August 24: My Sunday Bizarro

(Click on image to embiggen)

Reader's Letter to The Toronto Star:

We once called the comic strips the funny pages. Why are they no longer funny? The bulk of the current offerings are negative, some verging on the abhorrent. In this latter category, I place this feeble attempt at humor. At best, it elicits a sigh of disgust. At worst, it mocks The Little Prince, the wartime masterpiece by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. This runaway world best seller may be understood on several levels. It captivates as a children's tale. It symbolically tells the story of creation. At its peak, it is the autobiography of a sensitive and lost soul dedicating his work to a dear friend in need of consolation. The friend is cold and hungry in Nazi-occupied France, while the author is safe in New York. Lines for the story appear in every book of quotations. "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." (The original French is even more beautiful.) Writing like that deserves better treatment than an ill-considered distortion.

That aside, can you name all the space-related cameos that appear in the background of today's strip?

PS: Big thanks once again to Dan Piraro for the great opportunity!

Thanks Again and a Special Shout-Out to "Girls on Girls"!

A big thanks to everyone who read and/or linked to Medium Large this week. You're too kind. Seriously, you really should try to be more inconsiderate once in a while, if only to keep your friends and families guessing.

I also want to give very special "Grazie!" and mention to the podcast Girls on Girls at the Here! TV website, featuring great comedians Anne Neczypor and Jackie Monahan. They thoughtfully mentioned my webcomic on their podcast #15. Please give them a listen. Unless, of course, you happen to be of the conservative mindset, to which I would say you have to listen to them to pry open that ideology a bit more.

Ted Forth's Guide to Celebrating the Last Two Weeks of Summer Indoors, in Your Cubicle, in Complete Denial

• Periodically run up and down the office hallway, screaming “Ice cream man! Ice cream man!”

• Replace office chairs with patio furniture, the copier with a Weber grill and your supervisor with a Slurpee machine.

• Forgo business cards in favor of carefully marked water balloons.

• Gather together a couple of your buddies and go “cruising” around the office in the mail cart.

• Instead of “hello” say “aloha,” instead of “goodbye” say “surf’s up” and instead of “the finished presentation is on your desk” say “God, I so fucking wish I were in Hawaii right now.”

• Introduce “Summer Concert” conference calls (bring guitar).

• Bring the outdoors inside. Release a swarm of cicadas on the senior manager’s floor.

• Refer to the summer intern as “cabana boy.”

• Relive the innocent joys of your childhood summers. Spend the majority of your afternoons sneaking cheap beer.

• Rename the conference room “the summer carnival,” the hallway “the boardwalk” and your cubicle “the nude beach.”

• At 8, drink your coffee out of pineapple shell. At 12, eat your lunch out of a picnic basket. At 3, ask a coworker to apply a generous layer of tanning oil on your back and hindquarters.

• Set off the sprinkler system with some fireworks.

• Introduce “Half-Price Margarita” PowerPoint presentations.

Next Week Alice Tears into the WTO

Sally Forth is not a political strip nor should it ever be. That's why we'll just label Faye's remark as "in-character dialogue" or "factual reporting."

My God, I'm Going to Live to Be a Thousand

Grazie! Obrigado! 당신을 감사하십시오!

Thanks again to all the people who read Medium Large (Tagline: "A Webcomic that Appears on the Internet") this week (with a very special ありがとう! to Mintzworks)!

And a great, big shout-out to all the following sites kind enough to link or mention the strip in the past seven days (sure, they regret it now but too late, it's already on the web)! They're written by good people--real salt-of-the earth types, no doubt--so please check them out:

Gonzo's Journalism
Carolyn Castiglia
Comics I Don't Understand
Passions and Loathings
The Chronicles of Mayhem
Negligent Monster
Kevin Donahue
The Ranting Place
A Descent into Dullness
Metachat
The Art of Darkness
Kermit the Blog
Greg Sanders
After the Fall Watchers Community
Fourth Edition
Anniceris
The Heart of the Maze
Lady Ganesh
Butterflyfish

Books I Meant to Read This Summer

The 432,678 Habits of Highly Successful Obsessive-Compulsives

The Gospel According to Thundercats

Oh, the Places You Can’t Go since the Accident

It’s Not Slander if He Actually Is a Cretin: 101 Legal Tricks for the Self-Taught Lawyer

Portuguese People You Might Know

Can We Communicate with the Dead? No.

You’ll Never Be Famous, You’ll Never Be Rich, You’ll Never Have That Threesome: A Man’s Guide to Facing Facts

Harry Potter Meets the Groovy Ghoulies

The History of the Allen Wrench from the Ikea Bookshelf to the Ikea TV Swivel Stand

Winning Her over through Tears

“I Could Pee on That” and other Poems by Cats

Financial Freedom through Bar Bets

Stop Touching Yourself: The Teenager’s Guide to Revealing Way Too Much Information to an Online Bookseller or Borders Sales Clerk

Wicca: Your Last, Desperate Attempt in Believing that Some Greater Force Is Somehow Responsible for How Your Life Has Turned Out

Cracking Wise while Identifying the Body

Surprise Birthday Party Videos

Last Friday night my girlfriend--with the help of with great friends Maryanne and Kambri--threw me a surprise birthday party at Ochi's Lounge, the underground comedy club at Comix. The first video from the party--featuring comic Sean Donnelly--is funny and very complimentary. The second--featuring comic Chris Sifflet--features a rather startling revelation. Enjoy and please note that I promise this is the last time I will make any mention of my birthday until next year.

