How to Celebrate Super Bowl Sunday in Style

Don’t commence drinking at the start of the pre-game show. Otherwise, you’ll die of alcohol poisoning a good two days before kickoff.

If hosting, try to maintain a convivial atmosphere even after Bruce Springsteen's rousing halftime medley of My City in Ruins/American Skin (41 Shots)

Despite all your hours of practicing, all those expensive dance lessons, none of the partygoers will be impressed by your flawless performance of “The Super Bowl Shuffle.”

Should the game prove to be boring or a blow-out, keep the party going with a quilting bee.

Shouting “Some of us are trying to read here!” will only alienate you from your fellow bar patrons.

Telling guests at great length your home’s “Proper Rules for Party Conduct” will only result in what police typically refer to as “spite damage.”

Use the large gathering to help defray costs and celebrate two events concurrently, such as “Go Steelers!/We Miss You, Miriam.”

See how many times you can quip “I didn’t know buffaloes had wings” before someone goes for your throat.

Save all questions like “What's the name of the team with the birds on their hats?” for Google.

Remember, there is only a two-second difference between “celebratory hug” and “stay the night.”

If you cannot afford HDTV, screw with the set’s color and tint controls until everything is red and blue. Then put on 3-D glasses.

“I’m gonna drink until my heart’s pumping Cuervo Gold” should be an idle boast at best.

Feel a part of the game by saying the same thing at the same time as the announcers for the length of the broadcast.

If you are in charge of festivities, try to be generous with the food. After all, one personal pan pizza and a six-pack of Pabst is not a Super Bowl party. It’s a last meal in Lubbock, Texas.

Bring a towel to snap at fellow guests to help keep the mood light and fun.

Should you be invited to a Super Bowl party but have no interest in professional football, subtly try to steer the evening’s conversation toward the latest Harper’s Index.

If you are even mildly turned on by Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl cheerleaders, it’s time to go home.

Telling the television set “This isn’t over” after your team loses will more than likely unnerve your fellow viewers.

Note that on any other day subsisting entirely on nachos supreme, chicken strips and Natural Light would be a drastic cry for help.

Avoid cursing in front of any children by redirecting your anger into random punching.

Screaming “Don’t look at me!!!” is not going to make your crying over a sappy television commercial any less awkward.

Understand that no amount of laudatory comments, no number of sun-drenched footage, is going to make the Super Bowl host city of Tampa Bay, Florida look in the least bit inviting.

Wonder if it's possible for the Obama marketing campaign to sue the new Pepsi markeying campaign for copyright infringement..

“Wanna take this outside?!?” is no way to resolve a disagreement over the Land of the Lost movie ad.

When painting your entire body in your team’s colors, remember this handy phrase—“Lead equals dead.”

Use the occasion to catch up with old friends’ current salaries. Measure your self-worth accordingly. .

Blame the refs for everything from team favoritism to your nail gun accident.

Abstain from saying things like “The girls on The View will have a field day with this!” out loud.

Know that as of this writing, no one has ever been able to appeal to a bookie’s “forgiving side.”

“Now what did we all learn from this?” is no way to wrap up a Super Bowl party.

Least Requested Super Bowl Party Food

Figs-in-Blanket

Chili Con Carp

Emeril’s Down-Home Bayou Louisiana-Style Cajun Hot n’ Spicy Blackened Pan-Seared Licorice

Almond-Flavored Peanuts

Imitation-Soy Soy

The Zombie Apocalypse Begins...in Texas

More on the story here.

Fashion-Forward Flashback

From a truly fashion-conscious Medium Large reader (who we will call Joe since that is indeed his name):

"A long time ago, you drew a comic for me when I donated to Medium Large. I had colorized it and remarked that I wanted to make it into a T-shirt.

