Tuesday, September 1, 2009

From the "Unused Onion News Network Submissions" File

Dearest Reader: Every so often I'll be posting failed submissions I've made to the Onion News Network in my capacity as an official contributor. The fact that these are indeed "failed" may attest to their very humor value. That said, they're already written and might as well appear somewhere other than just on my hard drive.

Dad Teaches Son Value of Dollar by Screaming That He Can’t Get Another Goddamn Toy
ONN Financial Advisor reports how a father turned a typical trip to the mall into an important discussion on financial responsibility by constantly screaming “NO GODDAMN IT! NO, NO, NO!!!” and “Do you (expletive) know how (expletive) hard I have to work to make this money you (expletive) (expletive)?!?” in front of a growing crowd after his child kept demanding a Nintendo DS game. Analyst suggests other parents use such shopping trips as opportunities to loudly and persistently impart money-saving tips to their children, and not cave in to the kid’s demand like the dad in the story eventually did.


Unknown said...

Ces, I've always wondered if it's considered kosher for Onion contributors to take credit for the bits that they write. Or does the Onion have a committment to total editorial anonymity matched only by the Economist?

Unknown said...

(I should add that by "take credit" I mean "link to an Onion story on their own sites/blogs/zines/single-spaced typed diatribes mailed to the editors of major newspapers" not "get a byline on the Onion itself.")

Francesco Marciuliano said...

Interesting question. I think you could link to a specific video that you did indeed help create. That said. I also believe the right thing to do would be to specify if you came up with the concept, wrote the script for said video or both. If you had the idea but someone else wrote the script (which happens quiet frequently, especially for contributors who pen ideas but never the actual video) then I think it is only right that you mention such.

Whenever I read an Economist article I always think of 30 writers huddled over a single keyboard, typing in unison. Sort of like the Borg, but with the occasional focus on Pacific Rim financial stability.