Hey there!
Blog entries may be few and far between for the next three weeks for one of the following reasons:
* I have been kidnapped by the dreaded pirate Bluetooth who, despite his nom de pillage, provides absolutely no wi-fi access to his captives.
* By the end of this sentence I would have used up all the English I learned while studying for my TOEFL: Long Island as First Language Edition exam and must now teach myself some new words.
* I have given up writing and cartooning all together for my new, one true passion--onanism.
* Turns out the coroner was right. I am dead.
* I'm going to bum around on a beach in Portugal for the next three weeks under the misguided belief that if I ring in my 40th birthday in a foreign land then the age won't really take and I will remain 39 when I return to the U.S. in mid-August.
Thanks for reading this blog! Will try to update whenever and wherever possible. If not, see you in mid-August!
Ces
Friday, July 27, 2007
Famous Product Failures #1: New Coke
This year marks the 25th anniversary of the introduction of Diet Coke. Lost in the fanfare, however, is the almost-as-historic 22nd anniversary of the launch of New Coke (as well as the 15th anniversary of its ultimate demise). The following is the true story of that latter soda's famous failure.
New Coke
1985
Reason for failure: Rapidly losing market share due to the tremendous success of the “Pepsi Challenge” campaign, Coca-Cola dropped its one hundred-year-old flagship soda in favor of a sweeter-tasting recipe. The resulting beverage, “New Coke,” proved an instant smash, quickly outselling the original product across all demographics. Supermarkets couldn’t keep the brand on the shelf. Business schools touted “New Coke” as the very model of marketing savvy and crisis management. Late-night talk show hosts repeatedly made jokes about how no one could even remember what the “Old Coke” (or “UnCoca-Cola” as it became to be known) tasted like. People were so overwhelmed by the cola’s success, in fact, that they failed to notice the sudden and sharp increase in werewolf attacks across the United States. Within two years of New Coke’s introduction America had become 65% lyncanthrope, causing great debate about whether or not the National Anthem should be rewritten to include howls and if two werewolves could legally marry, given that one could never properly ascertain their gender unless you lifted up their tail and looked closely. Eventually the Senate sought to limit all werewolf rights, leading to a full-scale monster attack on the capital and its citizens, re-enacted in the blockbuster film “RowrRoarCrunchSlop.” By 1992 New Coke was pulled in favor of spilt blood.
New Coke
1985
Reason for failure: Rapidly losing market share due to the tremendous success of the “Pepsi Challenge” campaign, Coca-Cola dropped its one hundred-year-old flagship soda in favor of a sweeter-tasting recipe. The resulting beverage, “New Coke,” proved an instant smash, quickly outselling the original product across all demographics. Supermarkets couldn’t keep the brand on the shelf. Business schools touted “New Coke” as the very model of marketing savvy and crisis management. Late-night talk show hosts repeatedly made jokes about how no one could even remember what the “Old Coke” (or “UnCoca-Cola” as it became to be known) tasted like. People were so overwhelmed by the cola’s success, in fact, that they failed to notice the sudden and sharp increase in werewolf attacks across the United States. Within two years of New Coke’s introduction America had become 65% lyncanthrope, causing great debate about whether or not the National Anthem should be rewritten to include howls and if two werewolves could legally marry, given that one could never properly ascertain their gender unless you lifted up their tail and looked closely. Eventually the Senate sought to limit all werewolf rights, leading to a full-scale monster attack on the capital and its citizens, re-enacted in the blockbuster film “RowrRoarCrunchSlop.” By 1992 New Coke was pulled in favor of spilt blood.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
"Fan" Art
An, uh, inspired revision from the people of Yo God:
Thanks to Dave for the heads-up!
Also available for your amusement: Help Sally Choose a New Hairstyle.
Thanks to Dave for the heads-up!
