With seemingly the entire nation in the white-knuckled grip of frigid temperatures certain to keep us homebound for days on end (it's currently 10 degrees here in New York City, -17 degrees in Minneapolis and a shockingly arctic 74 degrees in San Diego) here is a list of fun, easy-to-do family activities to help put off any Jack Torrance-like fate for at least a few hours:
* Discover for yourself the fine line between “functioning alcoholic” and “engaging in fistfight with own stove.”
* Dress all in black. Don ski mask. Crouch behind sofa. Giggle in anticipation.
* Make a sock puppet. Place sock puppet on hand. Repeatedly punch hand into wall. Determine lingering effects on sock puppet’s speech pattern.
* Bake several gingerbread men. Give each a mission and a Luger.
* Dial every prime phone number in White Pages.
* Fashion scaled down Vera Wang-like wedding couture for your cats using dishtowels for trains and cheesecloth for veils.
* Wonder why houseplants never wear cravats. Rectify that.
* Come up with a fascinating back story and devious motive for each and every one of your spoons.
* Cover yourself in pillows. Play “Human Pinball.”
* Cover yourself in saltines. Play “Cracker Man.”
* Go to Google. Type in “porn + power tools.” Sit back and marvel at the ingenuity of your fellow man.
* Hold a Hawaiian luau by killing and burying a succulent pig in your living room.
* Write down a snappy comeback for every possible situation imaginable.
* Devise own “taste test” lab to discover once and for all which condiment works best on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
* Revitalize entire wardrobe for spring using only a hot glue gun and ice cream sprinkles.
* See how long you can walk around your house wearing a colander on your head, oven mitts on your hands and soup ladles strapped to your feet before becoming convinced you’re your own kitchen.
* Start cap gun fight with the cops parked right outside your apartment window.
* Pit M&M’s and Skittles against each other in battle to the death. Winner takes on Reese’s Pieces.
* Perfect monkey impersonation by not shaving and attaching extension cord to ass.
* Play Scrabble using Jody Foster’s language from Nell.
* Pretend you’re in prison. Try to escape by hiding in your own laundry basket.
* Edit messages on Valentine candy hearts with a red pen and eye for clarity.
* Start dance craze by continuously performing in front of window for all to see.
* Reopen old Hot Wheels Auto Mechanic Playset. Patiently wait for customers.