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Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
What Happens after the Economy Collapses and Civilization Ends
The few survivors break into two warring factions, “The Feral Slashers” and “The Milksop Fops.” The ensuing battle is swift and decisive.
With a new civilization comes a new Creation Myth, one that states, “In the beginning there were canned goods and Lou’s Dodge Dart…”
Despite the absence of any atomic blast and in defiance of the “square-cube law,” the world is overrun with 40-story rabbits.
Out of respect for the worldwide extermination of most of the human race, “The Tonight Show” goes on hiatus for a week.
With 98% of earth’s population gone, people’s requests to be added as one another’s friends on Facebook take a far more desperate tone.
Sensing there is no longer a housing market, Manhattan real estate prices experience a momentary dip.
Stephen King’s The Stand is re-filmed with a live webcast.
In a new world where everyone must now provide a service crucial to the survival of mankind, the humor writers find themselves pretty much fucked.
With a new civilization comes a new Creation Myth, one that states, “In the beginning there were canned goods and Lou’s Dodge Dart…”
Despite the absence of any atomic blast and in defiance of the “square-cube law,” the world is overrun with 40-story rabbits.
Out of respect for the worldwide extermination of most of the human race, “The Tonight Show” goes on hiatus for a week.
With 98% of earth’s population gone, people’s requests to be added as one another’s friends on Facebook take a far more desperate tone.
Sensing there is no longer a housing market, Manhattan real estate prices experience a momentary dip.
Stephen King’s The Stand is re-filmed with a live webcast.
In a new world where everyone must now provide a service crucial to the survival of mankind, the humor writers find themselves pretty much fucked.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Quotes from a Recently Unemployed Wall Street Senior VP
* "Oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god, oh god! Our house! Our helipad!...The gryphon!"
* "Of course I don't know what I'm doing! But do you know how much it costs to have a fresco refurbished professionally?!?"
* "I'm sorry, Rubella, but we just can't afford to have you as our maid anymore...Not even on alternating weeks...What?...Yeah, well you just try and scrape up the funds for a DNA test. Until then your little boy still calls me 'Mr. Levinson.'"
* "See?! See?! It said so right on the coupon! 'Two MEDIUM pizzas with one topping, free two-liter soda, $18!' You order two LARGE pizzas and you might as well say, 'Here! Ass-rape our bank account!'"
* "That's five dollars to pet the gryphon, ten to ride it and a hundred to have 15 minutes alone with it."
* "They want more scones and apple butter?! What do all our B&B guests have, tapeworm?!"
* "I rented the main house to something called The Real World. See the girl face down in our hot tub not making any more bubbles? She's the 'fun one.'"
* "You know, I'm really getting sick and tired of everyone saying the word 'arson.'"
* "Hey, Morty. Gimme a Pick 6, two Lucky 7's, a Jersey Jackpot and whatever you got in your cash register."
• "I ate the gryphon."
* "Of course I don't know what I'm doing! But do you know how much it costs to have a fresco refurbished professionally?!?"
* "I'm sorry, Rubella, but we just can't afford to have you as our maid anymore...Not even on alternating weeks...What?...Yeah, well you just try and scrape up the funds for a DNA test. Until then your little boy still calls me 'Mr. Levinson.'"
* "See?! See?! It said so right on the coupon! 'Two MEDIUM pizzas with one topping, free two-liter soda, $18!' You order two LARGE pizzas and you might as well say, 'Here! Ass-rape our bank account!'"
* "That's five dollars to pet the gryphon, ten to ride it and a hundred to have 15 minutes alone with it."
* "They want more scones and apple butter?! What do all our B&B guests have, tapeworm?!"
* "I rented the main house to something called The Real World. See the girl face down in our hot tub not making any more bubbles? She's the 'fun one.'"
* "You know, I'm really getting sick and tired of everyone saying the word 'arson.'"
* "Hey, Morty. Gimme a Pick 6, two Lucky 7's, a Jersey Jackpot and whatever you got in your cash register."
• "I ate the gryphon."
