Well, We Still Have the Original Cartoon Series to Entertain Us

Sure Signs You Accidentally Eliminated the Keebler Elves

• When emptying vacuum bag little hats fall out.
• Lawnmower suddenly starts spraying Cheez-It crackers everywhere.
• Dog returns from walk with "uncommonly good" breath.
• Sound of mousetrap slamming followed by faint scent of fudge.
• Receive "thank you" card and cash reward from Nabisco.
• Last thing heard before backing car out of driveway is "Ernie! Watch out!"
• Every time sprinklers turn on you detect high-pitch gurgling.
• Pulled weed comes complete with tiny sign, operating bakery and attached plumbing.
• Long processional of Hot Wheels hearses in hallway.
• Start getting pelted with pebbles thrown by gnomes, sprites and Rice Krispies triplets.

And from the Medium Large Archives:

Election Primer 101

With all the recent talk about superdelegates, another little-understood facet of our democratic republic's election system has not received its due coverage or explanation. So thanks to a rather reputable college education that, alas, focused almost entirely on 20th century British literature and R.E.M.'s I.R.S. label years, allow me to provide you with the following short yet significant summary in U.S. politics:

The Electoral College and You...Minus You
The Electoral College was devised by the Framers of the Constitution as America's last stand against the democracy it had fought long and hard to secure. Of course, by "democracy" our forefathers meant "mob rule" and by "mob" they, curiously enough, meant Sicilians. In an attempt to prevent the rabble from running roughshod over the government and putting a Hummel figurine or Disney character in charge, the Framers decided that each state would choose electors equal to that state's number of Senate and House seats combined. The electors would then meet in their states and burn a witch. If the witch emitted a plume of white smoke, then there would be a new Pope. The Pope would then realize that most Americans view Catholicism as an outgrowth of voodoo and so would quickly assume the shape of a swan to allude grievous harm. While as a swan, he would then impregnate an unsuspecting or drunk Greek woman, who in turn would give birth to the next President of the United States. Unless, of course, no witch, Pope, swan or whatever achieved a majority of the vote, in which case the tallest non-twin individual in America would become Emperor.

Next Time: How Can We Be Both a Democracy and a Republic at the same time? (Hint: Mirrors)

"What Is Comedy?": My First Educational Film

Long forgotten and widely discredited, this 1951 classroom film from Medium Large's educational archives ("Bake Your Way to Marriage!" "How to Cripple a Bully" "Polio: God's Judgment Against Gays" ) exposes the chilling, horrifying, alarming truth about comedy in a fun, fact-filled format every student can enjoy.

Note: If you're having trouble reading the text, please go here and select "Watch in high quality" under the "Views" total.

Thank you!

Overheard at Cinco de Mayo Celebrations across the U.S.

"This...this is my tenth margarita...twelfth is you count the other two."

"Just think, right now, all across Mexico, families are celebrating with the same Nacho Supreme platters, jalepeno poppers and bottomless mojitos as us. Small world, huh?"

"I'm not Mexican yet I get shitfaced on Cinco de Mayo. I'm not Irish yet I get shitfaced on St. Patrick's Day. I am, however, Catholic, so it's okay that I get shitfaced on Christmas. And Easter. And Lent."

"Did you know that Cinco de Mayo isn't a celebration of Mexico's independence? And I thought they were their own country."

"Imagine if the government actually constructed that anti-immigrant fence. Who would be serving us now? Us? Please..."

"Okay, one more round of shots and then it's back to work. After all, this tracheotomy isn't going to perform itself."

"You know, Tony Montana in Scarface was Mexican...or Cuban...or Puerto Rican...Definitely Latin...definitely..."

"What do you mean Cipolte's doesn't sell Coronas?!...Goddamn wannabes..."

"I'm just saying if we don't do something now, as a group, then it might be too late. We have to stop them because no one else will! No one else can. Not now...We have to take control!...We need the biggest guys...You in?...You?...You?...And we need weapons. Whatever you got. Forks, knives, hot water, anything...Okay, are we ready?...Are we ready?...Okay then. Time to put an end to that mariachi band...Let's roll."

"You know what would really say 'Cinco de Mayo'? Taco singing Puttin' on the Ritz."

"The Golden Girls," Season 21, Episode 6

Scene: Living Room. Noon

Dorothy: I'm worried about Ma. It's been two weeks and she still hasn't gotten out of bed.

Rose: And Blanche has been slumped over that coffee table since last Saturday.

Dorothy: Rose, why aren't you wearing any clothes?

Rose: Why aren't you a Western omelet?

Dorothy: What?

Rose: This reminds me of the time in St. Olaf when the March of Dimes Walk resulted in a race of Swedish nomads.

Dorothy hits Rose with a rolled-up newspaper. Rose drops to the ground. She does not get up.

Dorothy: This calls for cheesecake.

Dorothy walks out into traffic.

Ted Can See You. Wave Back.

Ted always knew you were watching, reading, listening...all the more so since he stopped taking his Lamictal.