Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Set A Course for Adventure, Your Mind on a New Romance

Well, soon it will be Valentine's Day—or as anyone not currently involved in a relationship likes to call it, "The Second Saturday this February." Whether you're hoping to embrace or simply endure the upcoming holiday, here is some helpful advice on how to make the most or least of this big or insignificant day:

How to Celebrate Valentine's Day
• Should you be dining out, select a restaurant where the ambience cannot succinctly be captured by the phrase "Now with Six Large-Screen TVs!" "All-Night Rolling Rock Specials!" or "Free Game Tokens with Every Burger."
• A gift does not have to be expensive to be expressive of your true feelings. That said, any present that prominently features the statement "Cool Ranch" may say little more than that you passed a corner grocer on your way to your date.
• While you're certainly not expected to pen a romantic sonnet for the ages, do remember that a Valentine's Day card is not the proper medium to showcase your ribald sense of humor, your unwillingness to let go of past grievances or your ability to find just the right rhyme for "cameltoe."

How to Tolerate Valentine's Day
• While you need not avoid restaurants this holiday, it may prevent you from remarking to any celebrants within earshot just how fat people get when they're in a long-term relationship.
• Try to amuse yourself by always preceding the phrase "happy couple" with the word "supposedly."
• Should a coworker ask if you have a date for the big day, quickly yet politely change the topic of conversation to address your fellow employee's remarkably poor taste in fashion, their woeful skin care regimen or just about any failing on their part that immediately catches your eye and ire.


Jennifer said...

lmao @ "cool ranch!"

Last year for VD, my huzzband got me the Party Bag of M&Ms. I'm not sure what's more pathetic - the fact that he got me the Party Bag of M&Ms, or that it made me really, really happy.

Sara Benincasa said...

Um...dude? Does this mean...um, never mind. I just...uh...I'll make alternate plans for Saturday.

Antaeus Feldspar said...

JPB --

Maybe it's just not pathetic. A gift that says "I know who you are and I like it" is worth five that say "I can blow a lot of money".