How to Exit Your Old Office Gracefully before You Return on Your Knees or in a Kevlar Vest

Your final day at work. A day to lose formality and forgo inhibitions. A day to freely share your thoughts and frequently offer blunt advice. A day to drop your guard, dump the pretense and shit over every single person who has ever irked you, provoked you or simply sneezed in a manner you always found “too cute.”

A good day indeed.

Now, most career experts would caution you to use your final hours to maintain crucial business contacts, conclude any unfinished business and bid a fond adieu to coworkers and supervisors alike. They would certainly point out that corporate circles are nothing more than high school cliques with the means to pursue litigation and that news of your unseemly behavior will quickly spread, leading to a poor standing in your chosen profession. And they would surely mention that it is far better to leave your former manager in good spirits, rather than leave them in a race for their life due to an unleashed rottweiler in the office hallway.

But these experts don’t know what it’s like to get so aggravated at work that you piss away an entire day reflecting on what you could accomplish with just a Fungo bat and 15 minutes with the new parent in the next cubicle who now uses the word “poopy” as frequently as the word “the.” They don’t know both the temptation and exhilaration of acting on your basest impulses, especially when the worst possible outcome is getting a police escort from a building you were planning on leaving anyway but hadn’t yet scored the ride to do so. So to that end I offer you the following “projects” to help you not only kill your final day but also put an end to years of work-related frustrations.

• Take a bite out of everyone’s lunch in the pantry refrigerator. Follow it up by writing concise reviews of the meal on each bag, ranging from “Yummy!” to “Had to spit it back.”

• Look at pictures of your coworkers’ kids with a far more critical eye, citing not so much insufficient photography skills but rather their poor choice in film subjects.

• Use your office chair as a means of transportation, as a shopping cart between trips to the stationery closet and as a battering ram.

• Determine which looks cuter dressed in a bunny outfit, the copier machine or the vending machine.

• Lighten the mood and level the playing field with spot-on imitations of every single senior executive with a physical disability.

• Say “Watch out!” instead of “Excuse me,” “Jump back!” instead of “You don’t say” and “Kiss my fat ass!” instead of “I thought it would be nice to tear up the office carpeting and expose the hardwood flooring underneath.”

• Try to start a conga line with every person who passes by you in the hallway.

• Make “Lite Brite” designs with the floor buttons on each elevator.

• Whenever a coworker asks why you’re leaving the company quickly turn around and exclaim, “It’s you, okay! It’s always been you! Ever since the first moment I laid eyes on you during orientation it’s been you! AND IT KILLS ME TO SAY IT!!!”

And just remember, as you head for the exit with all your professional possessions crammed into a small cardboard box, make sure to stop in front of every office or cubicle, look your now ex-coworker straight in the eye in complete silence for up to a full minute and then finally utter either “You live” or “You die.”