Well, I *did*. Here's a pic of my wife and I. She wears the shirt all the time. :-)"




Very cool indeed, Joe! And your sartorial flair has inspired me to design a selection of official Medium Large T-shirts suitable for both home and the office of a job you cleared wish to lose. However, I'd like to avoid the CafePress route given their exorbitant prices for less-than-stellar product. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to go about making such shirts without my having to turn my apartment into a warehouse for unsold items? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

25th Anniversary of The First Macintosh Commercial

Shown only once on January 22, 1984, during Super Bow XVIII. Directed by Ridley Scott, shortly after he had completed Blade Runner. Much more info available here.

Available from Amazon.com: Uranium Ore

Get yours for that school project or Delorean time machine here. And make sure to read the very helpful reviews.

Thanks to Geoff for the heads-up!

Inauguration: The Live Blogging

9:56 AM: Laura Bush asks if the gift Michelle just gave her includes the gift receipt.

9:59 AM: Bushes and Obamas enjoy a cup of Genral Foods International Coffee French Vanilla, remembering that trip to Paris and their waiter--Jean-Luc!

10:01 AM: Jenny suddenly appears in the reflecting pool, yelling, "Forrest! Forrest!"

10:03 AM: Wolf Blitzer reminds me yet again that I should have been there in the mall rather than watching the moment on CNN. Thanks, Wolf.

10:08 AM: Bidens and Cheneys enjoy a tense, silent moment over a day-old, half-eaten Entemann's Danish Ring and Sanka.

10:12 AM: The meaning of "Very Important Person" is forever redefined when Lauren Conrad is seated in the VIP section.

10:15 AM: Dustin Hoffman walks from seat to seat in the VIP section, trying to get everyone--anyone--to see Last Chance Harvey.

10:18 AM: Justice Scalia busily flipping through law book, trying to find last-minute support for overturning election results.

10:22 AM: Former Justice Sandra Day O'Connor still turning heads and making elderly hearts swoon as she vamps up the V.I.P stairs.

10:28 AM: General seating policy proves a fiasco yet again as every U.S. Representative rushes into the VIP stand, scrambling for the best view.

10:30 AM: U.S. Marine Corps Band forgoes John Philip Sousa for Terrence Trent D'Arby. Crowd confusingly celebrates to the strains of "Wishing Well."

10:33 AM: Muhammad Ali mistakes fellow VIP guest Chuck Schumer for Joe Frazier. Champ knocks him out in two rounds.

10:39 AM: Cheney refuses Bidens' request to leave their coffee to go to Inauguration. Joe realizes for first time there are no doors or windows visible in the room.

10:42 AM: Barbara Bush arrives at the Capitol, commenting how proud she is on her son's third term as President.

10:43 AM:Laura Bush leaves White House for the last time, carrying what appears to be several office laptops and boxes of pens.

10:46 AM: Dick Cheney appears in a wheelchair. Joe Biden appears in a full-body cast. Both refuse to discuss what occurred during their brief meeting.

10:48 AM: Obama and Bush depart White House from North Portico, arguing furiously which radio station to listen to on way to Capitol.

10:50 AM: Presidential motorcade passes by reviewing stands, Capitol Hill, Potomac River and Delaware as Obama begins to get increasingly nervous.

10:53 AM: Jumbotrons on Mall go dead as changeover to HDTV signal occurs one month early.

10:56 AM: CNN's John King uses the "Magic Board" to literally reposition crowds in DC to allow for more press room.

10:58 AM: VIP guest Steven Spielberg tells CNN that he would replace all the Secret Service guns with walkie-talkies.

11:00 AM: First Lady and First Lady-Elect arrive at Capitol Hill, having inexplicably switched outfits and name tags.

11:01 AM: Supreme Court members are introduced to wild applause, tossed panties and room keys and screams to have the judges' babies.

11:03 AM: Various dignitaries arrive at Hill to crowd's instant recognition of various corporate COOs, beltway insiders and National Review editors.

11:06 AM: Dan Quayle arrives at Hill, wondering aloud if Obama is three-fifths of a President. He is immediately escorted out.

