Thursday, October 29, 2009

Things to Consider as You Search for the Ultimate Halloween Costume

You’re Already Too Late: Too late, that is, to score any of the highly ornate, exceedingly well-tailored costumes that wow associates, win prizes and wreck bank accounts. Such outfits have long been snapped up by frighteningly eager goths, professional party guests such as the Hilton sisters and the type of individuals who start greedily rubbing their hands together in anticipation of Thanksgiving turkey…sometime around April. In short, you’ve been outmaneuvered by idiots, a sobering thought to say the least.

Do Not Dress As Popular Newsmakers: Balloon Boy, Bernie Madoff, Michael Jackson, an impregnated Jaycee Dugard. Unless you want to look like part of a well-funded and poorly supervised cloning experiment, avoid them all. What you may perceive as “clever and cutting-edge” will seem less so when you’re taking the M5 bus down with 25 people dressed exactly like you (a phenomenon as known as the "You bought the pimp costume, too?"). Believe me, right now several hundred people in your town alone are at this very moment attaching a small mylar dirigible and basket to their body, practicing throwing up in front of Meredith Viera and thinking, "Man, is everyone going to be surprised!"

Think “Homemade”: Okay, so the idea of hot-gluing two pipe cleaners to your head, wrapping yourself up in several rolls of aluminum foil and going as “The Insectoid Who Shouldn’t Be Microwaved” doesn’t exactly fill your heart with the Halloween spirit. But with a minimum of both props and shame, you should have no trouble cobbling together a costume quickly and on the cheap. Why not take those yellowed bed sheets you keep in the attic for some reason and go as “The Jaundiced Ghost”? Why not switch clothes with your spouse and go as “The Couple with a Secret”? Or why not just grow a goatee and go as “My Evil Twin”? What you lack in funds and finesse your fellow guests will more than make up for with cruel, cutting retorts.


Jym said...

=v= In re: the Ultimate Halloween Costume in today's Sally Forth, while I trust that Ted has memorized the lyrics to "The Mediocre Presidents," I'm guessing that he doesn't carry many dollar coins around:

Wm. Henry Harrison

No sir, when you're Ted, it's all about the Hamiltons.

Unknown said...

I noticed that Ted is wearing a coat as part of his Halloween costume. Ii think that's a pretty big fail if he's going as Harrison =P

Rocambole said...

Loved the reference to Clark Bars in the 11/1 Sally Forth. I grew up in Pittsburgh where there was a Clark Bar factory, complete with huge "Clark Bar" shaped billboard/neon sign that really perked up the riverbank.

Anyway, as kids, we hated Clark Bars and would avoid houses that gave them out in favor of pure chocolate (or Snickers), so it just underscored how odd this kid was that he ASKED for a Clark Bar.

Being an adult, I love that crackly peanut inside, but have to make do with Butterfingers.

Thanks for the memories.