Revelations from Dick Cheney's Upcoming Simon & Schuster Memoir

Fearing security leaks, Cheney was inspired by a Sigur Ros album to begin communicating with his staff in a language of his own design. Vice-President then grew increasingly incensed when no one followed through on his command to “Byorfumnar skallipt.”

Scott McClellen learned through reporters’ questions that Cheney had assembled his own alternate Cabinet, with each member possessing a special skill like “super speed” or “ability to shape air.”

Overhearing that laughter is infectious, Cheney secretly appropriated $14 billion from the Defense budget for the research and development of a “killer humor contagion.”

Cheney once opened official ceremony by singing his own version of “The Star-Spangled Banner,” featuring many lines cribbed from Mickey Spillane novels.

Vice President took to screaming “Cheney smash!” to quell dissent or prevent tahini from being served in Capitol cafeteria..

Clearly enjoying the freedom that can only from being a politician not seeking re-election, Cheney taught his office rhesus monkey how to load and fire a Luger.

Cheney paid staff in “Cheney-o’s,” redeemable only at participating Dick Cheney Retail Stores.

Cheney relied on his own instincts and perception of what is right for the nation to cold-cock a nun