Also available for your amusement: Help Sally Choose a New Hairstyle.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
How To Write to a Cartoonist
A correspondence primer for those who need to put others in their place (and rightfully so):
1. When writing to a cartoonist, immediately assume a spurned, petulant or even churlish tone. This will automatically capture your intended's attention by playing off of their gnawing fear that they have once more disappointed their readership as well as their desire to make everything all right. A suitable sample opener would be "I am almost halfway finished writing this first sentence and I have still yet to get a response from you."
2. Genuine inquisitiveness is the life's blood of any healthy dialogue. Showcase your interest in the cartoonist's career with such queries as "Seriously, have you ever worked in a real office before?", "Seriously, have you ever been a member of a family before?" and "Seriously, have you ever had a ripe peach before?"
3. Form a strong, perhaps unyielding bond with the cartoonist. This can easily be accomplished by drawing obvious parallels between your life and those of the comic strip's characters. Such examples are "I couldn't help but notice that on the 7/3 strip of Sally Forth you had Ted eat a sandwich for lunch. Surely you know that I, too, have been known to enjoy a sandwich for lunch. Care to explain? Hmm? I'm waiting.", " I see that you mentioned North America, my home continent, in your strip. Clearly this cannot be a coincidence." or "Why is Hilary looking at me like that again?"
4. The workday of a cartoonist is a solitary one, oft bereft of the crucial exchange of ideas and inspiration that encourage powerful results and great art. It is therefore your task to help said cartoonists by offering your own suggestions. Make sure that they come across as emphatic as possible so that your proposals simply cannot be ignored: "Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't be writing a comic strip?!", "Your latest story arc is surely your dumbest yet. For the last time, when are you going to introduce some sort of mole character in the strip?!" and "I'm neither a mom nor employed. Maybe it's about time you did a strip that actually spoke to your reader!"
5. Correspondence is a two-way street, even when there's not a single chance in hell that the cartoonist will respond. That's because writing a fan letter to a cartoonist can be quite the cathartic exeprience, much to the surprise of the very author of the letter. Often in the act of pointing out the foibles of others one might well learn a little something about themselves, such as "I don't know why a comic strip named 'Sally Forth' has to put the female character of Sally so much in the front and center when I'm a real guy who doesn't like such women's lib feminism crap like my having to report to a female boss and constantly calling girls who don't return my calls and wondering just what my undying affection for Derek Jeter really means and feeling sweaty and threatened when I'm the only man in the elevator and also I hate my mom."
6. While an ultimatum can seem unduly harsh, sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand to get your recipient's undivided attention and spur necessary action. Such demands can include "As a long time reader of your strip I will never read your strip again until you apologize for that crack about double-sided windows", "Until you find Ted and my husband a career--a good one, not just some job--I'm never reading your so-called 'funny' strip again" and "I'm not even buying a newspaper until I see 'Moley,' the mole character, in 'Sally Forth.'"
1. When writing to a cartoonist, immediately assume a spurned, petulant or even churlish tone. This will automatically capture your intended's attention by playing off of their gnawing fear that they have once more disappointed their readership as well as their desire to make everything all right. A suitable sample opener would be "I am almost halfway finished writing this first sentence and I have still yet to get a response from you."
2. Genuine inquisitiveness is the life's blood of any healthy dialogue. Showcase your interest in the cartoonist's career with such queries as "Seriously, have you ever worked in a real office before?", "Seriously, have you ever been a member of a family before?" and "Seriously, have you ever had a ripe peach before?"
3. Form a strong, perhaps unyielding bond with the cartoonist. This can easily be accomplished by drawing obvious parallels between your life and those of the comic strip's characters. Such examples are "I couldn't help but notice that on the 7/3 strip of Sally Forth you had Ted eat a sandwich for lunch. Surely you know that I, too, have been known to enjoy a sandwich for lunch. Care to explain? Hmm? I'm waiting.", " I see that you mentioned North America, my home continent, in your strip. Clearly this cannot be a coincidence." or "Why is Hilary looking at me like that again?"
