"Gravity's Rainbow": Now Minus V-2 Rockets and Pavlovian Sexual Conditioning

Read the full Sunday comic--brought to you in living color--here.

My New Favorite New York Times Quote

"Nick Jonas, the brooding auteur who gives the Jonas Brothers megabrand a dash of thoughtfulness..."

Read the article here.

Ted Forth Gets Canada Talking

Well, one person in Canada. A person who is apparently surprised that Sally Forth is still being printed. A person who refers to Ted Forth as "Milquetoast." A person who...wait, I was going somewhere with this...

Anyways, here's the article for your Monday reading enjoyment: The SALLY FORTH Dude Analyzes Television.

And speaking of old-time television, here is another edition of...

SITCOM THEME MUSIC: ONE DAY AT A TIME

Although it may now be hard to fathom, there once was a time when the very idea of a sitcom about a divorced individual was considered not only revolutionary but also potentially immoral. It's like finding out ABC almost never aired Welcome Back, Kotter because the network feared it would inspire gang violence. Or that The Ghost and Mrs. Muir was almost shelved because it might have been mistaken as an endorsement for necrophilia. Or that The Wonderful World of Disney was almost canned because the show's title sounded just a bit too fabulous for puritan tastes.

But back in the early 1970's divorce was still very much a hot-button topic, like nuclear war, feminism and Evel Knievel's so-called jump over Snake Canyon. In fact, the character of Mary Richards in Mary Tyler Moore was initially conceived as a recent divorcée but producers--fearing a backlash from religious coalitions and anyone who has ever mistaken a baptism for a bullhorn--opted for a "broken engagement" backstory instead (no doubt after weighing such typical late 60's/early 70's sitcom alternatives as "moved to Minneapolis after losing her magical powers," "moved to Minneapolis after her spaceship crashed in southeatern Minnesota" and "moved to Minneapolis after discussing it with her horse, car or enchanted flute"). The overriding idea was never to make television viewers too sad, too irate or too mobilized to notice the commercials...or perhaps confuse them into thinking Mary had just dumped Rob Petrie's ass.

By the mid-70's, however, the network honchos believed that viewers were ready to see sitcoms that didn't so much make them forget their worries as wallow in their miseries. This was the heyday of the "social commentary" sitcom, otherwise known as the "Wait, am I suppose to laugh after hearing Florida's husband just got killed?" formula. Gone were such time-tested plots as "hillbillies get rich," "hillbillies swim naked in water tower" and "hillbillies meet Eva Gabor." In their place were "comedies" about racism, suicide, drug abuse and, in the case of One Day at a Time, marriage gone down the crapper.

Starring Bonnie Franklin, One Day at a Time followed the few triumphs and many travails of recently divorced Ann Romano née Cooper and her two daughters Julia (Mackenzie Phillips) and Barbara (Valerie Bertanelli)--siblings who could only have been related by way of casting--as they laughed, loved and languished in Indianapolis. This was often accompished with the assistance of Dwayne "Florenz" Schneider (Pat Harrington Jr.), the superintendent whose fanatic attachment to the Romano clan was just one plot twist away from him donning a short red wig and disposing of Ann in the apartment building's furnace.

The overall tone of the show is best summed up by its bouncy theme song, penned by Jeff Barry of "Da Doo Ron Ron," "Be My Baby" and "Christmas (Please Come Home)" fame. Taking its cue from the show's subject matter, the lyrics are empowering but never too encouraging, commencing on a note of both resilience and resignation:

This is it. This is it.
This is life, the one you get
So go and have a ball.

Or, to put it another way:

Suck it up. Suck it up.
Wipe those tears, you're on your own
So maybe buy a cat.

The song then ups the ante in the second verse as it segues from a proclamation of "keep your chin up" to "never let your guard down":

This is it. This is it
Straight ahead and rest assured
You can’t be sure at all.

Or:

You might be walking down the street
Minding your own business
When suddenly BAM! Falling jet turbine.

What's most striking about the theme song in the first two verses is the notion of "This is it." On the one hand it strikes a rather final, almost futile chord, one seemingly at odds with a show about second chances. It's like hearing a disapproving parent say "You made your bed now lie in it" or "Fingers don't grow back, now do they?" But on the other hand "This is it" can serve as a wake-up call, a realization of life's transitory nature and the need both to make the most of what it has to offer and make a stand in the face of adveristy. It's another way of saying, "If life gives me lemons then I'll make hard lemonade" or "I've got two fists for fighting and one finger for the world."

However, not wanting to turn into the equivalent of "I Am Woman (So Hear Me Alternately Roar and Sob Copiuosly into My Macramé Pillow), the lyrics take a turn for the decidedly hopeful and heartening in the third verse:

So while you’re here enjoy the view
Keep on doing what you do
So hold on tight we'll muddle through
One day at a time, One day at a time.

These were invigorating--if not downright imperative--words for a generation still reeling from such calamaties as Watergate, Vietnam, stagflation, the OPEC oil crisis, Children of God and prog rock. Yes, we as a nation had been through some tough times. And we as a nation could only expect to face further woes (read: 1980's). But as long as we had the strength of Bonnie Franklin's character (a trait that came in good stead after her divorce, after her boyfriend was killed in a car crash, after she had to raise her boyfriend's son alone, after her eldest daughter abandoned her own family and--in a very special holiday episode--after she was knifed by St. Nick), the spunkiness of Valerie Berinelli's character and the countless kilos of pure Bolivian snow that made Mackenzie Phillips such a character, we'd be able to get through any plot device. And so in celebration of that very realization, the song concludes on a note of optimism and a nod to The Hustle:

So up on your feet. Up on your feet
Somewhere there’s music playing.
Don’t you worry none
We’ll just take it like it comes.
One day at a time, One day at a time (Repeat)

So remember, whenever you find yourself feeling particularly despondent, whenever you feel as if life's demands are proving far too overwhelming, whenever you feel as if the only way out of your problems is through inhaling carbon monoxide, injesting sleeping pills or inquring about that job in marketing, have no fear. Just remember that "this is it," "have a ball" and "buy a cat."

