January Is "National Mentor Month"

With the month less than two days away from retirement, I thought it was time for...

How to Find a Mentor Who Will Guide You Professionally, Advise You Every Step of Your Career and Quietly Hang His or Her Head in Shame When You Blurt Out During a Business Meeting, “Them Donuts Free or What?”

The year was 1200 BC in Ancient Greece. Playwright Eurischylus’ latest theatrical magnum opus, And Then at the Last Minute the Gods Came in and Made Everything All Right Much to the Delight of the Chorus, had wowed the critics (including a young Frank Rich) but closed in two weeks after both failing to attract the coveted male teen audience (which, given the life span of your average Greek citizen back then, was around age eight) and having to compete with Disney’s newest original musical production, a remake of Medea done with ponies. Meanwhile, the great god Zeus still managed to elude paternity suit after paternity suit by picking up women in the form of a swan, a Holstein bull and, according to one plaintiff, a rather aggressive ring-tailed lemur named “Toby.” And, most important of all, the Trojan Wars had begun, amid much media speculation that the rescue of Helen of Troy was merely a political front for the true cause of combat, olive oil.

Prior to setting sail for Troy (which eventually resulted in a harrowing 20-year sea adventure later characterized as “just a hair better than a Carnival cruise”), Odysseus faced a difficult decision. Either he could leave his son Telemachus in the capable hands of his aged, trusted advisor Mentor or Odysseus could leave the child in the care of own no-account Uncle Slackass, who spent his days talking about putting together a prog-rock band and his nights inhaling the fumes at the oracle of the Delphi with his fellow students from air refrigeration technical school, having “visions.” Fortunately, Odysseus chose Mentor, who in turn gave Telemachus knowledge both applied and theoretical so that he may succeed in life. Otherwise, Odysseus might have returned home from the Trojan Wars lo those many years later to find his only son shot-gunning ouzo and idly making notes for a film in which all of the major roles would be played by Star Wars action figures.

In short, choosing a mentor to help guide your career is not enough. You must select the right mentor, all of whom share the same well-defined characteristics:

• The right mentor is like you, only better: My own mentor articulates my concerns and career plans so clearly and at such a higher level of understanding than I do that I'm now afraid to open my mouth ever again, for fear of causing chimps to snicker with derision. He also dresses with far greater flair than I do, associates with a far more enviable circle of associates than I know and, unlike me, would never be caught at a corporate dinner requesting a doggie bag and a “to go” cup of wine. In other words, the more your mentor makes you look at yourself with utter contempt, the better.

• The right mentor is a person of substance: The ideal mentor provides more than just advice. He or she offers the moral and philosophical wisdom necessary for one to make the right decisions. Think of Master Kan in the 1970’s TV series Kung Fu. Remember how Kan would teach young Kwai Chang Caine (an obviously American David Carradine) that “weakness prevails over strength and gentleness conquers” only to then have his protégé press his bare arms against a boiling cauldron of oil for reasons Kan would only explain with a bemused shrug? Remember how Kan would have his eager charge try and try again to snatch a leaf from his 103-year-old arthritic hand, chuckling heartily every time he failed? Remember how Kan would repeatedly “pants” Caine in front of all the assembled Shaolin priests? True, some would remark that Master Kan had clearly gone insane with old age and was now finding delight in tormenting the only supposedly Chinese man to make Marlon Brando’s character in The Teahouse of the August Moon look pure Asian by comparison. But those of us truly in the know realized Kan was doing what any good mentor would do—ensuring his protégé didn’t wind up being a pussy. After all, it’s a tough world out there and Kan wanted to make certain that his young charge had the wherewithal —the cashews, if you will—to handle any obstacle that may come his way.

• The right mentor knows his or her limits: A good mentor will instinctively know their boundaries of involvement in your life. He won’t call you in the middle of the night crying over ex-lovers. He won’t ask you to cover their rent “just this once.” And He won’t interrupt your important questions with “Does this look like a pimple or a canker sore to you?”

Finding the right mentor is crucial, not only for the obvious benefits to your career but also for the collected knowledge you may one day share with others. For in the near future a young up-and-comer may turn to you for guidance and hopefully you will be able to impart something more insightful than “Don’t touch the skim milk in the pantry fridge, understand? That’s mine.”

Today's Strip, Yesterday's Inspiration

The strip in question:

The reference in playback:

There are many, many things one can say about the seminal two-part appearance of The Doobie Brothers on 1978's version of "Must See TV," What's Happening!

First, while most music performers make only a small cameo when guesting on a sitcom (usually a brief chat with the main character backstage or at a pretend charity concert), The Doobie Brothers practically turn their appearance into an episode of Don Kirshner's Rock Concert (thus requiring the What's Happening! scribes pen no more than ten pages of dialogue). Second, the episode makes one wonder how on earth did the word "doobie" ever get past the censors (although any censorship of the band's very name would have made the guest turn impossible, as it did with the Circle Jerks' unaired appearance on Barnaby Jones). Third, the episode also makes one wonder why a band that would soon go on to score a number one album ("Minute by Minute") and a Grammy-winning number one song (the Michael McDonald-droning "What a Fool Believes") is performing in a high school auditorium (though hazy memory cites a possible pretend charity event or the chance one or more of the band members attended the fictional school). And fourth, one (well, this one) can't help but notice that the above clip fails to show the episode's thrilling backstory, wherein Rerun scores front-row tickets by promising some shady characters to bootleg the concert, only to get so swept up in the music that he drops his hidden personal cassette recorder--right in front of the Doobie Brothers!

