Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Leaked Notes from Ann Coulter's Book Editor
* Please do not spell things phonetically. You clearly mispronounce a lot of words.
* Never start a sentence with "and," "but" or your crush on Timothy McVeigh.
* You have a tendency to write awkward sentences when working with concepts unfamiliar to you, such as American history.
* Although 780 endnotes is indeed impressive, almost all of yours seem to cite dreams, overheard bus conversations and blackface vaudevillian routines.
* Considering his death, perhaps it's best if you rephrase "I want to blow Ronald Reagan" in the past tense.
* Please check to ensure that each sentence has a subject and a verb, not simply a target and a racial slur.
* Contrary to your impassioned statements, James G. Watt's environmental policies did not, in fact, bring back the unicorn.
* Introductory elements of a sentence typically tend to establish either time or condition, not the author's overwhelming insecurity or need to avenge third-grade taunts.
* Keep your sentences simple, not your thoughts.
* The word "God" does not appear in the U.S. Constitution. Neither does the word "genocide."
* If you consult our publishing house's manual of style you'll notice that we frown on printing white text on white paper, despite your crippling fear of all things black.
* Read your manuscript out loud. If it sounds like Deutschland Uber Alles could easily be played in the background while you speak, we may have a problem.
* I'm very uncomfortable with the numerous rape fantasies in your manuscript, whether its the rape of the earth, of our natural resources or of you by Joe McCarthy.
• While I understand that you like to engage in hyperbole, calling yourself "attractive" is simply pushing it.