Videos by Maryanne Ventrice.

Medium Large Presents: "How to Tell if Your Child Is Socially Awkward"

Medium Large Presents offers yet another short from its vast archive of hastily conceived, professionally discredited and illegally funded educational films.

Once shown at Parent-Teacher meetings across America in lieu of student evaluations before it was pulled due to a federal court order, How to Tell if Your Child Is Socially Awkward is the ideal instructional guide for any father or mother who ever looked at his or her kid and thought, "I've got a bad feeling about this one."

Things You Will Never Overhear at the 2008 Summer Olympics

"Breathe in deep that fresh Beijing air. Smell that? That's the smell of freedom, my boy."

“Wow, NBC hasn’t focused on a single American athlete yet.”

“If you ever needed proof that rhythmic gymnastics is a real sport, there it is.”

“Remember, this broadcast is our big chance to really asks our Chinese hosts the hard political and ethical questions."

“You want to see team unity? You should check out the Italians.”

“China and Taiwan have decided to share the gold medal.”

“This is the Olympics. We don’t need your corporate sponsorships.”

“I’m getting sick and tired of Canada’s uppity attitude.”

“We completely sold out of modern pentathlon T-shirts again.”

“The network only wants objective ‘video diaries’ on the athletes. Don’t play on the viewers’ emotions.”

“Now that I won the gold, I want to become a professional discus thrower.”

"And over there is the official press booth for Chinese bloggers."

“And yet another synchronized swimming team will be performing to Sister Christian.”

“For me, nothing embodies the true spirit of the Ancient Olympic games like beach volleyball.”

“It’s 9 a.m. and the Irish soccer team looks fresh-faced, bright-eyed and ready for action.”

“Jeez, it seems like simply everybody’s rooting for the United States these days.”

"And though he failed to garner a single medal for China, I'm sure his family remains unharmed."

“Man, Portugal’s winning everything!”

Thank You for Making Medium Large the 12,674,285th Most Popular Webcomic!

Seriously, a big "Thank you!" to everyone who read Medium Large this week and much gratitude to the following sites, blog and livejournals kind enough to link or feature it in the past seven days. You are all in my heart, which is why it is now dangerously enlarged and I'm on the verge of dropping dead from ventricular hypertrophy:

Five Tool Tool
Driko
Quand Meme Content
Screenhead
Riba Rambles
Sogmi
Bizarro Blog
Morgan Minstrel
Negligent Monster
Deeper in the Game
Sheyrena
Psych Ward Comics
Mike Barklage
Animation Republic
Rustbeard
Adam Lindsay
Antaeus Feldspar
Chemical Ike
Blog of Stench
Flack and Proud

Things to Accomplish by Age 30 Slightly Modified Now That I Just Turned 41

• Write the Great American Book Review on Amazon.com

• Earn a PhD. in air conditioning and refrigeration.

• Travel to a wildlife preserve operated by Six Flags.

• Have a threesome for Scrabble or DVD rental.

• See the pyramids for what they really are on the Discovery Channel.

• Learn another language is hard to master…or even converse in above a preschool level.

• Reorganize my priorities by deliciousness.

• Try new things by finally opening and playing my Atari "Basic Math" cartridge.

• See more of the U.S. through various business flight connections.

• Start exercising my options about which gym to join.

• Perform a one-man play, while drunk, at a friend’s Christmas party.

• Learn to play an instrument, like the tambourine or triangle.

• Fall in love with a television character.

• Backpack across Staten Island.

• Study art by way of museum gift shop postcards.

• Create my own small company letterhead.

• Write, produce and direct a movie about my cat.

• Go cliff diving, skydiving or mountain climbing out of necessity to escape an angry mob.

• Learn to appreciate opera references in old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

• Remove the clutter in my life through delinquent payments.

• Achieve greater spiritual enlightenment by starting less fights on the supermarket checkout line.

• Not only come to terms with your shortcomings but also embrace them as valid excuses.

Birthday Horoscope

From Rob Brezsney's Free Will Astrology.com:

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22): When British rock legend David Bowie came to America for his first tour in 1973, he said he felt like a fly in a glass of milk. He was half-drowning in a flood of interesting new sensations and perceptions, while at the same time he was greedily drinking it all in, stoked with fascinated joy. According to my astrological projections, Leo, you're in that fly-in-the-milk state yourself, or will soon be.

Short story: I'm going to wind up a sated, bloated corpse.

New Medium Large Presents Video!

Actually, a Medium Large Presents/Kevin Tor co-production. And like all good or even didactic PSAs there is a message, this one about what it really means to be a GUY guy.

Please note it's not safe for work.

Starring Matt Garrett, Chris Sifflet and Kevin Tor with help from Suzanne Higgins.

