Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Cherished Moments from Republican National Convention

• Delegates celebrate sanctity of their marriages by not proposing to any of the 12,000 prostitutes they ass-ram.

• Displays of “party inclusion” include cutaway shots to convention kitchen staff and tanned Bruce Willis.

• President officially introduced to delegates by corporate spokescharacters Pillsbury Doughboy and the Nike “Swoosh.”

• Each day preceded by prayer and removing still-beating heart from small Latino boy.

• Republicans redefine phrases “go die of poverty and pneumonia on your own” and “the will of the stockholders outweighs the will of the people” as “individualism” and “entrepreneurship.”

• During Fox News broadcast of Palin's speech viewers hear Sean Hannity whacking off in press booth.

• When African-American Republican Alan Keyes appears, conventioneers shout drink orders.

• Joe Lieberman converts to Assembly of God.

• McCain proudly displays “B.C.” comic strip in which character celebrates Jesus…10,000 years before birth of Christ. President laments, “If only cavemen actually existed.”

• Iraq is referred to as “a victory,” the economy is referred to as “on the rise” and Abu Ghraib is referred to as “the center for the Detroit Pistons.”

• Constant delegate chanting causes dead to rise, babies to burn and oceans to turn to acid.

• Palin calls for passage of “We Knows What We Likes” Bill. All art funding to go to Hummel figurines, “Do I Look Like A Grandmother?” T-shirts and candles in the shape of fruit.

• BBC review of convention broadcast reads, “Like most American comedies, funny but not ‘ha ha’ funny.”

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