11:08 AM: Al Gore arrives at Hill and is immediately given Humanitarian Guest of Inauguration Day Award, as well as three other medals.

11:11 AM: Voice of God requests everyone be seated.

11:14 AM: George Herbert Walker Bush and Wife arrive at Hill at a noticeably sluggish pace only to be passed by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter. Race ensues. Hearts give out. President George Bush and Laura Bush walk over the four bodies.

11:16 AM: Clintons arrive at Hill. Hillary clearly muttering obscenities through a clenched smile.

11:18 AM: Former President Gerald Ford arrives at Hill to great astonishment.

11:20 AM: Former Presidents and First Ladies take their position at the inauguration platform, where they are greeted with swag bags including the latest historical revisions of their accomplishments in office.

11:23 AM: President Bush's daughters stumble in with countless beads around their necks.

11:24 AM: Malia and Sasha Obama enter the Hill to announce their new reality series on Nickelodeon.

11:26 AM: First Lady of Soul Aretha Franklin appears, greeting First Lady of Lite FM Laura Bush.

11:28 AM: Lynn Cheney is introduced to Mary's lone applause.

11:32 AM: Michele Obama and Jill Biden are introduced. Jill shouts to VIP guest Oprah that she had a choice to be either Second or First Lady.

11:35 AM: Vice President Dick Cheney is introduced. Sky immediately turns an inky blackness as the innocent bleed out.

11:36 AM: U.S. Marine Corps band introduces President Bush with "The Imperial March."

11:37 AM: Michelle now regrets asking Sasha to get the Lincoln Bible as her youngest daughter hands her a Bratz coloring book instead.

11:39 AM: Vice-President-Elect Joe Biden is introduced to great fanfare and traditional coupon book to Denny's.

11:41 AM: Crowd of two million waiting with bated breath for appearance of Staff Director of Inaugural Affairs.

11:43 AM: This is it! This is history! Nancy Pelosi has finally arrived!

11:44 AM: President-Elect Barack H. Obama makes a surprise appearance at the Inauguration!

11:45 AM: Voice of God tells everyone to take their seats again. Anyone left standing without a seat must leave.

11:46 AM: And now a great moment truly begins...

11:47 AM: President Bush wondering what Feinstein means by "need for change."

11:48 AM: Pastor Rick Warren commences opening prayer and pledge drive for his church's new cable station.

11:50 AM: Sasha is already bored.

11:51 AM: People around the world watching this most important remarkable event, thereby kissing goodbye to previous ratings champ, the last episode of M.A.S.H.

11:52 AM: ARETHA FRANKLIN! Legendary singer follows "My Country 'Tis of Thee" with a rousing rendition of "Think!"

11:57 AM: Mrs. Robinson stares at her son-in-law, thinking, "My daughter still could have done better."

11:58 AM: Biden is sworn in by Justice John Paul Stevens with what appears to be the printed version of Wikipedia.

11:59 AM: Itzhak Perlman, Yo-Yo Ma and others perform a John Williams original from Hayden.

12:00 PM: Barack Obama is now officially the 44th President of the United States even without oath, as states the Constitution.

12:05 PM: Obama is sworn in by Chief Justice John Roberts. Once more America can wave little U.S. flags with pride.

Faith is not simply for the religious. Belief is not only a personal conviction. Betterment is not just for those already in positions of strength. Hope, unity, respect, freedom--these words mean the same for all and should be said with the same faith and true conviction by everyone. Cynicism may often be earned but almost always too easy to embrace. Scoff if it is in your nature but do not stand in the way of the progress of a nation and all its people. Today we seek to reach new heights at one of our lowest points. Today is our day, whether you choose to believe or not. Today begins our future.

12:32 PM: Fox News attacks the first thirty minutes of the Obama Administration.

Lucid Dream Dos and Don'ts: Racist Dreams

From exceptionally talented friend Oren Brimer, who also has a commercial in the finals for the Doritos Crash the Super Bowl contest.