Home, We're Coming Home Again...

Thank you so much to all those who left my girlfriend an encouraging word or piece of advice on her blog. She arrived back safe and sound at our apartment about an hour ago and is currently sleeping with Natasha (seen above in her own nap mode). She was very happy to hear from all of you and wanted me to pass along her thanks...since she almost immediately passed out upon her return.

Thanks again!

You Say You're Gonna Leave, Gonna Take That Big White Bird, Gonna Fly Right Out of Here...Eventually

As of this moment my girlfriend has been trapped inside Los Angeles International Airport for close to ten hours with several more to go. Please show her that there is indeed a world outside the American Airlines Terminal by reading her liveblogging of her interminable ordeal and leaving an encouraging comment or twelve. Thanks!

Wal-Mart Knows What You Want. Wal-Mart Knows What You Need. Wal-Mart Knows Where You Live.

Just as they did during the 2006 Congressional elections, Wal-Mart is once more trying to prevent any of its employees from voting Democrat, as highlighted here by Huffington Post writer and The Nation contributor Allison Kilkenny.

Interesting enough, while doing a little research on today's Bizarro I came across a memorandum Wal-Mart sent out to its entire staff that not only tells its workers which party to support but also how best to toe the company line. What follows are some of that missive's more pertinent points:

"When someone attacks this company they are attacking you. After all, Wal-Mart is like one, big happy family and you are the Guatemalan housekeeper we occasionally take with us on vacation."

"Despite what the Democrats may say, we at Wal-Mart are all about racial diversity. Hence the 'Sanford and Son' DVDs in our entertainment section."

"Our enemies like to mention that we don't provide health insurance to 56% of our employees. Well, Costco doesn't give out gold dubloons to 100% of their employees. Point is, you can make anything sound bad with a noun, a percentage and the word 'don't.'"

"Whenever you have any doubts on how to vote just ask yourself, 'What would Jesus do?' (Answer: He would vote no on mandatory payroll expenditures for employee benefits)."

"If a friend or neighbor criticizes our company, respond by highlighting all the good Wal-Mart does. For example, should someone say, 'Wal-Mart drives down wages in urban areas,' just retort 'You know what else they drove down? The price of Bubblicious.'"

"The only reason we hide the cameras and monitoring devices in the breakroom is because of Feng Shui."

"Everyday low prices on 4C for kids' lemonade stands and Econo-size savings on Cheetos for church potluck dinners are just two of the many charitable contributions Wal-Mart makes to its communities."

"We at Wal-Mart can't tell you who to vote for on Election Day. Consequently, you can't tell us who to keep on our payroll come November 5th. It's called checks and balances and it's what makes our nation so great."

THANK YOU AGAIN!

Just wanted to say thank you so much for making the first week of Medium Large's comeback not only a success but an absolute blast to do (helping the site climb as high as #23 on Wordpress's Top 100 blogs before it descended back down to far more appropriate levels). And none of it would have been possible without the kind words, support and posts from the following great sites, blogs and livejournals (please check 'em out!):

Comics Curmudgeon
Bizarro Blog
Daily Cartoonist
BuzzFeed
Wondermark!
Tall Tale Features
Uncertain Principles
Joe and Monkey
Pop Culture Comics
The Disney Blog
Slash Film
Fleen
The Master Cheesemakers of Wisconsin
Ziggy Liberated
Movin' Meat
The Webcomic List
Pharmaceutical Diaries
Jockey Full of Bourbon
JournalFen
Crushy Yiff Destory
Pickle in the Piedmont
Kermit the Blog
Rubix_Cube_Cat
Darklore Circus
Buy n Large Livejournal
Tact Is For Those Not Clever Enough to Be Witty
The Thing of It Is...
A-Trill Livejournal
Liner Notes
Palantir Hatchery
Snappy Patter

You've all encouraged me to keep it going and finally put together the first collection of Medium Large strips (featuring numerous never-before posted strips and no doubt a long apology for such). With any luck it should be in your $1 remainder bin in time for the holidays (by which I mean Labor Day).

Thank you again, guys!

Ces

Possible Careers for Hilary By the Time She Graduates College

* Realty Agent for Abandoned Cars
* Underwater Treasure Seeker in Manhattan
* Hunter/Gatherer
* Thunderdome Combatant
* Prefab House Burglar
* Assigned Council for Accused Zombies
* Member of Insurgent "Wolverine!" troop
* Scientist Hung for Witchcraft
* Wandering Owner of Telepathic Dog
* Peso Forger
* Gun Fodder

My Week Drawing "Bizarro": Day Five

Arguments for Eminent Domain

* Seriously, which is more practical—a few homes’ towel closets or one big Linens & Things Superstore?

* Seizing property for “public use” overturns decades of misanthropic homeowners refusing entry to absolute strangers.

* Upward mobility for all as state governments can now reclassify “blighted area” to mean “currently without a sports complex.”

* Developers ability to lowball offers to mandatory sellers means goodbye to lengthy and oft-tedious bidding process.

* Allows town to update scruffy historic district with spiffy parking facility for Best Buy.