Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Revelations from Dick Cheney's Upcoming Simon & Schuster Memoir

Fearing security leaks, Cheney was inspired by a Sigur Ros album to begin communicating with his staff in a language of his own design. Vice-President then grew increasingly incensed when no one followed through on his command to “Byorfumnar skallipt.”

Scott McClellen learned through reporters’ questions that Cheney had assembled his own alternate Cabinet, with each member possessing a special skill like “super speed” or “ability to shape air.”

Overhearing that laughter is infectious, Cheney secretly appropriated $14 billion from the Defense budget for the research and development of a “killer humor contagion.”

Cheney once opened official ceremony by singing his own version of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” featuring many lines cribbed from Mickey Spillane novels.

Vice President took to screaming “Cheney smash!” to quell dissent or prevent tahini from being served in Capitol cafeteria..

Clearly enjoying the freedom that can only from being a politician not seeking re-election, Cheney taught his office rhesus monkey how to load and fire a Luger.

Cheney paid staff in “Cheney-o’s,” redeemable only at participating Dick Cheney Retail Stores.

Cheney relied on his own instincts and perception of what is right for the nation to cold-cock a nun

Thursday, June 4, 2009

My Three Moneymaking Ideas

In the late 1890’s, the head of the United States Patent Office advocated closing his department for good, stating with full confidence that everything that could be invented had been. Which is why today America remains at the forefront of whalebone whittling technology; Nielsen Ratings show reading the Sears Roebuck catalog is the leading form of weekly entertainment (followed closely by watching either candles burn or relatives succumb to consumption); and scientists continue to make great strides in the hopes of one day curing the leading cause of death in our nation, accidental wheat scythe beheadings.

Truth is, ingenuity is rarely appreciated in its time, especially in business. In fact, I'm practically brimming over with great industry ideas, even a few that do not involve elaborate revenge fantasies or sure-fire schemes to win handsomely at roulette. Yet for some inexplicable reason the following long-held brilliant concepts have yet to see the light of day or get me past the receptionist desk at most corporate headquarters, small business offices or even my dad’s place of work:

• A house plant that actually thrives under routine neglect and the occasional arc of cat piss
• A sitcom about mismatched roommates, one a refined neat freak unaccustomed to squalor, the other an escaped Colobus monkey with a loaded handgun and steadily improving aim
• A microwaveable single-serving Hot Pocket dinner that does not end with the lonely, malnourished consumer crying over both a woeful financial status that would greatly concern friends and a pitiful social calendar that would greatly bemuse Capuchin nuns

So why are we now not living in a world replete with lush albeit less-than-favorably aromatic ferns, meals that actually promote a positive self-image and program after program featuring homicidal primates? I don't know, people. I just don't know.

It's a Personal Blog so Write Something Personal

Although I have been keeping this blog for almost two years it has become my understand that while I write a lot of nonsense on this site I tend rarely to share much in the way of personal information. This has been a calculated move to say the least, since I'm a private person by nature and have had some blowback from the few times I did reveal my life online (the result of circumstances, not of anyone's doing or intent).

But I am trying to change that, if only that I could greatly benefit from self-reflection at times, this being one of them. So without further ado here is some bullet point revelations about yours truly. Thanks for reading this far.

* I cannot swim.

* I learned to drive well after I grew up, meaning that when it comes to prowess behind the wheel I make Mr. Magoo look like A.J. Foyt.

* Although I received confirmation from the Catholic Church, I have never actually given confession. I also never attended any church classes between Communion and Confirmation, instead lying to sneak in the last year because all my friends were having their Bar Mitzvahs and I felt I was missing in on the fun.

* I can engender sympathy remarkably easily and fear I use that as a crutch.

* According to a few medical tests, I do not possess a sense of smell.

* As a child I was so overwhelmingly shy that a girl who I had shared several classes with from elementary through high school--and knew by name--approached me in the 12th grade and kindly asked if I had just transferred to her school distict.

* I did not have a girlfriend until sophomore year of college. She opted to keep her virginity.

* I write because although I am shy, I do crave great attention...just not always in person.

* As an English major I chose to challenge myself academically by taking Physics--not Oceonography--as my one science requirement, only to wind up with a D-, a grade that I could only achieve thanks to constant instruction from my roommate Drew.

* I'm developing on a kid's show that may have just landed a celebrity to voice a character.

* After a night of grain alcohol and rented outdoor hot tubs on my college campus I awoke to find myself in a piano room of the Music Building, naked (and alone), forcing me to run back to my dorm at 7:30 Sunday morning only to crash into a very nice girl from my floor, her Bible study group and her visiting mom.

• I lost count of just how many times I revised this list for both personal and professional reasons.