Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Inauguration: The Live Blogging

9:56 AM: Laura Bush asks if the gift Michelle just gave her includes the gift receipt.

9:59 AM: Bushes and Obamas enjoy a cup of Genral Foods International Coffee French Vanilla, remembering that trip to Paris and their waiter--Jean-Luc!

10:01 AM: Jenny suddenly appears in the reflecting pool, yelling, "Forrest! Forrest!"

10:03 AM: Wolf Blitzer reminds me yet again that I should have been there in the mall rather than watching the moment on CNN. Thanks, Wolf.

10:08 AM: Bidens and Cheneys enjoy a tense, silent moment over a day-old, half-eaten Entemann's Danish Ring and Sanka.

10:12 AM: The meaning of "Very Important Person" is forever redefined when Lauren Conrad is seated in the VIP section.

10:15 AM: Dustin Hoffman walks from seat to seat in the VIP section, trying to get everyone--anyone--to see Last Chance Harvey.

10:18 AM: Justice Scalia busily flipping through law book, trying to find last-minute support for overturning election results.

10:22 AM: Former Justice Sandra Day O'Connor still turning heads and making elderly hearts swoon as she vamps up the V.I.P stairs.

10:28 AM: General seating policy proves a fiasco yet again as every U.S. Representative rushes into the VIP stand, scrambling for the best view.

10:30 AM: U.S. Marine Corps Band forgoes John Philip Sousa for Terrence Trent D'Arby. Crowd confusingly celebrates to the strains of "Wishing Well."

10:33 AM: Muhammad Ali mistakes fellow VIP guest Chuck Schumer for Joe Frazier. Champ knocks him out in two rounds.

10:39 AM: Cheney refuses Bidens' request to leave their coffee to go to Inauguration. Joe realizes for first time there are no doors or windows visible in the room.

10:42 AM: Barbara Bush arrives at the Capitol, commenting how proud she is on her son's third term as President.

10:43 AM:Laura Bush leaves White House for the last time, carrying what appears to be several office laptops and boxes of pens.

10:46 AM: Dick Cheney appears in a wheelchair. Joe Biden appears in a full-body cast. Both refuse to discuss what occurred during their brief meeting.

10:48 AM: Obama and Bush depart White House from North Portico, arguing furiously which radio station to listen to on way to Capitol.

10:50 AM: Presidential motorcade passes by reviewing stands, Capitol Hill, Potomac River and Delaware as Obama begins to get increasingly nervous.

10:53 AM: Jumbotrons on Mall go dead as changeover to HDTV signal occurs one month early.

10:56 AM: CNN's John King uses the "Magic Board" to literally reposition crowds in DC to allow for more press room.

10:58 AM: VIP guest Steven Spielberg tells CNN that he would replace all the Secret Service guns with walkie-talkies.

11:00 AM: First Lady and First Lady-Elect arrive at Capitol Hill, having inexplicably switched outfits and name tags.

11:01 AM: Supreme Court members are introduced to wild applause, tossed panties and room keys and screams to have the judges' babies.

11:03 AM: Various dignitaries arrive at Hill to crowd's instant recognition of various corporate COOs, beltway insiders and National Review editors.

11:06 AM: Dan Quayle arrives at Hill, wondering aloud if Obama is three-fifths of a President. He is immediately escorted out.

11:08 AM: Al Gore arrives at Hill and is immediately given Humanitarian Guest of Inauguration Day Award, as well as three other medals.

11:11 AM: Voice of God requests everyone be seated.

11:14 AM: George Herbert Walker Bush and Wife arrive at Hill at a noticeably sluggish pace only to be passed by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter. Race ensues. Hearts give out. President George Bush and Laura Bush walk over the four bodies.

11:16 AM: Clintons arrive at Hill. Hillary clearly muttering obscenities through a clenched smile.

11:18 AM: Former President Gerald Ford arrives at Hill to great astonishment.

11:20 AM: Former Presidents and First Ladies take their position at the inauguration platform, where they are greeted with swag bags including the latest historical revisions of their accomplishments in office.

11:23 AM: President Bush's daughters stumble in with countless beads around their necks.

11:24 AM: Malia and Sasha Obama enter the Hill to announce their new reality series on Nickelodeon.

11:26 AM: First Lady of Soul Aretha Franklin appears, greeting First Lady of Lite FM Laura Bush.

11:28 AM: Lynn Cheney is introduced to Mary's lone applause.

11:32 AM: Michele Obama and Jill Biden are introduced. Jill shouts to VIP guest Oprah that she had a choice to be either Second or First Lady.

11:35 AM: Vice President Dick Cheney is introduced. Sky immediately turns an inky blackness as the innocent bleed out.

11:36 AM: U.S. Marine Corps band introduces President Bush with "The Imperial March."

11:37 AM: Michelle now regrets asking Sasha to get the Lincoln Bible as her youngest daughter hands her a Bratz coloring book instead.

11:39 AM: Vice-President-Elect Joe Biden is introduced to great fanfare and traditional coupon book to Denny's.

11:41 AM: Crowd of two million waiting with bated breath for appearance of Staff Director of Inaugural Affairs.

11:43 AM: This is it! This is history! Nancy Pelosi has finally arrived!

11:44 AM: President-Elect Barack H. Obama makes a surprise appearance at the Inauguration!

11:45 AM: Voice of God tells everyone to take their seats again. Anyone left standing without a seat must leave.

11:46 AM: And now a great moment truly begins...

11:47 AM: President Bush wondering what Feinstein means by "need for change."

11:48 AM: Pastor Rick Warren commences opening prayer and pledge drive for his church's new cable station.

11:50 AM: Sasha is already bored.

11:51 AM: People around the world watching this most important remarkable event, thereby kissing goodbye to previous ratings champ, the last episode of M.A.S.H.

11:52 AM: ARETHA FRANKLIN! Legendary singer follows "My Country 'Tis of Thee" with a rousing rendition of "Think!"

11:57 AM: Mrs. Robinson stares at her son-in-law, thinking, "My daughter still could have done better."

11:58 AM: Biden is sworn in by Justice John Paul Stevens with what appears to be the printed version of Wikipedia.

11:59 AM: Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo Ma and others perform a John Williams original from Hayden.

12:00 PM: Barack Obama is now officially the 44th President of the United States even without oath, as states the Constitution.

12:05 PM: Obama is sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts. Once more America can wave little U.S. flags with pride.

Faith is not simply for the religious. Belief is not only a personal conviction. Betterment is not just for those already in positions of strength. Hope, unity, respect, freedom--these words mean the same for all and should be said with the same faith and true conviction by everyone. Cynicism may often be earned but almost always too easy to embrace. Scoff if it is in your nature but do not stand in the way of the progress of a nation and all its people. Today we seek to reach new heights at one of our lowest points. Today is our day, whether you choose to believe or not. Today begins our future.

12:32 PM: Fox News attacks the first thirty minutes of the Obama Administration.


Unknown said...

LOL. Can't wait!

Sara Benincasa said...


Kevin Tor said...

Hurrah! Now I don't have to do mine and this will be much funnier! I'm tuned in.

Cindy said...

Friggin genius. Thanks.

Unknown said...

So now that it's over, can we go back to being cynical and distrusting the government?

Jennifer said...

What the FOX did they say?? No, never mind. I don't want to harsh my mellow.

D.B. Echo said...

I need to print this out to read along with my videotape of the blessed event!

yellojkt said...

I thought this was satire. Fake News did attack the first 30 minutes.