Sunday, December 26, 2010

Natasha: 1993-2010

An amazing, beautiful, warm, brilliant, friendly cat I was extremely fortunate to call family and friend. She was my constant companion for almost 18 years and I am happy she was able to share Christmas with Kim and me.

I miss her dearly and always will.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"Sally Forth: Turn off the Smirk" Delayed Again

With 172 blood-soaked previews and no opening date in sight, Broadway's Sally Forth: Turn off the Smirk musical has been delayed yet again after six actors were injured in high-flying acrobatics and another 47 were accidentally decapitated during a song about office politics. As of right now the production consists solely of Ted Forth talking endlessly to a very confused, elderly Walgreen's clerk about Star Blazers.

When asked for comment, director Julie Taymor said through a representative, "I don't get this strip. Is the husband mentally and/or emotionally retarded? Is their daughter Hannah's friend a boy or a girl? Why does one group of secondary characters have nice, normal names like 'Alice' and 'Ralph' while another group of secondary characters have fucked-up names like 'Aria,' 'Faye' and 'Nona'? And why can't my 82' animatronic Kitty destroying Paris in the Forths' dreams work without spewing corrosive acid on the premium ticket theatergoers' seats? Frankly, if it were up to me the whole thing would consist of that mother-in-law person telling everyone off in song and puppetry for three solid hours."

More news as events, falls, concussions and disfigurements warrant.

Monday, December 13, 2010

How to Assemble Inexpensive, Last-Minute Holiday Gifts with Materials that Can Be Found in Your Cubicle or Stolen from the Supply Closet

Non-Electric Lite Brite
Requires: Several hundred colorful pushpins and caulkboard
Instructions: Spend most of Christmas day convincing child that art doesn’t have to glow to be fun.

Toy Light Saber
Requires: Chutzpah
Instructions: Wait until office closes for night. Stand on chair of coworker furthest from your cubicle. Wrap fist carefully in towel. Punch through overhead light fixture. Remove halogen bulb.

Old Fashioned Go Kart
Requires: Duct tape, bubble wrap, coworker standing in front of own computer for good part of next year
Instructions: Take coworker’s wheeled chair. Secure lucky gift recipient safely in chair with generous application of duct tape. Fashion helmet with bubble wrap and additional duct tape. Gently push from top of hilly street. Pray for minimal traffic and no sharp turns.

Concentration Card Game
Requires: Two of every business card you received over past year
Instructions: Mumble apology when child unwraps present.

Retroactive Year-Long Subscription to Your Company’s Publication
Requires: Access to magazine archives
Instructions: Acquire all 6, 12 or 52 issues from past year. Works best with timeless publications covering home repair, cooking or fiction. Will have less success with titles that contain the words “latest investment tips,” “cutting-edge technology” or “Ring in 1998!”

My Very First Coffee Shop
Requires: Cleaning out contents of pantry, absconding with coffee machine
Instructions: Present child with everything they need to play “Starbucks,” including industrial-size coffee maker, paper cups (one marked “Tips”), sugar and Equal packets, stirrers, napkins and, for those under ten, decaffeinated coffee.

Child-Safe Alphabet Blocks
Requires: 26 soft pink erasers, bag from Subway lunch or other take-out meal, fast-dry felt tip pen
Instructions: Write letters and numbers on all sides of erasers. Place set in lunch bag for attractive carrying case. Resist temptation to use alphabet block to correct wrong answer on Sunday crossword puzzle.

Magical Doorknob Game
Requires: Very gullible, perhaps feeble-minded, child
Instructions: Unscrew knob from executive’s office door. Give knob to child. Tell child that it is a “magical doorknob” that will permit him access to anyplace he wishes to enter. Watch as child wanders around house holding doorknob out, believing it to allow him access to such enchanting environments as the open-space living room or hallway. Prevent child from playing game when company is over.

Gift Wastebasket (Contents Already Included)
Requires: Looking under your desk
Instructions: Wrap wastebasket in brilliant red or green cellophane paper. Tie with attractive raffia bow. Deliver immediately before food spoils.

Monday, December 6, 2010

The Entirety of My Dad's Conversations Boiled Down to Ten Phrases

"Don't be a wiseass."

"Did you break it?"

"You wanna know what I find annoying?"

"That cocksucker Obama."

"Why can't I have an opinion?!"

"Somebody today said I look 55/45/like a young Marlon Brando."

"They stole (any concept) from me!"

"Those (any ethnic group but Italians) are ruining this country."

"My left (any body part but penis) is killing me."

"Why doesn't anyone listen to me anymore?"

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Meet My Cat. Live My Pain.

My cat has a problem. An addiction. She has bottomed out and now we must pick up the pieces. (Please note: Tasha's kitty litter is NOT in the bathroom. She has no reason to be there, only sad, sad needs.)

The Beloved Rankin-Bass Special, "Frosty the Businessman"