Friday, January 16, 2009

Fun Indoor Activities Now That the Exceedingly Cold Weather Will No Doubt Keep You Housebound Forever and Ever

With seemingly the entire nation in the white-knuckled grip of frigid temperatures certain to keep us homebound for days on end (it's currently 10 degrees here in New York City, -17 degrees in Minneapolis and a shockingly arctic 74 degrees in San Diego) here is a list of fun, easy-to-do family activities to help put off any Jack Torrance-like fate for at least a few hours:

* Discover for yourself the fine line between “functioning alcoholic” and “engaging in fistfight with own stove.”

* Dress all in black. Don ski mask. Crouch behind sofa. Giggle in anticipation.

* Make a sock puppet. Place sock puppet on hand. Repeatedly punch hand into wall. Determine lingering effects on sock puppet’s speech pattern.

* Bake several gingerbread men. Give each a mission and a Luger.

* Dial every prime phone number in White Pages.

* Fashion scaled down Vera Wang-like wedding couture for your cats using dishtowels for trains and cheesecloth for veils.

* Wonder why houseplants never wear cravats. Rectify that.

* Come up with a fascinating back story and devious motive for each and every one of your spoons.

* Cover yourself in pillows. Play “Human Pinball.”

* Cover yourself in saltines. Play “Cracker Man.”

* Go to Google. Type in “porn + power tools.” Sit back and marvel at the ingenuity of your fellow man.

* Hold a Hawaiian luau by killing and burying a succulent pig in your living room.

* Write down a snappy comeback for every possible situation imaginable.

* Devise own “taste test” lab to discover once and for all which condiment works best on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

* Revitalize entire wardrobe for spring using only a hot glue gun and ice cream sprinkles.

* See how long you can walk around your house wearing a colander on your head, oven mitts on your hands and soup ladles strapped to your feet before becoming convinced you’re your own kitchen.

* Start cap gun fight with the cops parked right outside your apartment window.

* Pit M&M’s and Skittles against each other in battle to the death. Winner takes on Reese’s Pieces.

* Perfect monkey impersonation by not shaving and attaching extension cord to ass.

* Play Scrabble using Jody Foster’s language from Nell.

* Pretend you’re in prison. Try to escape by hiding in your own laundry basket.

* Edit messages on Valentine candy hearts with a red pen and eye for clarity.

* Start dance craze by continuously performing in front of window for all to see.

* Reopen old Hot Wheels Auto Mechanic Playset. Patiently wait for customers.


Sarah said...

The word cravat is truly underused in comedy today. Thank you.

JPB said...

I've already performed said taste test and the answer is "bacon."

JPB said...

PS My kids are, at this very moment, making a "scaled down model of the Titanic" with COSTCO boxes, hot glue guns and...wait for it...Xacto knives. What's the number for 9-1-1, again? Cuz, I'm adding that to the list...

D.B. Echo said...

jfruh said...

All possible snappy answers have already been come up with by Mad Magazine for its "Snappy Answers To Stupid Question" feature, so any attempt to do so independently would be redundant.

yellojkt said...

Go to Google. Type in “porn + power tools.” Sit back and marvel at the ingenuity of your fellow man.
Been there, done that.

Play Scrabble using Jody Foster’s language from Nell.
Not enough 'm's and 'b's in the set.