Saturday, January 31, 2009
How to Celebrate Super Bowl Sunday in Style
Don’t commence drinking at the start of the pre-game show. Otherwise, you’ll die of alcohol poisoning a good two days before kickoff.
If hosting, try to maintain a convivial atmosphere even after Bruce Springsteen's rousing halftime medley of My City in Ruins/American Skin (41 Shots)
Despite all your hours of practicing, all those expensive dance lessons, none of the partygoers will be impressed by your flawless performance of “The Super Bowl Shuffle.”
Should the game prove to be boring or a blow-out, keep the party going with a quilting bee.
Shouting “Some of us are trying to read here!” will only alienate you from your fellow bar patrons.
Telling guests at great length your home’s “Proper Rules for Party Conduct” will only result in what police typically refer to as “spite damage.”
Use the large gathering to help defray costs and celebrate two events concurrently, such as “Go Steelers!/We Miss You, Miriam.”
See how many times you can quip “I didn’t know buffaloes had wings” before someone goes for your throat.
Save all questions like “What's the name of the team with the birds on their hats?” for Google.
Remember, there is only a two-second difference between “celebratory hug” and “stay the night.”
If you cannot afford HDTV, screw with the set’s color and tint controls until everything is red and blue. Then put on 3-D glasses.
“I’m gonna drink until my heart’s pumping Cuervo Gold” should be an idle boast at best.
Feel a part of the game by saying the same thing at the same time as the announcers for the length of the broadcast.
If you are in charge of festivities, try to be generous with the food. After all, one personal pan pizza and a six-pack of Pabst is not a Super Bowl party. It’s a last meal in Lubbock, Texas.
Bring a towel to snap at fellow guests to help keep the mood light and fun.
Should you be invited to a Super Bowl party but have no interest in professional football, subtly try to steer the evening’s conversation toward the latest Harper’s Index.
If you are even mildly turned on by Animal Planet's Puppy Bowl cheerleaders, it’s time to go home.
Telling the television set “This isn’t over” after your team loses will more than likely unnerve your fellow viewers.
Note that on any other day subsisting entirely on nachos supreme, chicken strips and Natural Light would be a drastic cry for help.
Avoid cursing in front of any children by redirecting your anger into random punching.
Screaming “Don’t look at me!!!” is not going to make your crying over a sappy television commercial any less awkward.
Understand that no amount of laudatory comments, no number of sun-drenched footage, is going to make the Super Bowl host city of Tampa Bay, Florida look in the least bit inviting.
Wonder if it's possible for the Obama marketing campaign to sue the new Pepsi markeying campaign for copyright infringement..
“Wanna take this outside?!?” is no way to resolve a disagreement over the Land of the Lost movie ad.
When painting your entire body in your team’s colors, remember this handy phrase—“Lead equals dead.”
Use the occasion to catch up with old friends’ current salaries. Measure your self-worth accordingly. .
Blame the refs for everything from team favoritism to your nail gun accident.
Abstain from saying things like “The girls on The View will have a field day with this!” out loud.
Know that as of this writing, no one has ever been able to appeal to a bookie’s “forgiving side.”
“Now what did we all learn from this?” is no way to wrap up a Super Bowl party.