Things You Will Never Overhear at the 2008 Summer Olympics

"Breathe in deep that fresh Beijing air. Smell that? That's the smell of freedom, my boy."

“Wow, NBC hasn’t focused on a single American athlete yet.”

“If you ever needed proof that rhythmic gymnastics is a real sport, there it is.”

“Remember, this broadcast is our big chance to really asks our Chinese hosts the hard political and ethical questions."

“You want to see team unity? You should check out the Italians.”

“China and Taiwan have decided to share the gold medal.”

“This is the Olympics. We don’t need your corporate sponsorships.”

“I’m getting sick and tired of Canada’s uppity attitude.”

“We completely sold out of modern pentathlon T-shirts again.”

“The network only wants objective ‘video diaries’ on the athletes. Don’t play on the viewers’ emotions.”

“Now that I won the gold, I want to become a professional discus thrower.”

"And over there is the official press booth for Chinese bloggers."

“And yet another synchronized swimming team will be performing to Sister Christian.”

“For me, nothing embodies the true spirit of the Ancient Olympic games like beach volleyball.”

“It’s 9 a.m. and the Irish soccer team looks fresh-faced, bright-eyed and ready for action.”

“Jeez, it seems like simply everybody’s rooting for the United States these days.”

"And though he failed to garner a single medal for China, I'm sure his family remains unharmed."

“Man, Portugal’s winning everything!”