Frank Capra Knew in 1958 What George Bush Refused to Acknowledge in 2008

Fun Indoor Activities Now That the Exceedingly Cold Weather Will No Doubt Keep You Housebound Forever and Ever

With seemingly the entire nation in the white-knuckled grip of frigid temperatures certain to keep us homebound for days on end (it's currently 10 degrees here in New York City, -17 degrees in Minneapolis and a shockingly arctic 74 degrees in San Diego) here is a list of fun, easy-to-do family activities to help put off any Jack Torrance-like fate for at least a few hours:

* Discover for yourself the fine line between “functioning alcoholic” and “engaging in fistfight with own stove.”

* Dress all in black. Don ski mask. Crouch behind sofa. Giggle in anticipation.

* Make a sock puppet. Place sock puppet on hand. Repeatedly punch hand into wall. Determine lingering effects on sock puppet’s speech pattern.

* Bake several gingerbread men. Give each a mission and a Luger.

* Dial every prime phone number in White Pages.

* Fashion scaled down Vera Wang-like wedding couture for your cats using dishtowels for trains and cheesecloth for veils.

* Wonder why houseplants never wear cravats. Rectify that.

* Come up with a fascinating back story and devious motive for each and every one of your spoons.

* Cover yourself in pillows. Play “Human Pinball.”

* Cover yourself in saltines. Play “Cracker Man.”

* Go to Google. Type in “porn + power tools.” Sit back and marvel at the ingenuity of your fellow man.

* Hold a Hawaiian luau by killing and burying a succulent pig in your living room.

* Write down a snappy comeback for every possible situation imaginable.

* Devise own “taste test” lab to discover once and for all which condiment works best on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

* Revitalize entire wardrobe for spring using only a hot glue gun and ice cream sprinkles.

* See how long you can walk around your house wearing a colander on your head, oven mitts on your hands and soup ladles strapped to your feet before becoming convinced you’re your own kitchen.

* Start cap gun fight with the cops parked right outside your apartment window.

* Pit M&M’s and Skittles against each other in battle to the death. Winner takes on Reese’s Pieces.

* Perfect monkey impersonation by not shaving and attaching extension cord to ass.

* Play Scrabble using Jody Foster’s language from Nell.

* Pretend you’re in prison. Try to escape by hiding in your own laundry basket.

* Edit messages on Valentine candy hearts with a red pen and eye for clarity.

* Start dance craze by continuously performing in front of window for all to see.

* Reopen old Hot Wheels Auto Mechanic Playset. Patiently wait for customers.

Because What Eight-Year-Old Boy Wasn't Itching for His Own Recording of "Waltz of the Flowers"?

Back in the 1970's in the suburbs of New York a certain commercial would play repeatedly throughout an afternoon programming block of Looney Tunes, The Brady Bunch and Gilligan's Island. And precisely what was that ad that was deemed to speak directly to the consumer needs of a viewership comprised almost entirely of elementary school kids? Why, the following, of course:

:

The Ted Forth Manhood Index

Courtesy of Michael Cavna of Comics Riff fame comes a handy-dandy chart for a handy (or dandy) man, Ted Forth (click image to embiggen):



Join the discussion on Ted's testicular fortitude here!

Yes We Might!

Almost five years ago I had a dream...and quite frankly, it scared the living hell out of me. In the dream I was being chased by a bear and the faster I tried to run the slower I moved. Then suddenly I wound up in Mr. Penino's AP History class only to realize it was the day of the big test, all the questions were written in tiny print on a blackboard three miles away, I hadn't studied all year and I was completely naked. Soon every student carried a much bigger sword than me, I was the only one who couldn’t fly, a large hammer kept pounding a rubber spike into the ground but couldn't break the dirt, a train failed to get through a tunnel and a volcano prematurely exploded, leaving me both utterly ashamed and yet completely relaxed.

