Jane Austen's Summer Newsletter, 4 June 1798

O, Dearest Friends, Confidents, Kindred Spirits and Compeers:

What dreadful hot weather has been upon us, forever keeping us in a state of inelegance and gracious indignation. With the house staff still tending to whatever their kind do at our principal house--and the Lady Heathcote's gloriously diverting daily tea dances regrettably deferred due to a most unfavourable outbreak of rickets, consumption and Spaniards--we have had to make our own merriment at the country estate with all manners of rebuses, whist and impeccably delivered character slights (alas, I would be most remiss if I did not take this moment to extend my condolences on the passing of the Bertramsworths' youngest child, Abigalia, due to that most fearful of childhood horrors, spine rot).

Of course, we have had our opportunities to dispel the summer malaise. The pleasingly handsome Mr. Tom LeFroy invited us to his father's "Pheasant and Vole Brawl," but his unrefined disposition made me wish he would profit from further social edification or at the very least a sound thrashing, since such has often proved a strong tonic for the four humours. And the less said about Mr. and Mrs. Fowles' "Mojito Mixer" the better (also, let me express how grievous it was for these ears to hear of the unscheduled passing of the Bertramsworths' other youngest child, Timothford, due to that most common yet egregious of prepubescent afflictions, lupine attack).

So to pass the time we have conscripted our very selves to the duty of throwing a fete of such exuberance and conviviality forthwith hereto this coming week's end. There shall be pointed yet diverting disquisitions of the predicament of unmarried decorous English women in these times. There shall be inumerable opportunities to demonstrate the purity of our secular spirituality. There shall penetrating explorations of the uncertainty that forever rules our moral situation. And there shall be the revelation of a great love, presented with detached irony, hardy realism and pleasing results for who object to both wild abandon and great caculation (and please permit me to use this closing moments to utter my most deepest and refined regret on the passing of the Bertramsworths' third youngest child, Hertfunshire--"Hertie"--due to that most displeasing of juvenescence ailments, being ensnared in a carriage axle for the duration of a three-day journey).

“The Three of Us Would Make a Great Sandwich” and Other Drunken Comments Best Left Unsaid at After-Work Gatherings

• “Sometimes, late at night when I’m alone, I like to pretend that I’m you so I can finally feel pretty.”

• “I don’t want to go into particulars right now but suffice it to say that I’ll be needing an airtight alibi on the night of the 14th. You cool?”

• “Anybody mind if I unbuckle?”

• “I don’t know what it is about orphans that makes me laugh.”

• “I have 12 cats, one named for each apostle.”

• “If I knew we were going to go to a pub after work I wouldn’t have had so much to drink at lunch.”

• “You were in my dream. And you. And so were you. And all three of you were on fire.”

• “I resent you using the word ‘harassment’ to describe what is so clearly devotion.”

• “It’s not that I don’t believe in God. It’s just that ever since you were made my boss I can’t believe He gives a rat’s ass.”

• “My AA sponsor is not going to be happy with this.”

• “Don’t you think it’s about time that the women in this office started kissing each other?”

• “My dog said the craziest thing last night.”

• “I don’t know why my mother picked out this particular outfit for me this morning.”

• “I have so much pent-up love and absolutely nowhere to unleash it.”

• “Every morning I wake up and tell myself, ‘No. no. Don’t bring the rifle to work today.’”

• “Mind if I follow you home?”

• “Thank God this bar has peanuts or this would be the fourth night in a row I went without dinner.”

• “Nothing like a night out with coworkers to confirm my every opinion of you guys.”

How to Effectively Criticize a Coworker without Hurling Obscenities, Throwing Punches or Firing Wildly in Their General Direction

Few can deny that criticism is a crucial factor in helping one achieve their best. Yet critics are a lot like mimes. They’re never appreciated in their own time and no one ever bothers to show up at their funeral. Eventually their tombstones are sanded down and reused for someone else, usually a cat.

But sometimes it’s necessary to point out another person’s failings, never more so than in the office…or when the family gathers for Thanksgiving dinner. It’s often unpleasant and a little nerve-wracking so to make sure you effectively get your point across it helps to be calm, candid and well into your third vodka tonic, keeping the following tips in mind:

• Be Specific: Telling someone they cost the company millions isn’t criticism. It’s a complaint. But telling them how many jobs must now be cut, how many people hold that person responsible and how you haven’t witnessed such a thirst for vengeance outside of a Mario Puzo novel will almost certainly get your point across.

• Be Impersonal: Discuss behavior, not personality. Don’t tell someone they “lack the brains God gave a potato.” Simply tell them that in a similar situation, a potato—or for that matter, any tuber—would almost certainly have thought twice before proceeding.

• Be Kind: The purpose of criticism is to improve performance, not destroy confidence. One way to soften your critique is to start off with a compliment, such as: “Nice car you’ve got there. Pity something should happen to it if you were to fuck up again.”

