Friday, August 1, 2008

Wal-Mart Knows What You Want. Wal-Mart Knows What You Need. Wal-Mart Knows Where You Live.

Just as they did during the 2006 Congressional elections, Wal-Mart is once more trying to prevent any of its employees from voting Democrat, as highlighted here by Huffington Post writer and The Nation contributor Allison Kilkenny.

Interesting enough, while doing a little research on today's Bizarro I came across a memorandum Wal-Mart sent out to its entire staff that not only tells its workers which party to support but also how best to toe the company line. What follows are some of that missive's more pertinent points:

"When someone attacks this company they are attacking you. After all, Wal-Mart is like one, big happy family and you are the Guatemalan housekeeper we occasionally take with us on vacation."

"Despite what the Democrats may say, we at Wal-Mart are all about racial diversity. Hence the 'Sanford and Son' DVDs in our entertainment section."

"Our enemies like to mention that we don't provide health insurance to 56% of our employees. Well, Costco doesn't give out gold dubloons to 100% of their employees. Point is, you can make anything sound bad with a noun, a percentage and the word 'don't.'"

"Whenever you have any doubts on how to vote just ask yourself, 'What would Jesus do?' (Answer: He would vote no on mandatory payroll expenditures for employee benefits)."

"If a friend or neighbor criticizes our company, respond by highlighting all the good Wal-Mart does. For example, should someone say, 'Wal-Mart drives down wages in urban areas,' just retort 'You know what else they drove down? The price of Bubblicious.'"

"The only reason we hide the cameras and monitoring devices in the breakroom is because of Feng Shui."

"Everyday low prices on 4C for kids' lemonade stands and Econo-size savings on Cheetos for church potluck dinners are just two of the many charitable contributions Wal-Mart makes to its communities."

"We at Wal-Mart can't tell you who to vote for on Election Day. Consequently, you can't tell us who to keep on our payroll come November 5th. It's called checks and balances and it's what makes our nation so great."


bobo said...

I think you're did a good job filling in for Bizarro. I know that you got a lot of criticism on the Bizarro blog, but I think most of them were good (I wasn't personally too fond of the tonsil fairy, but hey, to each her own).

Andrea said...

The scary thing - these could be real. They're not that far from the truth.