4. The workday of a cartoonist is a solitary one, oft bereft of the crucial exchange of ideas and inspiration that encourage powerful results and great art. It is therefore your task to help said cartoonists by offering your own suggestions. Make sure that they come across as emphatic as possible so that your proposals simply cannot be ignored: "Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't be writing a comic strip?!", "Your latest story arc is surely your dumbest yet. For the last time, when are you going to introduce some sort of mole character in the strip?!" and "I'm neither a mom nor employed. Maybe it's about time you did a strip that actually spoke to your reader!"
5. Correspondence is a two-way street, even when there's not a single chance in hell that the cartoonist will respond. That's because writing a fan letter to a cartoonist can be quite the cathartic exeprience, much to the surprise of the very author of the letter. Often in the act of pointing out the foibles of others one might well learn a little something about themselves, such as "I don't know why a comic strip named 'Sally Forth' has to put the female character of Sally so much in the front and center when I'm a real guy who doesn't like such women's lib feminism crap like my having to report to a female boss and constantly calling girls who don't return my calls and wondering just what my undying affection for Derek Jeter really means and feeling sweaty and threatened when I'm the only man in the elevator and also I hate my mom."
6. While an ultimatum can seem unduly harsh, sometimes you just have to draw a line in the sand to get your recipient's undivided attention and spur necessary action. Such demands can include "As a long time reader of your strip I will never read your strip again until you apologize for that crack about double-sided windows", "Until you find Ted and my husband a career--a good one, not just some job--I'm never reading your so-called 'funny' strip again" and "I'm not even buying a newspaper until I see 'Moley,' the mole character, in 'Sally Forth.'"
Congratulations!
Big congrats to blog pal Jodiferous on her wedding. If there is a God, the bride and groom wrote their own vows in the form of slam poetry.
You Know What Would Be Great? If You Were to Fuck Up The Strip And Your Career!
Another "fan" letter:
For some strange reason, I find myself addicted to your strip about this constantly smirking little example of corporate perfection and middle class feminism--and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm fascinated with its social and political subtext, which is thoroughly conservative. To my mind, she's thoroughly obnoxious. If I worked in her office, I wouldn't trust her for a second. But I see you're making changes--may I suggest some more? Maybe it'll help break my addiction, or at least give me some solid reasons for holding on to it.
Let Sally have a torrid affair with her boss Jowdy, breaking up her marriage. After he dumps her and forces her out of her job, she becomes embittered and starts reading Marxist and anarchist literature. She undergoes a complete conversion, and joins a left-wing terrorist underground organization dedicated to destroying capitalism. She changes her name to Red Sally, and plots to bomb her old corporate office. Caught by Homeland Security, she ends up in federal prison. Your strip then spends the next twenty years illustrating her life in stir.
There--now THAT'S something worth following every day!!
For some strange reason, I find myself addicted to your strip about this constantly smirking little example of corporate perfection and middle class feminism--and I don't know why. Maybe it's because I'm fascinated with its social and political subtext, which is thoroughly conservative. To my mind, she's thoroughly obnoxious. If I worked in her office, I wouldn't trust her for a second. But I see you're making changes--may I suggest some more? Maybe it'll help break my addiction, or at least give me some solid reasons for holding on to it.
Let Sally have a torrid affair with her boss Jowdy, breaking up her marriage. After he dumps her and forces her out of her job, she becomes embittered and starts reading Marxist and anarchist literature. She undergoes a complete conversion, and joins a left-wing terrorist underground organization dedicated to destroying capitalism. She changes her name to Red Sally, and plots to bomb her old corporate office. Caught by Homeland Security, she ends up in federal prison. Your strip then spends the next twenty years illustrating her life in stir.
There--now THAT'S something worth following every day!!
1500+ Prisoners of the Cebu Provincial Detention and Rehabilitation Center in the Philippines Recreate the Video for Michael Jackson's "Thriller"
For added fun try to guess which inmates are wrongly imprisoned. Then check out their high-steppin' versions of "I Will Follow Him" from Sister Act and "Radio Ga Ga" by Queen. Then just feel the guilt wash over you.
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