I also had another dream, minus the Freudian imagery so obvious that my cat was laughing at me. And that dream was to one day see my webcomic Medium Large achieve third place in the 2008 Weblog Awards' Best Comic Strip category. And as of this writing on the final day of voting that dream seems close to becoming a reality, courtesy of your unwavering support and unending ballot stuffing.

And to thank you for voting for me I now present your official web badge (in two handy-dandy-pointless sizes). Now--and forever-- you can show on your site, your arm or in the inside of your wastebasket (should you you take the time to print it and then throw it out) that you made a difference in this most important of elections:



But don't think I left out those who chose to cast their ballots elsewhere. You were just as an important part of this history-making poll as those who elected to vote for my webcomic. And so to you, too, I present your very own badges so that you may proudly show your true stance:




Thank you again for all your votes. With less than two hours until the polls close I can stand before you and say, "Yes we might! Yes we may just might!"

The Business of Business Is Writing About Business

Now, I know some of you may be tiring of these constant updates about the current position of my webcomic Medium Large on The 2008 Weblog Awards Best Comic Strip Poll (where you can vote every 24 hours through January 13th and where my strip is tentatively in third place). I know such polls are, in the grand scheme of things, often silly and exercises in self-congratulation. I know the point of doing a webcomic is the actual pleasure of creating said strip, not requiring external accolades and affirmations. I know so many things. And you know why I know?

Constant personal edification. Even at the ripe old age of 41 I still recognize how crucial it is never to stop learning, never to stop feeding one's brain--one's very soul--with more and more information and the understanding of others. To deny ourselves new knowledge, new counsel, is to deny our very lives their purpose. For it's not the "meaning" of life we are truly after in the end but the very experience of being alive, to know that we truly have lived, and part of doing such is to be open to all possibilities and potential, whether through our own actions or those of others.

So in that very spirit of self-exploration and intellectual expedition I decided to do something new and read several books from a branch of thought I have thus far denied myself--business management. To be quite honest, I fully expected to glean little of personal value from such an endeavor but lo, how wrong I was. And thus, to help those like myself who are always on the lookout for new academic and analytical horizons, I have compiled summaries of the five business books I read during the holiday rerun period on TV. Read, revel and reawaken your senses to what may be.

Just Because You Wish Thorn Bushes Tasted like Double Chocolate Swirl Ice Cream Doesn’t Mean You Should Go Right Out and Lacerate Your Mouth in a Thicket: A Business Fable
From the best-selling author of If Wishes Were Candy We’d All Be Buried Under Six Tons of Zagnuts comes this instructive guide about going from a career dreamer to a professional doer. The book opens—as many a business tome does—with a parable, this time about a snowman that more than anything else wants to be a polar bear. With a Fender guitar. And a trophy wife. He wishes and wishes but no matter how hard he hopes his dreams always come to naught. Then one day a penguin drives up in a golf cart and says in a comical French accent, "Stupid snowman. You can never be a polar bear. Your body structure is all wrong. Plus bears have strict unions. Instead, you should concentrate on being the best snowman ever." The snowman mulls this over for a second and then replies, "You’re right! I’m going to be the best snowman ever." Six months later he has controlling interest in U.S. Steel.

While the book includes much in the way of useful information, the reader is eventually left with more questions then answers. Why does the imagery of the parable in no way correspond to that of the book’s title? How exactly does a snowman assume leadership of one of the world’s largest business concerns? Why does the penguin suddenly reappear in the final chapter only to rail against the Scots and the Trilateral Commission? In the end, though, these are minor quibbles compared to the wisdom you are certain to gain about flightless waterfowl and the rich inner lives of inanimate objects.


