Friday, February 19, 2010

What Kind of Friend Are You?: A Short Quiz

When a friend says they need help moving, do you immediately note how the two of you have been drifting apart as of late?

If a friend confides in you something truly personal and highly embarrassing is your first thought, "Hello, blog entry!"

Should a friend request a small loan, do you discreetly bring up the issue of "usury fees"?

When a friend calls to say that their car broke down and they could really use a lift, do you politely remind them that you only have so many cell phone minutes available for out-of-network callers and it would be preferable if they called after 9 P.M.?

Do you think it’s best to have a lot of casual friends, a few really close friends or a nice, tasty sandwich?

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Things You Will Never Overhear at the 2010 Winter Olympics

“Wow, NBC hasn’t focused on a single American athlete yet.”

“Once again a doping scandal has rocked the curling world.”

“You want to see team unity? You should check out the Italians.”

“The network only wants objective ‘video dairies’ on the athletes. Don’t play on the viewers’ emotions.”

“China and Taiwan have decided to share the gold medal.”

“For me, nothing embodies the true spirit of the Ancient Greek Olympic games like snowboarding.”

“Now that I won the gold, I want to become a professional biathlonist.”

“We completely sold out of modern nordic combined T-shirts again."

"And the fight for the ice hockey championship has come down to a final two--Andora vs. Tonga."

“Man, Portugal’s winning everything!”

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

How to Celebrate/Tolerate Valentine's Day

Well, it's almost Valentine's Day—or as anyone not presently involved in a relationship likes to call it, "The Second Sunday of February." Whether you are hoping to embrace or simply endure the upcoming holiday, here are some helpful hints to make the most/least of the big/nothing day ahead:

How to Celebrate Valentine's Day
• Select a restaurant where the ambience cannot succinctly be captured by the phrases "Now with Six Large-Screen TVs!" or "All-Night Rolling Rock Specials!"
• A gift does not have to be expensive to be expressive of your true feelings. That said, any present that prominently features the statement "Best if used by this date" may say little more than just that you passed a corner grocer on your way home.
• While you are certainly not expected to pen a romantic sonnet for the ages, do remember that a Valentine's Day card is not the proper medium to showcase your ribald sense of humor, your unwillingness to let go of any past grievances or your ability to find just the right word to rhyme with "booty."

How to Tolerate Valentine's Day
• While you need not avoid restaurants this Sunday, it may prevent you from remarking to any celebrants within earshot just how fat people get when they are in a long-term relationship.
• Amuse yourself by always preceding the phrase "happy couple" with the word "supposedly."
• Should a coworker ask if you have a date for the big day, quickly yet politely change the topic of conversation to address your fellow employee's remarkably poor taste in fashion, their woeful skin care regimen or just about any failing on their part that immediately catches your eye and ire.

Monday, February 8, 2010

The First Rap Single from "F.O.G."

Note: Please excuse the newly cryptic tone of the following post. It was done so on the subject's request for professional reasons. (A subject who also stated that the enigmatic posturing will be dropped the moment he makes "a shitload of money and becomes famous anonymously first.")

MP3: "Here's Looking at You" by F.O.G. (from the EP The Notorious F.O.G.)