Word from "Mega Shark" Producer Himself

Subject: MEGA THANKS!

Just wanted to drop you a line to say thanks for the surprising splash into pop culture. It didn't get me laid, but your strip was still a great, amazing, and fantastic surprise.

-David Latt
producer, MEGA SHARK VS. GIANT OCTOPUS

Revelations from Dick Cheney's Upcoming Simon & Schuster Memoir

Fearing security leaks, Cheney was inspired by a Sigur Ros album to begin communicating with his staff in a language of his own design. Vice-President then grew increasingly incensed when no one followed through on his command to “Byorfumnar skallipt.”

Scott McClellen learned through reporters’ questions that Cheney had assembled his own alternate Cabinet, with each member possessing a special skill like “super speed” or “ability to shape air.”

Overhearing that laughter is infectious, Cheney secretly appropriated $14 billion from the Defense budget for the research and development of a “killer humor contagion.”

Cheney once opened official ceremony by singing his own version of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” featuring many lines cribbed from Mickey Spillane novels.

Vice President took to screaming “Cheney smash!” to quell dissent or prevent tahini from being served in Capitol cafeteria..

Clearly enjoying the freedom that can only from being a politician not seeking re-election, Cheney taught his office rhesus monkey how to load and fire a Luger.

Cheney paid staff in “Cheney-o’s,” redeemable only at participating Dick Cheney Retail Stores.

Cheney relied on his own instincts and perception of what is right for the nation to cold-cock a nun

My Three Moneymaking Ideas

In the late 1890’s, the head of the United States Patent Office advocated closing his department for good, stating with full confidence that everything that could be invented had been. Which is why today America remains at the forefront of whalebone whittling technology; Nielsen Ratings show reading the Sears Roebuck catalog is the leading form of weekly entertainment (followed closely by watching either candles burn or relatives succumb to consumption); and scientists continue to make great strides in the hopes of one day curing the leading cause of death in our nation, accidental wheat scythe beheadings.

Truth is, ingenuity is rarely appreciated in its time, especially in business. In fact, I'm practically brimming over with great industry ideas, even a few that do not involve elaborate revenge fantasies or sure-fire schemes to win handsomely at roulette. Yet for some inexplicable reason the following long-held brilliant concepts have yet to see the light of day or get me past the receptionist desk at most corporate headquarters, small business offices or even my dad’s place of work:

• A house plant that actually thrives under routine neglect and the occasional arc of cat piss
• A sitcom about mismatched roommates, one a refined neat freak unaccustomed to squalor, the other an escaped Colobus monkey with a loaded handgun and steadily improving aim
• A microwaveable single-serving Hot Pocket dinner that does not end with the lonely, malnourished consumer crying over both a woeful financial status that would greatly concern friends and a pitiful social calendar that would greatly bemuse Capuchin nuns

So why are we now not living in a world replete with lush albeit less-than-favorably aromatic ferns, meals that actually promote a positive self-image and program after program featuring homicidal primates? I don't know, people. I just don't know.

It's a Personal Blog so Write Something Personal

Although I have been keeping this blog for almost two years it has become my understand that while I write a lot of nonsense on this site I tend rarely to share much in the way of personal information. This has been a calculated move to say the least, since I'm a private person by nature and have had some blowback from the few times I did reveal my life online (the result of circumstances, not of anyone's doing or intent).

But I am trying to change that, if only that I could greatly benefit from self-reflection at times, this being one of them. So without further ado here is some bullet point revelations about yours truly. Thanks for reading this far.

* I cannot swim.

* I learned to drive well after I grew up, meaning that when it comes to prowess behind the wheel I make Mr. Magoo look like A.J. Foyt.

* Although I received confirmation from the Catholic Church, I have never actually given confession. I also never attended any church classes between Communion and Confirmation, instead lying to sneak in the last year because all my friends were having their Bar Mitzvahs and I felt I was missing in on the fun.

* I can engender sympathy remarkably easily and fear I use that as a crutch.

* According to a few medical tests, I do not possess a sense of smell.

* As a child I was so overwhelmingly shy that a girl who I had shared several classes with from elementary through high school--and knew by name--approached me in the 12th grade and kindly asked if I had just transferred to her school distict.

* I did not have a girlfriend until sophomore year of college. She opted to keep her virginity.

* I write because although I am shy, I do crave great attention...just not always in person.

* As an English major I chose to challenge myself academically by taking Physics--not Oceonography--as my one science requirement, only to wind up with a D-, a grade that I could only achieve thanks to constant instruction from my roommate Drew.

* I'm developing on a kid's show that may have just landed a celebrity to voice a character.

* After a night of grain alcohol and rented outdoor hot tubs on my college campus I awoke to find myself in a piano room of the Music Building, naked (and alone), forcing me to run back to my dorm at 7:30 Sunday morning only to crash into a very nice girl from my floor, her Bible study group and her visiting mom.

• I lost count of just how many times I revised this list for both personal and professional reasons.