Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Complete Fabrications from My Upcoming Memoir "Ces: That's Not How It's Pronounced"

"People are always saying, 'Michael Nesmith's mom invented Liquid Paper.' But no one ever asks, 'Who invented Michael Nesmith's mom?' Let me tell you how I did it..."

"When the first draft of A Brief History of Time arrived it was 1385 pages. I had to make some tough edits. Removed an entire subplot about a magical amulet and 'Robbits.' Stevie was mortified but I think the sales speak for themselves."

"When I can't sleep I rescue people. Usually from burning buildings. Sometimes from awkward conversations."

"But my second-grade teacher just threw my history report right back at me, saying, 'China will never be a geoeconomic powerhouse.'"

"The next morning I awoke in a bathtub of ice with two fresh surgical scars and a note on the floor that read, 'We took your breasts.'"

"When I first pitched Blues Clues I envisioned it in black and white with heavy shadows, a hardboiled narration, double-crossing dames, lost souls rotting in every alleyway and cheap cigarettes dangling from every lip. Blue was suppose to die at the end. Steve was suppose to shoot him."

"I'm an old-school kind of guy. I almost never cry. But when I do the tears make enough gold to pay all my bills."

"Quang Tri, 1972. I was up to my ears in the shit and out of my mind with fear. The water, the trees, the air. None of it seemed real to me anymore. And as the bullets screamed across the swamp, the blood-curdling cries of my unit filled the sky and hope was choked out of all of us with our every short, hollow breath one thought kept coming back to me again and again and again--'For the love of God, I'm only five years old!'"

"It seemed with each day I was awakened by greater and greater acclaim for my writing in Sally Forth."


Kaitlyn said...

Reading shoddy comics every day for some twisted reason has made me appreciate Sally Forth more and more.

No, really.

And that Vietnam one, I swear I've seen it before.

Hopefully here, or you'll fail the course and lose your scholarship.

Kaitlyn said...

Wait - this is a rerun, brought out because of the fake Holocaust memoir.


Like the Daily Show, Colbert Report, Psych, and Arrested Development, your reruns still make me laugh.

Jennifer said...

I'd love to read the books written for each one of these amazing first sentences.

yellojkt said...

Gene Weingarten thinks the writers of Sally Forth are doing a wonderful job. That should be a warning.