Monday, October 29, 2007

Halloween Party Rules, Reminders and Regrets

• Although the 80’s undoubtedly provide a wellspring of crowd-pleasing costume ideas, that still doesn’t make the concept of a grown man dressed as Punky Brewster any less creepy.

• As clever as you might believe it to be, never dress as the ghost of a recently shot celebrity.

• If you are a white male and have decided to go as either Mr. Miyagi from “The Karate Kid” or Bookman from “Good Times,” you deserve every punch to the face you get.

• Any costume that requires an assistant or colostomy bag for regular bladder relief is far too complicated of an outfit.

• Nothing combines tragedy and comedy like the sight of someone floating dead in the host’s swimming pool dressed as Spongebob Squarepants.

• Should two people dressed up as Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots get into a vicious bar brawl, realize this is why cellphones now come with cameras.

• When opting for a homemade costume, know that there is a fine line between expressing one’s immense creativity and revealing one’s abject poverty.

• Should you and your significant other go to the party as a pimp and his whore, please understand that conclusions will be drawn.

• If you find yourself repeatedly exclaiming, “Jesus, doesn’t anyone know the works of John Cassavetes!” you’ve clearly dressed up as far too obscure of a movie character.

• Don’t drink to the point that you begin to mistake your costume for your uniform.

• Going as a victim of Tourette’s Syndrome not only eliminates the need for a particular wardrobe but also allows you to express yourself in ways you never imagined permissible in polite society or an office party.

• You and your friends can only remain dressed as a peanut butter & jelly sandwich for so long before tensions start to rise.

• Any Halloween costume that requires a concealed weapon is perhaps one best left on the drawing board.

• If you attend a Halloween party dressed as an alcoholic—and you are in fact an alcoholic—appreciate the awkward situation that you have just created for your host.

• Going as a Rubik’s Cube will only frustrate fellow guests and leave you exceptionally sore.

• No matter what the costume, don’t wear a dog collar unless a good 80% of the partygoers are sporting leather and zipper masks.

• Forget Jason, Michael Myers or Freddy Kruger. There is no more frightening of a costume than a clown carrying a bloody knife and dragging a full, leaking Hefty bag.

• Should more than five people look at your costume and utter, “I don’t get it,” you might have overestimated the general public’s grasp of 17th century social satire.