Monday, September 15, 2008

Instant Messaging with My Brother, A Former Corporate Mascot

The following is a transcript of an instant message chat I once had my brother Marcello, who in addition to being a technician for a once powerful Internet search company also portrayed the company's mascot.

Marcello: Ces!

Ces: Cello! How are you?

Marcello: Not bad. Was the (Company) Dog at a museum exhibit.

Ces: Oh...Didn't expect to read that. What did you do?

Marcello: Usual. Waved at school kids. Danced a bit. You know, typical advanced dog tricks.

Ces: Sounds like fun.

Marcello: Yeah, you'd think so. My entire body is covered in black-and-blue marks.

Ces: From what? Wearing the heavy costume?

Marcello: From getting repeatedly punched.

Ces: Punched?!

Marcello: Punched, Ces! The kids punched me! I'm here to tell you that children are bastards. Mean, viscious, wholly evil bastards!

Ces: What happened?!

Marcello: Remember that Simpsons epsiode when Homer doubles for Krusty at parties and big events? And he tells Lenny what hard, tiring work it is, "But when I see how those little kids' eyes light up...I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something"?

Ces: Oh god.

Marcello: They wouldn't stop, Ces! The little kids wanted hugs, so I gave them hugs. They were actually really adorable. But when the junior high school kids would ask for a hug...

Ces: Oh shit.

Marcello: I would stretch out my arms and then BAM! Straight in the gut!

Ces: Every time?

Marcello: Every fucking time! They were relentless!

Ces: Then why did you keep stretching out your arms?

Marcello: Because I'm a chocolate lab, Ces! I'm supposed to be friendly! Plus, I think I'm monitored.

Ces: Couldn't you do anything?

Marcello: Like what? Wave at kids from behind a pillar? Start swinging wildly at anyone over the age of 12? I'm not even allowed to talk! I'm defenseless, Ces! Defenseless!

Ces: But what about the people who were supposedly with you? You know, monitoring. Couldn't they do anything?

Marcello: They were too busy taking pictures! Every time I got clocked I saw a flash go off. They said it was the best sponsored event they ever had.

Ces: I'm so sorry, Cello.

Marcello: And you know what? It was never the kids from the city. It was never the poor kids from the tough parts of town. It was always these over-privileged white bastards who kept punching me! Every time I got punched it was some grinning white boy. I'm serious, Ces. I think I hate white people now.

Ces: How long did this go on?

Marcello: About an hour. Maybe more. I lost count when I started to pass out.

Ces: From the punching?

Marcello: No, heat stroke.

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