Hunter S. Thompson on Leadership
Keeping in spirit with the late, self-proclaimed "gonzo" journalist’s decisive moves and distinctive style, this short, direct work will teach executives wholly unexpected approaches for results-oriented management. Less an actual book than a compilation of quotes he woke up to find he had written on the walls and roof of his house, it’s sure to appeal to professionals who don’t want to think outside the box so much as shoot at it with an unlicensed howitzer while under the influence of home-cooked mescaline (as clearly demonstrated in the author’s photo). From the opening chapter "Look What Those Fucking Raccoons Did to My Youth I’m Going to Poison the Water Commissioner" to the closing summary "Oh Jesus I Can’t Feel My Thoughts I Want a Quesadilla Why Won’t the Key Start the Coat Rack," readers are sure to glean crucial insights into setting goals, establishing clear priorities, resolving personnel conflicts and just how to start building a submarine in your basement only to get distracted and instead try to construct a language consisting only of vowels. The book also contains what might be a recipe for beef stew, directions to some friend’s party and 122 pages about how to use dynamite in lieu of a fishing rod or swimming pool contractor.


The 247,000 Attributes of an Effective Business Leader
"Charisma." "Confidence." "Passion." "Selflessness." "Responsibility." "Vision." "Goals." "Initiative." "Analysis." "Instruction." "Teamwork." "Guidance." "Directness." "Loyalty." "Motivation." "Productivity." "Praising." "Discernment." The list goes on and one for more than 700 pages with nary an introduction, illustration or summation. While the author’s insistence on breaking up each term by syllable, the dearth of any context save proper grammatical usage and the inexplicable presence of such words as "heliotrope," "nursemaid" and "pulchritude" may lead one to assume the publisher simply slapped a new cover over an old copy of Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, the tome is nonetheless an invaluable addition to any business professional’s library. Be sure to check out the highly informative appendices, including "Geographical Names," "A Chronology of Major Historical Events" and "A Guide to Pronunciation Symbols."


You Can’t Spell "Cannot" without "Can": Making the Impossible Unimpossiblish
If good management is the execution of a plan that meets or exceeds department goals then clearly great management is the execution of a plan that defies all reasonable or even logical expectations. To prove their point the authors randomly brought together a paleontologist, an unemployed bass player and the touring company of "Godspell" to lead a small South Pacific island to prosperity and international prominence. Six weeks later everyone was dead save a lone monkey with a note taped to his chest that read "Our new leader." While most people would look at the swath of needless destruction, the innumerable corpses and a logbook that includes the passage "Every day the monkey doubles our productivity quotas" as sure signs of absolute management failure, the authors (whose previous publishing credits include the investment guide Just Keep Thinking Happy Thoughts and Maybe Your Stocks Will Bounce Back) focus only on the positive. The country never had time to go into debt. No one achieved success at the expense of another team member. Everyone worked together to construct a large kite in hopes of flying off the island (albeit only to float into an active volcano). By concentrating on what was accomplished and completely ignoring all that went horribly, horribly awry, the authors illustrate a defining principle of most business leaders—to maintain a strong "vision" for your department it’s perfectly acceptable to ignore all the blind spots along the way.


Oh, God, We’re Fucked: How Change Will Be the Death of Us All
Written as a harsh rebuttal to the hugely successful and encouraging leadership bible Who Moved My Cheese?, this hastily scrawled and stapled tome starts with the premise that change can have nothing but a detrimental effect on one’s professional and personal life. Things proceed to get only darker from there as the author recounts a lifetime of setbacks, personal failures and opportunities that proved to be anything but. Eventually he forgoes prose all together to doodle stick figures in a hangman’s noose, paste pictures of his ex-girlfriend taken with a telephoto lens and scribble an extensive "enemies list" that includes several thousand names, many of them Muppets. Poorly mimeographed, published through a vanity press that shares an address with an SRO hotel and available only at check-cashing locations, the book is a desperate, utterly despairing cry for help. But at less than 40 pages—many of those torn out by the author himself—it can easily be read on your commute to work and the staggeringly obscene book jacket art alone is well worth your two bucks.

Medium Large: A Possible Third Place Finish?