And so, without any further ado, the thrilling denouement to "Doobie or Not Doobie" (the first part premiering 30 years ago yesterday):

Quotes from Godzilla’s Own DVD Commentaries

“You probably can’t tell, but that’s not the real Tokyo I’m trashing.”

“With the first Godzilla film we really had something important to say. I’m not sure if the same holds true for Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack.”

“Man, did we butcher A Doll’s House with this flick…”

“My real name is ‘Gojira,’ which is a combination of the Japanese words for ‘gorilla’ and ‘whale.’ ‘Gorilla Whale’…Why didn’t they just call me ‘Fucking Ugly Fat Ass’ instead?”

“I think the worst part of my becoming a ‘good guy’ character was working with all those kids…I tell you, if the children are our future I don’t want to wake up tomorrow.”

“Wait, I don’t recall seeing Raymond Burr on set. What gives?”

“The original title of Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla was Godzilla Meets Mechagodzilla. It was suppose to be my big entry into romantic comedy. We even had a great ‘first date’ montage set in a carnival. Cotton candy on the chin and everything. But then the comment cards came back from the screening…”

“It’s amazing how often William Faulkner refused screenwriting credit.”

“Who…who am I fighting in this scene?…Is…is that the San Diego Chicken?!…Christ, I’m glad I was drunk for most of the seventies…”

“In the Japanese versions of the films you could clearly make out everything I said. Right here, for example, I’m making an impassioned plea against chlorofluorocarbons…”

“Kong’s people had been itching for us to do a buddy film for years. If I had known what a slave to Meisner that son of a bitch was I never would have done the movie.”

“Wrenching sense of dislocation, oblique narrative structure, casual sex and drug use, Leonard Cohen soundtrack, Bud Cort—nothing captured the auteur spirit of 1970’s filmmaking like Godzilla Flees Conscription…”

“What can I say about Gamera that hasn’t already been said in a court of law…”

“I actually have a small cameo in the 1998 American version of Godzilla. That’s me in the background having trouble swiping my Metrocard through…”

“Back in my day we didn’t have any of this ‘J-horror’ nonsense. No ghosts, no shamanism, no freaky, stringy-haired girls muttering God know what…You wanted to scare people? All you needed was me, a nemesis and scenes from my last six films.”

“Godzilla’s Big Day Out was the first and only time I played a retarded character, mostly in hopes of scoring an Oscar nod. I still crushed buildings, but this time it was purely accidental.”

“The ‘atomic testing’ origin story was the studio’s idea. They figured no one would be scared if they learned of my idyllic childhood in New Rochelle.”

“After five years of filming and only 12 minutes of usable footage we finally had to can Kubrick…”

“Destroy All Monsters was sort of like our Ocean’s 11. Simply everyone was in it! Me, Mothra, Rodan, Kumanga, Peter Lawford…”

“I don’t remember who played the scientist in this one…no offense, but the actors all pretty much looked the same to me.”

Ted Forth Eagerly Awaits Cupcake Versions of Tempest and Qix

Photos/story courtesy of Boing Boing by way of Paul Frick.

What the Birds in the Park Think of Us

Sally Forth: A.K.A Beatrix Kiddo

I just want to take this moment to draw attention to Sally's Kill Bill, Volume 1 attire, courtesy of the gurus of daily syndication coloring. Had I known this would occur I would have outfitted Sally with a Hanzō katana and upped the strip's death toll above its usual "zero."

Odder still is how the outfit recalled a certain dumbass remark I made on rec.arts.comic.strips almost four years ago. Spooky? Of course not. We're talking about a comic strip here. But that very remark serves as a special callback to me for what else it touts near the end.

Will be writing more soon!

My Previous New Years Predictions

While visiting my parents over the holidays I unearthed a treasure trove of New Year's predictions I had made over the many, many years. At first I thought it would be fun to look back and see just how close my prognostications were. I thought wrong. But damn it if I'm going to let all those man-hours go to waste so please enjoy the following "So-Close Predictions":


In 1985 Vanessa Williams will be forced to relinquish her crown, thereby ending her long and troubled reign as Queen of England.

In 1988 the California Raisins will sweep the nation, then Canada and finally Mexico, assuming complete control of North America by August.

In 1993 President Bill Clinton will sign the Brady Bill, ensuring continuous economic support for Florence Henderson, Eve Plumb and Barry Williams.

In 1994 a leading sports figure will be charged with multiple homicide, leading many to wonder how things could have gone so horribly wrong for the Philadelphia Phanatic.

In 1981 music television will come to cable, signifying the electrifying return of Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme.

In 1989, the Berlin Wall will be torn down and replaced with an invisible force field and heavily armed cyborg guards.

In 1997 the movie "Titanic" will shatter all records, becoming the most successful direct-to-video film to date.

In 1991 the Cold War will finally come to an end as we all hail our new world leaders, the Dutch.