Monday, May 5, 2008

Overheard at Cinco de Mayo Celebrations across the U.S.

"This...this is my tenth margarita...twelfth is you count the other two."

"Just think, right now, all across Mexico, families are celebrating with the same Nacho Supreme platters, jalepeno poppers and bottomless mojitos as us. Small world, huh?"

"I'm not Mexican yet I get shitfaced on Cinco de Mayo. I'm not Irish yet I get shitfaced on St. Patrick's Day. I am, however, Catholic, so it's okay that I get shitfaced on Christmas. And Easter. And Lent."

"Did you know that Cinco de Mayo isn't a celebration of Mexico's independence? And I thought they were their own country."

"Imagine if the government actually constructed that anti-immigrant fence. Who would be serving us now? Us? Please..."

"Okay, one more round of shots and then it's back to work. After all, this tracheotomy isn't going to perform itself."

"You know, Tony Montana in Scarface was Mexican...or Cuban...or Puerto Rican...Definitely Latin...definitely..."

"What do you mean Cipolte's doesn't sell Coronas?!...Goddamn wannabes..."

"I'm just saying if we don't do something now, as a group, then it might be too late. We have to stop them because no one else will! No one else can. Not now...We have to take control!...We need the biggest guys...You in?...You?...You?...And we need weapons. Whatever you got. Forks, knives, hot water, anything...Okay, are we ready?...Are we ready?...Okay then. Time to put an end to that mariachi band...Let's roll."

"You know what would really say 'Cinco de Mayo'? Taco singing Puttin' on the Ritz."


Unknown said...

In a bottomless mojito, where does the mint go?

yellojkt said...

My line:

"The rest of the world celebrates May Day on the first. Some people are always late."

locoluis said...

The problem there is that they're immune to bullets, light/heat-based weapons, and spicy food. It's easier to just shut them up than to eliminate them.

Gas them. But not just any gas, as they will shrug off most toxic gas, as they're already present in the air from Mexico City. And laughing gas will only worsen the problem. Look for a gas that will mute them. I don't know if just Helium will do; do some research about it.

Also, I must take this chance to paint your face with the color #ccff00;, in protest against your economic policies. Bye bye. :P