Wednesday, February 11, 2009

"But seriously, have you got any whores?!?"

The following are actual search engine terms people used to find my strip Medium Large in the last two weeks:

whoreswhoreswhoreswhores shortpacked: Clearly either someone ordered a package of four prostitutes and received a mere three or the characters in the webcomic Shortpacked are currently vacationing in Thailand.

toys in a fight 20 on each team: I don't know how, I don't know when but what I do know is that sooner or later Ted is going to utter this exact phrase in Sally Forth, followed by Sally calmly packing her bags and leaving home for good, refusing to look over her shoulder at a husband who is blissfully unaware that both his marriage and life are in irreparable shambles as he quietly deliberates whether or not Stratego pieces count as "toys."

how big can a dick can be: I would have simply dismissed this as yet another person in search of porn who found their way to my emphatically G-rated comic strip had it not been for its very syntax. "How big can a dick get" is mere Google vulgarity. But "how big can a dick can be" is clearly a lyric from either a Raffi or Wiggles song and I for one eagerly await either act's next appearance at Radio City Music Hall to hear it performed live.

gay dentist: If some parents can demand that their child marry a Jewish doctor no doubt other parents can be just as specific.

lego agents saw arm by himself: First, how cool is the very concept of "lego agents"?!? Just think--little yellow minifigs working under cloak of darkness and behind the scenes of every government through every epoch, pulling the strings of more conspiracies and cabals than the Freemasons and Knights of Templar combined! Second, are we to take the phrase "saw arm" to mean "noticed arm" or "cleaved arm clean off shoulder"? Third, what exactly is the search term's subject, the controlling camarilla of minifgs or the as-yet-unnamed singular "himself"? And fourth--thereby breaking the sacred rule of three--seriously, how fucking cool would it be for a bunch of lethal Lego men hacking off limbs left and right in the name of some grand, geopolitical scheme that even God himself is not privy to?!?

vampire pig: With the exception of "medium large," "meduim lareg" and "Franchesco Marachilianioano," this is the most popular search term leading to the strip, appearing at least once a day in my Wordpress stats. Why this is the case--or why someone or some people are desperately seeking posts about the sow equivalent of Nosferatu--I can't say, but I fear we may be looking at something far, far worse than the avian flu.

homemade mortal combat costume: Just as according to My Cousin Vinny no self-respecting southerner would use store-bought grits, no self-respecting live-action role player would buy a Johnny Cage outfit when they can dress up in blue crepe paper and an upside-down wok and go as Raiden.

right to be learn comics strips: Is this something that's being threatened? Are we in danger of losing the freedom to, if not read the funnies, then at least be educated by them? I guess what I'm trying to say is exactly how will this impact Dick Tracy's Crimestoppers' Textbook? And while we're on the topic, I remember one such Sunday "Crimestopper" tip many moons ago in which we learned that the way to tell a real woman apart from a man pretending to be woman was that the latter had an Adam's Apple. Of course, this tip left unanswered the obvious follow-up question, "Since when is it a crime for a man to go in drag?"

braced rhombus: Can anyone say "band name"? Well, can anyone say, "Francesco's new band name"? Of course, first I'll have to officially quit my old band.

sleeping for job comic strips: Trading sexual favors for a chance to toil in the cartooning industry may be the lowest one person can get without the addition of animals or Dustin Diamond.

the process of inventing the peanut comic: I assume this has more to due with the work of Charles Schulz and not George Washington Carver.

help i've made the wrong career choice: How this one led to a cartoonist's website is all too painfully self-evident.


Andy Jukes said...

You had me at "help i've made the wrong career choice!" ... because it was the last one! Ba-da-bump!

Seriously though, very funny stuff.

JaffeBlog said...

"Toys in a fight 20 on each team"? I have GOT to keep Asher from using Google.

Unknown said...

I'm pretty sure there was a Shortpacked! strip where beloved comic book auteur/transparent misogynist Frank Miller is asked to create a comic with a positive female protagonist, and he just stares wide-eyed at the blank paper for a while then starts shouting "WHORES WHORES WHORES" uncontrollably. Why that would lead anyone to Medium Large, though, is puzzling.

Jennifer said...

What, no 'my dogs crap Ninja hauler?'

D.B. Echo said...

Heh. Regarding today's Sally Forth: I did, in fact, spend ten months last year sharing an office with a guy named Kevin!

Sara Benincasa said...

As usual, jfruh is amazing.

Russell Pirkle said...

Since when are prostitutes not positive female protagonists?

Rae said...

When you're a writer who thinks they're the only option for progressive female protagonists. That "leave her alive at the end" wasthe other part of the criteria should be telling.

The strip in question...

Rae said...

Durr, wait, no, I misread.
Although it really should have been.

Timbo said...

My website showed up on the third Google page for Vampire Pig. Thank you very much.