Santa’s Pre-Flight Checklist

• Unless you still think the best route to Cameroon is US 95 South, do not consult MapQuest again.

• For the love of God, place the new puppies on TOP of the sled gift pile this year

• Keep pre-flight partying to a minimum, especially any grand ideas to mix Jagermeister and egg nog. “Jag Nog”—what the hell was that?

• Bring note informing little Jimmy Tilbert of Dayton, Ohio for the third year in a row that there does not exist a two-player party game called “Hammer Fight.”

• Bring own snack food. Raiding kitchens in America because you’re starving is bad enough. Raiding kitchens in Uzbekhastan is just plain heartless.

• This year don’t forget that several million children also live in trailers…and Wyoming.

• Avoid having to rent Ryder truck at last minute by making certain reindeer are actually connected to sled before take-off.

• Fulfill promise to brother-in-law and bring along CD recording of his band “Illinoise” to listen to on trip.

• Switch from Sprint to another cell phone provider before Christmas Eve. Not being able to get a signal in Krakow is understandable. Not being to get a signal in midtown Manhattan is inexcusable.

• Give elves their usual Christmas bonus—a $25 gift certificate to the Outback Steakhouse.

• Save time, travel and headaches by organizing gifts in bag according to country, not child’s height.

• No matter how bad it gets out there that night, just keep telling yourself, “Hey, at least I’m no longer working in marketing.”

• Instead of packing several hundred different suits so as to adhere to each region’s traditional depiction of St. Nick, introduce universal “Gap Santa” outfit.

• Try for once not to give rich kids everything they never needed and poor kids a “sampling” of crayons swiped from pediatricians’ waiting rooms.

• If any child sees you, quickly apply “sleeper hold.”