Memoir of an Umbrella Holder to the Stars

• Open, close. Open, close. Nine hours of such instruction. Guess an English degree really is for shit.

• Told Mom that my script had been optioned by Paramax Studios. She’s gotta know no such studio exists.

• Turns out Michael Pare doesn’t even own an umbrella. He just wanted to talk to someone. Learned a ton about the filming of Streets of Fire.

• Thanks to great skill, determination and experience, I managed to keep a Chow Chow from getting any age spots.

• Today would be a good day to throw myself in front of a truck.

• Mom called to ask what’s the title of my “script.” Caught off guard I accidentally blurted out Toy Story 3. Mom said she saw it last week and really liked it. Even her denial can’t extend that far.

• Held umbrella open through client’s sunroof for duration of six-hour drive. Doctor says nerve damage may be permanent.

• Got dressed down by David Cassidy. I burst into tears, but not for any reason he thought.

• Initially took job for possible film connections. Now fear I took job because dipping penis in hot wax wouldn’t be masochistic enough.

• Mom called asking how much “Paramax Studios” was paying for my supposed script. I said we were still discussing “points.” She asked “What are points?” I answered “They’re good.” Clearly Mom knows I’m lying.

• Bumped into old college girlfriend who now works in the industry. Asked me what I do. It’s been five days and I think she’s still laughing.

• While waiting for client I glanced at her college history paper. Apparently “The Mansons” helped frame the Constitution of the United States.

• Sold manuscript Memoir of an Umbrella Holder to the Stars to Knopf for half a mil. Sold movie rights to Paramount for two mil. Somehow all that made me a feel of a hell of a lot worse.