Monday, September 22, 2008
Where the Company Diversity Day Went Wrong
Handicapped employees’ contributions to office repeatedly referred to as “noble attempts.”
Seminar on gay and lesbian issues ends with “I triple-dog dare you!”
Multiracial employees instructed to “pick one or the other” for sake of discussion.
No mention of Asians until very end, when office experiences IT problem.
Employees encouraged to dress in traditional ethic clothes. Everyone shows up in Old Navy.
Talk on gender politics titled “The Glass Ceiling—A Reflection on So Many Pretty Faces.”
The phrases “If I closed my eyes I couldn’t tell,” “I love your people’s music” and “I don’t blame you, Sahid” are heard more than once.
Christian table only one with bullhorn.
Mailroom staff’s “Hooray for Santy Claus” presentation both highlights and undermines day’s message.
African-American employee’s lecture on being paraplegic seen as “bait and switch.”
Trust exercise results in six broken backs.
Hispanic Awareness lesson clearly cribbed from “Sabado Gigante” skit.
White workers see event as great opportunity to collect recipes.
Blind employee told he addressed a packed room 20 minutes before his lecture begins.
Persian and Arab groups can’t convince management of need for two separate tables.
Elderly employee panel reads newspaper headlines out loud to anyone who will listen.
Interfaith office basketball game ends in first quarter after everyone fouls out.
“Italian Pavilion” actually just banner over sanitation dock.
Event ends with CEO stating, “They have us outnumbered.”
Seminar on gay and lesbian issues ends with “I triple-dog dare you!”
Multiracial employees instructed to “pick one or the other” for sake of discussion.
No mention of Asians until very end, when office experiences IT problem.
Employees encouraged to dress in traditional ethic clothes. Everyone shows up in Old Navy.
Talk on gender politics titled “The Glass Ceiling—A Reflection on So Many Pretty Faces.”
The phrases “If I closed my eyes I couldn’t tell,” “I love your people’s music” and “I don’t blame you, Sahid” are heard more than once.
Christian table only one with bullhorn.
Mailroom staff’s “Hooray for Santy Claus” presentation both highlights and undermines day’s message.
African-American employee’s lecture on being paraplegic seen as “bait and switch.”
Trust exercise results in six broken backs.
Hispanic Awareness lesson clearly cribbed from “Sabado Gigante” skit.
White workers see event as great opportunity to collect recipes.
Blind employee told he addressed a packed room 20 minutes before his lecture begins.
Persian and Arab groups can’t convince management of need for two separate tables.
Elderly employee panel reads newspaper headlines out loud to anyone who will listen.
Interfaith office basketball game ends in first quarter after everyone fouls out.
“Italian Pavilion” actually just banner over sanitation dock.
Event ends with CEO stating, “They have us outnumbered.”
Please Hold for a Special Announcement
First, thank you to everyone who watched What Is Comedy?, helping it achieve almost a whopping 370,000 views in four days. I say "almost," and not "exactly" or "over" 370,000, meaning the enterprise has been a total failure on my part. I'd also like to give a special thanks to the commentator who raved, "That was good. Not great, but good." Okay, on to the subject at hand. The Medium Large site will always first and foremost be about the the eponymous comic strip. But I'm also expending it to be a full-service, bloated fiasco of a humor hub (since such has always been a dream of mine, beginning when I was nine and had no idea there was an Internet and believed computers would employ simply mathematics to take over the world, much as they did in Colossus: The Forbin Project). New additions such as The Catalog of Unfit Toys and Conversations with Dad have joined ranks with such long-standing (if one could call "a month or so" long-standing) sections as The Sarah Palin Vlogs and Comic Strip Writing 101. In time I hope to redesign the site to better accommodate all such features as well as this blog and a store, featuring the first book collection of Medium Large (tentatively titled, Absalom, Absalom! or On the Origin of Species). Of course, if any of you have ideas on how to go about making such changes to the site--or wish to offer suggestions--by all means please do so. I would greatly appreciate it!
We are Francesco Marciuliano and TODD and we approve this message.
Friday, September 19, 2008
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