Monday, May 3, 2010

Conversations with My Brother, A Corporate Mascot

The following are actual phone conversations with my brother, Marcello, from his years as the official Lycos mascot for all Boston corporate events.

Conversation #1
Marcello: Ces!

Me: Cello! How are you?

Marcello: Not bad. Was the Lycos Dog at the opening of the Star Wars exhbit for the Museum of Science.

Me: Oh...Didn't expect to hear that. What did you do?

Marcello: Usual. Waved at school kids, Danced a bit. You know, usual advanced dog tricks.

Me: Sounds like fun.

Marcello: Yeah, you'd think so. My entire body is covered in black and blue marks.

Me: From what? Wearing the heavy costume?

Marcello: From getting repeatedly punched.

Me: Punched?!

Marcello: Punched, Ces! The kids punched me! I'm here to tell you that children are bastards. Mean, viscious, wholly evil bastards!

Me: What happened?!

Marcello: Remember that Simpsons epsiode when Homer pretends to Krusty at parties and big events? And he tells Lenny what hard tiring work it is, "But when I see how those little kids' eyes light up...I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something"?

Me: Oh god.

Marcello: They wouldn't stop, Ces! The little kids wanted hugs, so I gave them hugs. They were actually really adorable. But when the junior high school kids would ask me for a hug...

Me: Oh no.

Marcello: I would stretch out my arms and then BAM! Straight in the gut!

Me: Every time?

Marcello: Every fucking time! They were relentless!

Me: Then why did you keep stretching out your arms?

Marcello: Because I'm a chocolate lab, Ces! I'm supposed to be friendly! Plus, I think I'm monitored.

Me: Couldn't you do anything?

Marcello: Like what? Wave at kids from behind a pillar? Start swinging wildly at anyone over the age of 12? I'm not even allowed to talk! I'm defenseless, Ces! Defenseless!

Me: But what about the people who were supposedly with you. You know, monitoring. Couldn't they do anything?

Marcello: They were too busy taking pictures! Every time I got clocked I saw a flash go off. They said it was the best sponsored event they ever had.

Me: I'm so sorry, Cello.

Marcello: And you know what? It was never the kids from the city. It was never the poor kids from the tough parts of town. It was always these over-privileged white bastards who kept punching me! Every time I got punched it was some grinning white boy. I'm serious, Ces. I think I hate white people now.

Me: How long did this go on?

Marcello: About an hour. Maybe more. I lost count when I started to pass out.

Me: From the punching?

Marcello: No, heat stroke.

Conversation #2
Marcello: Hey, Ces!

Me: Hey there! What's up?

Marcello: Just got barred for life from Gillete Stadium (note: Home of New England Patriots)

Me: I'm sorry, what?

Marcello: Their was some...unpleasantness.

Me: What happened?

Marcello: Got into a fight with the CEO of

Me: What?!

Marcello: We were at the Lycos Box at Gillete with my CEO when the Monster guy kept telling me I have a stupid laugh.

Me: Well, it is...distinctive.

Marcello: I know! It's great, right?! So, I told him to go fuck himself. But then my boss got upset because I'm not allowed to talk while in costume.

Me: Wait, you were in the dog suit?!

Marcello: I was on the clock, Ces! Anyway, he got real pissed and yelled, "Do you know who I am?!" So I said, "Yeah, you're a fucking loser!" The we went at it.

Me: Cello...

Marcello: Do you know how hard it is to beat someone with fabric hands?

Me: Oh god...

Marcello: Eventually I just started choking him and we rolled down the aisle. Then the little pussy started crying, security came and I got escorted out of the stadium in handcuffs, still in costume.

Me: Jesus...

Marcello: But on the plus side, I remembered to keep waving at the kids as they drove me off.


D.B. Echo said...

For the appearances, might I suggest a pillow and steel plate? If Houdini had done that, he'd still be dead today anyway.

As for fighting with the CEO of - big kudos there. After being laid off there's nothing quite so self-esteem raising as signing up with some job-finding site like and immediately being deluged with job scams.

Naked Bunny with a Whip said...

@D.B. Echo: How long ago was this? Has Monster sold your email address to spammers yet? Apparently, unemployed people are good targets for those offering cheap pharmaceuticals and teen sex videos.

Actually, I suppose they might be....

Robert Gidley said...

Loved the second story!

The first one hit (ha ha ) a little too close to home. Those suits are murderously hot and teens are savage punchers.

Mintzworks said...

My costume at the huge Halloween haunt is a security guard, and I'm actually a manager who throws miscreants out.

Cannot TELL you how many times we have to toss kids and their groups out for punching one of our completely costumed characters. They'll only punch fully costumed characters, never anyone that appears human in any way. Our poor 7 foot tall rat/wolf on stilts...

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