Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Leaked Notes from Ann Coulter's Book Editor

Dear Ann:

* Please do not spell things phonetically. You clearly mispronounce a lot of words.

* Never start a sentence with "and," "but" or your crush on Timothy McVeigh.

* You have a tendency to write awkward sentences when working with concepts unfamiliar to you, such as American history.

* Although 780 endnotes is indeed impressive, almost all of yours seem to cite dreams, overheard bus conversations and blackface vaudevillian routines.

* Considering his death, perhaps it's best if you rephrase "I want to blow Ronald Reagan" in the past tense.

* Please check to ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, not simply a target and a racial slur.

* Contrary to your impassioned statements, James G. Watt's environmental policies did not, in fact, bring back the unicorn.

* Introductory elements of a sentence typically tend to establish either time or condition, not the author's overwhelming insecurity or need to avenge third-grade taunts.

* Keep your sentences simple, not your thoughts.

* The word "God" does not appear in the U.S. Constitution. Neither does the word "genocide."

* If you consult our publishing house's manual of style you'll notice that we frown on printing white text on white paper, despite your crippling fear of all things black.

* Read your manuscript out loud. If it sounds like Deutschland Uber Alles could easily be played in the background while you speak, we may have a problem.

* I'm very uncomfortable with the numerous rape fantasies in your manuscript, whether its the rape of the earth, of our natural resources or of you by Joe McCarthy.

• While I understand that you like to engage in hyperbole, calling yourself "attractive" is simply pushing it.


yellojkt said...

Hey, quit picking on Coulter! Hermaphrodites have feelings too. You are just determined to piss off all your readers.

Marquis de Chocula said...

Oh now, Ann has one set of parts and they're lady parts. She's oddly proportioned (and a terrible person), but she doesn't have a dong.

Then again, the guy who told me that was Dinesh D'Souza, and he wrote a non-fiction book called "The End of Racism".

Clumpy said...

Ann Coulter's pretty much a caricature of all of the problems with the media today. All of the self-assured partisan ignorance of Sean Hannity along with the crusader's shield of a Keith Olbermann. Bad combo.