While visiting my parents over the holidays I unearthed a treasure trove of New Year's predictions I had made over the many, many years. At first I thought it would be fun to look back and see just how close my prognostications were. I thought wrong. But damn it if I'm going to let all those man-hours go to waste so please enjoy the following "So-Close Predictions":
In 1985 Vanessa Williams will be forced to relinquish her crown, thereby ending her long and troubled reign as Queen of England.
In 1988 the California Raisins will sweep the nation, then Canada and finally Mexico, assuming complete control of North America by August.
In 1993 President Bill Clinton will sign the Brady Bill, ensuring continuous economic support for Florence Henderson, Eve Plumb and Barry Williams.
In 1994 a leading sports figure will be charged with multiple homicide, leading many to wonder how things could have gone so horribly wrong for the Philadelphia Phanatic.
In 1981 music television will come to cable, signifying the electrifying return of Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme.
In 1989, the Berlin Wall will be torn down and replaced with an invisible force field and heavily armed cyborg guards.
In 1997 the movie "Titanic" will shatter all records, becoming the most successful direct-to-video film to date.
In 1991 the Cold War will finally come to an end as we all hail our new world leaders, the Dutch.