Friday, September 12, 2008

Remarks That Turn Any First Date into a Last Encounter

“I’m really into ‘anger painting’ now. This one I titled Mother.”

“When’s that Chinaman going to bring us our food?”

“Eyeglasses? Phil didn’t tell me you were handicapped.”

“So then my mom started crying and my dad started yelling and I thought, ‘All right, all right, I’ll give this whole heterosexual dating scene one last try.’”

“I dropped out of school when they switched People’s Court to a noon timeslot.”

The Weekly Standard? That liberal rag?”

“Like the outfit? It’s an exact copy of the one Luke wore when he rescued Han from Jabba.”

“I’ll bet you $3000 those two squirrels are gonna tussle.”

“Uh oh. All the pills in my Thursday compartment are gone. Wait, was yesterday Thursday? Oh well, a few from the Saturday compartment should help me remember…”

“I thought it might save time if I went to the movies before our date.”

“This flask’s gotten me through three marriages and two years at Betty Ford.”

“Jesus! When did vending machine food become so expensive?!?”

“Better wear this or they’ll steal your thoughts, too.”

“Oh crap, they found me. Quick, get in the cab! NOW!!!”

“I used to be into skydiving but now I’m into just leaping.”

“Your eyes. Your beautiful eyes. I must have them.”

“Sometimes I fear I’m losing my mind. But then I just burst out laughing for 45 minutes and eventually forget what I was even worried about.”

2 comments:

yellojkt said...

"Do your thong panties ride up as bad as mine do?"

mintzworks said...

You're not nearly as funny as your sister.

Nor as good looking as your mother.