim of Tourette’s Syndrome not only eliminates the need for a particular wardrobe but also allows you to express yourself in ways you never imagined permissible in polite society or an office party.
• You and your friends can only remain dressed as a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for so long before tensions start to rise.
• Any Halloween costume that requires a concealed weapon is perhaps one best left on the drawing board.
• If you attend a Halloween party dressed as an alcoholic—and you are in fact an alcoholic—appreciate the awkward situation that you have just created for your host.
• Going as a Rubik’s Cube will only frustrate fellow guests and leave you exceptionally sore.
• No matter what the costume, don’t wear a dog collar unless a good 80% of the partygoers are sporting leather and zipper masks.
• Forget Jason, Michael Myers or Freddy Kruger. There is no more frightening of a costume than a clown carrying a bloody knife and dragging a full, leaking Hefty bag.
• Should more than five people look at your costume and utter, “I don’t get it,” you might have overestimated the general public’s grasp of 17th century social satire.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places...
Email published with permission of author:
hey francesco...
my name is stephan pastis...i do a strip called "pearls before swine"....i'm real sorry to be a bother, but is there any chance i could get a right-facing full body pose of Ted from you?....i've looked through the strips online and can't seem to find one...
i'm doing a series where my main character, Rat, is a concierge at a hotel, and i'd love to have Ted approach him trying to hire a prostitute for the night...he needs a break from Sally....
Stephan
Stephan:
Okay, I've read this message three times and I'm still laughing.
I don't do the artwork but I can get you said sketch (actually, I can do it for you. I've done enough joke strips of the characters that I can draw them pretty accurately). However, there are a few conditions:
1. If this is indeed not a joke--and you are indeed Stephan--can I have the original artwork?
2. Ted is still unemployed, so cost will be an issue. With few dollars to his name we may be talking more a quick yank behind the dumpster than anything else.
3. Can I post your email request on my site? I know that may ruin the surprise of the gag but trust me, the fact Ted's cruising for a woman is going to be enough of a shock to bring in the readers.
4. Can I have the original artwork?
Ces
UPDATE: Apparently a lot of people on the Net think this is either a hoax or I've been punk'd, both of which I can completely understand. However, Stephan and I had a great, long conversation over the phone this morning and everything has been planned out for a mid-February run...complete with an added twist.
hey francesco...
my name is stephan pastis...i do a strip called "pearls before swine"....i'm real sorry to be a bother, but is there any chance i could get a right-facing full body pose of Ted from you?....i've looked through the strips online and can't seem to find one...
i'm doing a series where my main character, Rat, is a concierge at a hotel, and i'd love to have Ted approach him trying to hire a prostitute for the night...he needs a break from Sally....
Stephan
Stephan:
Okay, I've read this message three times and I'm still laughing.
I don't do the artwork but I can get you said sketch (actually, I can do it for you. I've done enough joke strips of the characters that I can draw them pretty accurately). However, there are a few conditions:
1. If this is indeed not a joke--and you are indeed Stephan--can I have the original artwork?
2. Ted is still unemployed, so cost will be an issue. With few dollars to his name we may be talking more a quick yank behind the dumpster than anything else.
3. Can I post your email request on my site? I know that may ruin the surprise of the gag but trust me, the fact Ted's cruising for a woman is going to be enough of a shock to bring in the readers.
4. Can I have the original artwork?
Ces
UPDATE: Apparently a lot of people on the Net think this is either a hoax or I've been punk'd, both of which I can completely understand. However, Stephan and I had a great, long conversation over the phone this morning and everything has been planned out for a mid-February run...complete with an added twist.
Zombies Attack New York, Eat Ice Cream
Lesson: Always carry a camera...and a broadsword to decapitate the undead.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Sally Forth Gets a Shout-Out in Pitchfork
Pitchfork picks up on a perhaps hamfisted and possibly incongrous mention of an indie rock group in the strip.
By the way, I promise to not try to work in a Clap Your Hands Say Yeah reference anytime soon. I mean enough is enough.
Monday, October 1, 2007
Ted Forth: The Man, The Myth...The Wikipedia Entry?
I'm...I'm just thinking out loud...just pitching an idea into the electronic ether...just...just bringing up possibilities for those so inclined to perhaps, oh, I don't know...create such things...such "Wikipedia" things...things like an entry devoted to a particular...um...you know...character...UPDATE: There is indeed now a Ted Forth Wikipedia entry, courtesy of renowned Tedologist Yellojkt, author of Ted Forth, My Hero and Sally's Hero: Ted Forth, Part Deaux. Many, many thanks, Yellojkt!
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