Things to Consider as You Search for the Ultimate Halloween Costume

You’re Already Too Late: Too late, that is, to score any of the highly ornate, exceedingly well-tailored costumes that wow associates, win prizes and wreck bank accounts. Such outfits have long been snapped up by frighteningly eager goths, professional party guests such as the Hilton sisters and the type of individuals who start greedily rubbing their hands together in anticipation of Thanksgiving turkey…sometime around April. In short, you’ve been outmaneuvered by idiots, a sobering thought to say the least.

Do Not Dress As Popular Newsmakers: Balloon Boy, Bernie Madoff, Michael Jackson, an impregnated Jaycee Dugard. Unless you want to look like part of a well-funded and poorly supervised cloning experiment, avoid them all. What you may perceive as “clever and cutting-edge” will seem less so when you’re taking the M5 bus down with 25 people dressed exactly like you (a phenomenon as known as the "You bought the pimp costume, too?"). Believe me, right now several hundred people in your town alone are at this very moment attaching a small mylar dirigible and basket to their body, practicing throwing up in front of Meredith Viera and thinking, "Man, is everyone going to be surprised!"

Think “Homemade”: Okay, so the idea of hot-gluing two pipe cleaners to your head, wrapping yourself up in several rolls of aluminum foil and going as “The Insectoid Who Shouldn’t Be Microwaved” doesn’t exactly fill your heart with the Halloween spirit. But with a minimum of both props and shame, you should have no trouble cobbling together a costume quickly and on the cheap. Why not take those yellowed bed sheets you keep in the attic for some reason and go as “The Jaundiced Ghost”? Why not switch clothes with your spouse and go as “The Couple with a Secret”? Or why not just grow a goatee and go as “My Evil Twin”? What you lack in funds and finesse your fellow guests will more than make up for with cruel, cutting retorts.

Unimpeachable Proof that the Conceit of a Benevolent and Unerring God Is an Absolute Falsehood

This was our Vietnam.

Belated Online Birthday Shout-Out to My Little Brother

Though I did remember to call my little brother on his actual birthday, I wanted to make it official online (since the web is our new reality).

Happy 35th Birthday, Marcello!

On Marriage

For as long as I can remember I assumed that the purpose of a relationship--a steady one of a considerable period, that is--was to set you on the path towards marriage and children. I love kids (in that perfectly-legal fashion ) and believed that a solid coupling was based on the exchange of marriage vows.

But lately I've had a change of heart.

I do believe that one day I may want kids, a secure environment to raise them in and maybe, if I'm lucky, someone by by side. But those are no longer the driving forces in my life. That is in no way meant to denigrate anyone who has chosen otherwise, has a happy marriage and is blessed with wonderful children. You are the truly fortunate and I say that with no sarcasm or empty sincerity at all.

But I now find the ideals I kept close to my heart for so long served more like safety nets or life floaties. As long as I was married or engaged then I felt I was 90% on the way to happiness an security. But that is never the case. I'm not saying marriage won't bring one such. For some marriage may very well be the great sundae under which you place that cherry.

But people need to know themselves before they can confidently be a partner for another. I can't say I don't want to be loved. We all do, whether in or out of wedlock in whatever combination works for us. But what I want now is to be in a relationship where each person has their own thing, they're own ambition and accomplishments, and are not so intertwined. The people would certainly support and cheer the other on but it never falls into the unfortunate assigned roles of a caretaker and the cared for (barring a horrible disease or accident that would require such, since I would also have no intention of ending a relationship out of infirmity. This is about partnership, not selfishness).

I'm almost certainly rambling here. These thoughts have been with me for weeks but this is my first attempt to try and craft them as some sort of coupling canon. I want the person I love to be able to fulfill their best goals. I want the same for me. And, when the time seems right out of professional, financial but most importantly emotional stability, then the idea of children may very well become a reality.

I don't expect everyone to agree with this. I welcome all different opinions. I want to hear from people, not talk at them or just stay locked in my headspace with ideas I'm too afraid to challenge. One of the driving forces for me now is the courage to, quite frankly, fuck up. Only then can I finally figure out where my horizon line is and my path to it, alone or with another. So please, I implore you to share your thoughts.

And hey, maybe next time I address this topic it'll be in the form of a far more lucid narrative. :)

Seriously, CNN, What Is Wrong with You?

The latest headline-inspired tee from CNN Shirt:


No doubt to be followed by such fun shirts as:

"Sad Mommy and Daddy Orphan Their Kids"
"Malnutrition, Disease, Bullets Kill Refugees"
"Missing Baby Found...Under Floorboards"
"Grandma Sells Dentures to Pay for Food She Can No Longer Chew"
"Puppy Lost Too Many Limbs to Live"

Body Imaging

For a long time I had body issues. My concern about my hair was literally just the tip of the problem.

I didn't like to be nude or even show a glimpse of my naked form. This wasn't only in gym or a body cavity search (I'm making assumptions about the last part) but also in front of a girlfriend. This, obviously, presented more than its share of obstacles and frustrations from time to time.

It's not that I'm fat or too thin or sport some sort of scar or skin tissue irregularity. Surprisingly for an Italian I don't even have hair on my back. But I would think of myself without clothes and conclude, "No, this...this is a mistake. This is not what the people want to see." It's taken some hard but gratifying work for me to realize that I wasn't even looking at my body when I drew these conclusions. My body was my awkward focus point but not the origin. It was just prolonged, dispersed doubt in myself, covering and contaminating every part of me, leading me to want to hide in a myriad of ways. Like the hair concern, it was the result of a mental Mobius strip that I had put into motion a long, long time ago and had eventually given up ever finding its end.

It's hard to break such a circular mind fuck, no more so then when you've come to accept it as reality, not perception. It's hard, but it can be done. I know that because I'm doing that now, every day. It's a series of exercises, a retraining and re-strengthening of the subconscious muscles, but the results are showing. The shame is disappearing and the doubt can now be reasoned with, at first mechanically but soon naturally. When I look at myself I no longer see a walking flaw. Sure, maybe I could tone up those abs a bit, but such thinking is the result of wanting to improve, not denigrate.

I know such talk can be weird, especially coming from the guy who writes that happy, squeaky-clean strip Sally Forth. But as I've mentioned before, my being able to say it to someone means I now have the conviction of those thoughts, not simply a quiet wish they will come true.

I promise, I'll start talking about arcane 70's pop culture again real soon. And thank you for listening.

Now This Is Eight Kinds of Awesome

Nothing like the Internet to remind you how many creative--and just plain nice--people populate this little world of ours.

I was very touched recently to find that my webcomic Medium Large had actually inspired some topnotch fan art or shout-outs.

The first drawing is a fantastic interpretation by Bassringer of main character "Medium Large Guy" doing what he does best--sitting on a couch watching TV and drinking what one hopes is a microbrew:

The second is a great "Medium Large Guy" cameo in Jeremy Benedict's terrific webcomic Muddlecreek. He appears in the jury box in the final panel.

Thank you, guys! It means the world to me!