Friday, December 21, 2007

Santa’s Pre-Flight Checklist

Unless you still think the best route to Cameroon is US 95 South, do not consult MapQuest again.

For the love of God, place the new puppies on TOP of the sled gift pile this year

Keep pre-flight partying to a minimum, especially any grand ideas to mix Jagermeister and egg nog. “Jag Nog”—what the hell was that?

Bring note informing little Jimmy Tilbert of Dayton, Ohio for the third year in a row that there does not exist a two-player party game called “Hammer Fight.”

Bring own snack food. Raiding kitchens in America because you’re starving is bad enough. Raiding kitchens in Uzbekhastan is just plain heartless.

This year don’t forget that several million children also live in trailers…and Wyoming.

Avoid having to rent Ryder truck at last minute by making certain reindeer are actually connected to sled before take-off.

Fulfill promise to brother-in-law and bring along CD recording of his band “Illinoise” to listen to on trip.

Switch from Sprint to another cell phone provider before Christmas Eve. Not being able to get a signal in Krakow is understandable. Not being to get a signal in midtown Manhattan is inexcusable.

Give elves their usual Christmas bonus—a $25 gift certificate to the Outback Steakhouse.

Save time, travel and headaches by organizing gifts in bag according to country, not child’s height.

No matter how bad it gets out there that night, just keep telling yourself, “Hey, at least I’m no longer working in marketing.”

Instead of packing several hundred different suits so as to adhere to each region’s traditional depiction of St. Nick, introduce universal “Gap Santa” outfit.

Try for once not to give rich kids everything they never needed and poor kids a “sampling” of crayons swiped from pediatricians’ waiting rooms.

If any child sees you, quickly apply “sleeper hold.”


Sara Benincasa said...

Genius, as per usual.

Anonymous said...

I sorta stole this idea for my blog.

I like stealing other people's ideas.

Now if I could just steal your g/f.

D.B. Echo said...

Hmmmm. He said we "should really enter the site." Perhaps we should.

Ted Forth is totally cribbing off my life again today. Yes, it's a miserable job - but today it's paying time-and-a-half!

D.B. Echo said...

Happy New Year!