How to Have a Office Affair that Everyone in the Company Will Know about a Full Five Minutes before the Two of You Stumble out of the Utility Room

“Dipping your pen in the company ink.” “Uploading a new file.” “Targeting your skill set for a niche market." The euphemisms might have become increasingly abstract and disturbing but the point remains the same—much like a perverted squirrel, people who engage in office affairs are fucking nuts. But when it comes to "scheduling a quick one-on-one meeting behind the Chipolte's during lunch" the sanity of your actions rarely comes into question. That’s because somewhere between the oblivious and the obvious, between “kiss me” and “bite me,” lies that beautiful grace period when the planets all seem to be aligned in your favor, the stars all seem to be shining for only the two of you and the Fates are laughing so hard you can practically hear them choking. It's a period I like to call “The Four Stages of Romantic Retardation”:

1. The Initial Crush: Maybe it’s their smile. Maybe it’s their effervescent personality. Maybe it’s because they’re the only coworker to ever call you by your name even though you’ve been with the company for 12 full years—a fact that has made you so desperate for any acknowledgment of your existence that you’re willing to overlook the fact that they mispronounced “Ted” as “Guillermo.” Whatever the reason you yearn to be with them, which often leads you to…

2. That First Kiss: Whether it’s because you got tipsy at an office holiday party, drunk at an after work get-together or bat-blinding smashed at a corporate budgetary meeting, that first forbidden kiss can either result in excuses like “I mistakenly thought you were someone in a position of power” or be that first Knobs Creek-fueled step toward…

3. A Secret Fling: Stolen moments. Longing looks. Suggestive remarks so poorly veiled that even the office plants can figure out what’s going on. This is when it gets good…by which we mean for the staff gossips, who’ll be so tenacious in their pursuit for the truth that they’ll make Columbo look like a concussed Chief Wiggum. To combat the increased attention you’ll soon find yourself arriving at and leaving the office at different times, making sure to be seen having lunch with different people and enjoying a whole host of other such activities as a new couple. A couple that should all work out as it is meant to be will one day soon…

4. Exchange of Stilted, Awkward Pleasantries about the Weather or Undermining Remarks about How Tired the Other Person Looks: Well, you knew it couldn’t last. But what a week, huh? It seems like only yesterday your thoughts were only about one another. Now if you gave any less of a shit about each other you’d be constipated. Once the two of you could talk about anything for any length of time. Today all you can do is cough “what dick?” whenever the other presents at the weekly department meeting. But just because you’re giving each other the silent treatment doesn’t mean no one is talking. Remember that morning you shared your most guarded secrets? Remember that afternoon you felt close enough to cry in front of the other person? Remember that night you oh-so-casually brought up the subject of “golden showers”? Well, you might as well have cc’d the entire office after each encounter because it’s only going to be a matter of minutes between hearing yourself say “it’s over” and hearing your supervisor say “Hey, can we call you Pee Pee Herman now?” Your credibility will be shot. Your career will be garroted. Your confidence will be hit repeatedly with a blunt instrument. Everything you have worked so hard and so long for will all disappear in the blink of an eye and violent twitch of your mouth…but when you think about it, that was bound to happen sooner or later anyway so you might as well get laid.