Did you know you can vote for Medium Large every 24 hours for the 2008 Weblog Best Comic Strip? Did you know said Medium Large is currently only 50-70 votes shy of catching up with present third place nominee Day by Day? How could you not know that? Isn't it major news? I mean, seriously, what newspapers and magazines do you read, anyway? "All of them"? What the hell kind of answer is "All of them"? And why am I making a Palin callback in January?

Anyway, I'm telling you this breaking news now so you won't be caught off guard just like the grasshopper in that fable. You know the one I'm talking about. While the ant toils away to get ready for the long winter months ahead the grasshopper frolics and fritters, completely unaware that the ant is in actuality the very serial killer that's responsible for a string homicides in the vegetable garden. Then one day the grasshopper returns home only to find his roommate hacked to pieces and a message on his bathroom mirror scrawled in blood that reads, "You're next." The grasshopper tries to tell the police what happened but they're of no help. In fact, for reasons the grasshopper doesn't quite understand the police think HE may be the killer! So the grasshopper must take matters in his own hands, even if it means endangering the love of his life. Immediately his girlfriend is kidnapped. Remembering something the ant told him at the beginning of the story--when they were both up for partnership for that architectural firm that wanted to build a new high-rise in the vegetable garden only to be blocked by a string of public advocates and politicians who are now all dead--the grasshopper goes to the ant's home, where he finds he is too late to save his beloved. Federal agents now surround the house, no doubt tipped off by the ant to frame our hero, but he escapes thanks to dumb luck and a particularly egregious plot contrivance. Ultimately ant and grasshopper face off on the ledge of the now partially constructed high-rise in the garden. Words are exchanged. The ant details his plot to have the grasshopper found guilty of the murders so that he alone could be made partner and rake in the riches from his stock once the high-rise is complete and fully rented. Then we see the flash of a knife. We hear the peel of a gunshot. We see a limp corpse drop 40 stories. We are horrified but learn a valuable lesson and are all the better for it.

So in conclusion, please do me the great favor of voting every day for Medium Large for Best New Comic Strip. And make sure to support The Comics Curmudgeon in his strong bid for Best Humor Blog.

And never, ever trust ants.

Complete Fabrications from My Upcoming Memoir "Ces: That's Not How It's Pronounced"

"People are always saying, 'Michael Nesmith's mom invented Liquid Paper.' But no one ever asks, 'Who invented Michael Nesmith's mom?' Let me tell you how I did it..."

"When the first draft of A Brief History of Time arrived it was 1385 pages. I had to make some tough edits. Removed an entire subplot about a magical amulet and 'Robbits.' Stevie was mortified but I think the sales speak for themselves."

"When I can't sleep I rescue people. Usually from burning buildings. Sometimes from awkward conversations."

"But my second-grade teacher just threw my history report right back at me, saying, 'China will never be a geoeconomic powerhouse.'"

"The next morning I awoke in a bathtub of ice with two fresh surgical scars and a note on the floor that read, 'We took your breasts.'"

"When I first pitched Blues Clues I envisioned it in black and white with heavy shadows, a hardboiled narration, double-crossing dames, lost souls rotting in every alleyway and cheap cigarettes dangling from every lip. Blue was suppose to die at the end. Steve was suppose to shoot him."

"I'm an old-school kind of guy. I almost never cry. But when I do the tears make enough gold to pay all my bills."

"Quang Tri, 1972. I was up to my ears in the shit and out of my mind with fear. The water, the trees, the air. None of it seemed real to me anymore. And as the bullets screamed across the swamp, the blood-curdling cries of my unit filled the sky and hope was choked out of all of us with our every short, hollow breath one thought kept coming back to me again and again and again--'For the love of God, I'm only five years old!'"

"It seemed with each day I was awakened by greater and greater acclaim for my writing in Sally Forth."

Medium Large: Making a Bold Bid for Fourth Place

Well, the voting for 2008 Weblog Award's Best Comic Strip is up and running and it's surely no one's surprise that Internet sensation and pop culture juggernaut Garfield Minus Garfield is in the lead by a large margin, followed by xkcd and Day by Day.