• Be Private: Never criticize someone in front of others. Instead, “happen” upon them late one night in the office restroom when no one else is around. Keep your voice steady, your demeanor professional and your punches to areas that don’t readily show bruises.

Most people don’t like to point out a coworker’s foibles. And only a masochist would enjoy hearing someone tell them that they’re the reason mankind will one day be ruled by apes. But when it comes to business you’re all in it together so why should you be the only one to suffer? Besides, the more you pee on everybody’s parade the less likely they’re going to march up to your office. You get peace of mind. They get put in their place. Everybody’s a winner.

What if the U.S. Wins the World Cup

* American bumper stickers feature two flaming soccer balls and the words "Never forget."

* 16 movies immediately greenlit to capitalize on soccer fever, featuring such taglines as "It Was U.S. Versus Them!" "God Bless U.S." and "U.S. Are the Champions."

* Americans overturn cars, set fire to own nation in celebration.

* Fox News calls soccer moms "noble women's work."

* Class-5 hurricane formed by excessive flag waving.

* New fan Ann Coulter vehemently defends her position that soccer proves there was no Holocaust, slavery or Canada.

* America feels free to improve game with baseball bats, first downs and Texas Hold 'em.

* Bostonians get yet another team to completely rule their lives.

How to Exit Your Old Office Gracefully before You Return on Your Knees or in a Kevlar Vest

Your final day at work. A day to lose formality and forgo inhibitions. A day to freely share your thoughts and frequently offer blunt advice. A day to drop your guard, dump the pretense and shit over every single person who has ever irked you, provoked you or simply sneezed in a manner you always found “too cute.”

A good day indeed.

Now, most career experts would caution you to use your final hours to maintain crucial business contacts, conclude any unfinished business and bid a fond adieu to coworkers and supervisors alike. They would certainly point out that corporate circles are nothing more than high school cliques with the means to pursue litigation and that news of your unseemly behavior will quickly spread, leading to a poor standing in your chosen profession. And they would surely mention that it is far better to leave your former manager in good spirits, rather than leave them in a race for their life due to an unleashed rottweiler in the office hallway.

But these experts don’t know what it’s like to get so aggravated at work that you piss away an entire day reflecting on what you could accomplish with just a Fungo bat and 15 minutes with the new parent in the next cubicle who now uses the word “poopy” as frequently as the word “the.” They don’t know both the temptation and exhilaration of acting on your basest impulses, especially when the worst possible outcome is getting a police escort from a building you were planning on leaving anyway but hadn’t yet scored the ride to do so. So to that end I offer you the following “projects” to help you not only kill your final day but also put an end to years of work-related frustrations.

• Take a bite out of everyone’s lunch in the pantry refrigerator. Follow it up by writing concise reviews of the meal on each bag, ranging from “Yummy!” to “Had to spit it back.”

• Look at pictures of your coworkers’ kids with a far more critical eye, citing not so much insufficient photography skills but rather their poor choice in film subjects.

• Use your office chair as a means of transportation, as a shopping cart between trips to the stationery closet and as a battering ram.

• Determine which looks cuter dressed in a bunny outfit, the copier machine or the vending machine.

• Lighten the mood and level the playing field with spot-on imitations of every single senior executive with a physical disability.

• Say “Watch out!” instead of “Excuse me,” “Jump back!” instead of “You don’t say” and “Kiss my fat ass!” instead of “I thought it would be nice to tear up the office carpeting and expose the hardwood flooring underneath.”

• Try to start a conga line with every person who passes by you in the hallway.

• Make “Lite Brite” designs with the floor buttons on each elevator.

• Whenever a coworker asks why you’re leaving the company quickly turn around and exclaim, “It’s you, okay! It’s always been you! Ever since the first moment I laid eyes on you during orientation it’s been you! AND IT KILLS ME TO SAY IT!!!”

And just remember, as you head for the exit with all your professional possessions crammed into a small cardboard box, make sure to stop in front of every office or cubicle, look your now ex-coworker straight in the eye in complete silence for up to a full minute and then finally utter either “You live” or “You die.”

You Tell the Story Behind the Lost Bunny

Scene: Bench, West Village, NYC
Photo taken today on my way to work.

Arguments for Eminent Domain

Seriously, which is more practical—a few homes’ towel closets or one big Linens & Things Superstore?

Seizing property for “public use” overturns decades of misanthropic homeowners refusing entry to absolute strangers.

Upward mobility for all as state governments can now reclassify “blighted area” to mean “currently without a sports complex.”

Dissenting opinion that with eminent domain a “spectre of condemnation hangs over all property” is easily countered by the fact homeowners have had more than enough time to plant a garden that would attract tourists and so negate the need for seizure.

Developers ability to lowball offers to mandatory sellers means goodbye to lengthy and oft-tedious bidding process.

Allows town to update scruffy historic district with spiffy parking facility for Best Buy.