Thursday, December 10, 2009

Light Snowfall Signals End of Civilization in Southeast

FORMER STATE OF GEORGIA—A light snowfall gently dusted the Southeast, delighting children but reversing 10,000 years of human civilization in the process.

Armed only with a single snowplow, a can of Morton Salt and a "can-do" spirit, cities from the Carolinas to Alabama were quickly overwhelmed by the oddly crystallized shapes falling mercilessly from the heavens. Minutes after the initial flakes appeared, 23,000 cars, trucks and trains collided on I-20. By 7:00 AM, unattended automobiles had begun to simply explode on driveways and in parking lots throughout Tennessee. In Atlanta hundreds of planes were first delayed, then grounded and then eventually consumed for nourishment. Within two hours oxen and other beasts of burden were demanding hefty prices—or pelts—as they were now the sole means of transportation for commuters and scavengers alike.

As of late morning chaos had become the order of the land, with thousands converging upon Wal-Marts looking for any weapons--or "firesticks"--to battle the storm. Currency soon became worthless as financial transactions were replaced with bartering, Chick-Fil-A biscuits and, finally, indiscriminate stabbing. Local governing bodies were quickly displaced by a rather confusing system of tribal law, Mother Nature's whimsy and a dice pop-o-matic from an old game of "Double Trouble." By noon, the Southeast had indeed become a very different place.

"Owa Goona! Owa Goona!" exclaimed a villager and former tax attorney in a tongue that has become both a prime means of communication and a source of bemusement to the few reporters who have yet to be sacrificed to the various winter deities, shamans and the occasional can of corn. This journalist has managed to fend of the rabid masses thanks to quick thinking and the flicking of a Zippo lighter, leading the people to believe that I not only control the fire gods but also store them in a rather stylish cage. But soon it will light no more and I, as so many before me, will meet my terrible demise in the Glorious Killing Ring, formerly a Ruby Tuesdays.

On a side note, College football games continued as scheduled, with the Gators thumping the Terrapins 56-23.


Unknown said...

A friend of mine from Rochester went to grad school at Duke and it snowed the first year he was there and the whole area freaked out and shut down, obviously, and everyone told him "OH MY GOD THIS NEVER HAPPENS HERE." Then it happened every subsequent winter, with everyone insisting that it was a freak event, year after year. LOOK PEOPLE SUCK IT UP AND BUDGET FOR SNOW REMOVAL, OK?

Your Obedient Serpent said...

I live in California, rather than the South, but the principle still holds:

We'll budget for snow removal when you folks start budgeting for earthquakes.

Charlene said...

The weird thing is, whenever there's even the slightest snowfall everyone goes crazy stocking up on milk and other perishables, which all go bad because they can never use them in time. And then they complain that the cost of food is too high - duh!

The entire thing is ridiculous. The southeast gets snow every year: learn to deal with it and stop going insane every time a flake falls.

And does anyone else think it utterly hilarious that they cancel school in the city because of a few snowflakes?

Mike Firesmith said...

I live in The South and I can honestly say that at least 50% of what you wrote wasn't entirely true the first day.

Roto13 said...

What really blows my mind is that apparently Seattle goes into a huge meltdown whenever it snows. Seattle. One of the northernmost cities in the US.

Though I live in Vancouver and people here have a similar reaction. Any city in Canada that doesn't know what to do with snow should be razed.