But what's this? As of this writing that woebegone street urchin of webcomics Medium Large is ahead of newspaper mainstay Dilbert by not only a handful of votes but almost a handful-and-a-half, putting it squarely in fourth place!

But there is still a week of voting to go and so much can happen in such a short time.

Now is a critical time in our history, people. Now is the time to overthrow the status quo, to topple long-held notions about what is fit for fourth place and what is suitable for fifth place in an online comic strip poll. Yes, this may be tough going for us all. We may regret the actions we take in the coming week. But such revolutions are almost always characterized by savagery and a drastic change to the power base, only to begat further violence and upheaval. Remember the Russian Revolution. Or the French Revolution. Ot that episode of the Smurfs when they overthrew Gargamel only to turn on each other and realize that 1) Smurfs turn into malt balls, not gold and 2) Harmony Smurf made Idi Amin look like Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear by comparison. So much bloodshed. So many high-pitched screams. So many carcasses mistaken for crushed blueberries.

But still, there was victory to be had, no matter how fleeting. So please, go to the Best Comic Strip poll and vote for Medium Large once a day, every day, until January 13th! (Not only is such repetitive activity legal by Weblog Award rules but it's the perfect activity for your most dire obsessive compulsive needs!) And make sure to vote again and again for The Comic Curmudgeon for Best Humor Blog!

Be brave, my compatriots. Join us and create a brand new society with your votes. After all, "fear" is but a four-letter word but "comic" is five. Think about it.

Marley and Me 2

Starting Today: Vote "Medium Large" for 2008 Weblog Awards Best Comic Strip!

Yes, starting TODAY, January 5, through January 13th you finally have your chance to help a struggling webcomic land in at least third or fourth place in the 2008 Weblog Awards by voting here! Yes, right here! Or by clicking the above image, which will lead you right to here!

Now, I'm being realistic about my chances, especially in light of such stellar competition as webcomic behemoth xkcd, the internationally-syndicated Dilbert and the Internet comic strip story of 2008, Garfield Minus Garfield. But wouldn't it be great if Best Comic Strip this year wasn't some strip with millions of fans and well-earned critical praise but an old ex-heroin addict searching for a comeback at any price?

Oh, wait. I think I just channeled Billy Mack from Love Actually.

Anyway, in honor of the occasion and in hopes of engendering some positive press in time for voting, all this week Medium Large is handing out its own "Best in Comics 2008" Awards, complete with exciting categories those uptight, buttoned-down judges at the Reubens or Adult Entertainment Awards wouldn't dare feature. So come see if any of your favorites will be walking off with the highly-coveted "Meedy Largey" trophy this year by clicking here!

So in conclusion, don't forget to help Medium Large--the strip The Webcomic Overlook ecstatically acclaimed, "I’m fond of...but not a HUGE fan" win "Best Comic Strip" by voting here!

And don't forget to vote The Comics Curmudgeon for Best Humor Blog by clicking here!

UPDATE: After a few hours waiting, voting has finally begun! Also, you can vote once a day so ballot stuffing is actually allowed. Yay!

January Man

If you didn't get your copy of the Hot Blogger Calendar then you missed your chance to start 2009 with a full-size pic of this slice of cheesesteakcake:


I don't know what's sexier--the fact that I can't smile on camera, that the wonderful makeup artist had to cover the razor burns on my face or that I openly admit to using antidepressants.

Anyway, Happy New Year!

HOLY CRAP! "MEDIUM LARGE" IS A 2008 WEBLOG AWARD FINALIST FOR BEST COMIC STRIP!

I had no idea until I stumbled upon this two minutes ago!

Needless to say I'm honored. Also needless to say, I will be reminding people of this nomination when voting starts on Monday, January 5th.

Thank you to any and all who nominated my strip! That really means the world to me!

And a very special shout-out to The Comics Curmudgeon for being nominated "Best Humor Blog"!