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"I don't like you and you don't like me. But if we focus that mutual hatred on the opposing team maybe we can break their star player's kneecaps or something."
"To win you have to stay hungry. To stay hungry you have to want something. To want something means there is a horrible, crippling void in your life."
"Only you can love yourself. After all, there's a reason hookers won't kiss you on the lips."
"Some days you feel invincible. But only Superman is invincible. The rest of us could die from a stray bullet or tampered Flinstones chewable like that!"
"We can't all be winners. So, you know, keep that in mind when you're 50 and sobbing."
"I want you all to remember the words of my father--'You're not much to look at but your mother seems to have grown attached to you.'"
"Each day I wake up healthy and alive probably costs me 80 to 100 bucks easy."
"Once there was a train who thought he could...but he couldn't. Got suicidal. Eventually drove itself into a canyon. Hence my new team motto--'No trestles!'"
"Orphans have it easy. No one around expecting them to make something of their lives. The rest of us can only fail in others' eyes."
"One day you'll look back on this very moment and think, 'I could have used this time to nap.'"
"Well, it's not like any of us were planning on becoming professional ballplayers or financially solvent adults any way."
"Listen to your heart, because your mind is only going to remind you how getting an English degree in college was like flushing all your potential down the crapper."
"It's only when you stop needing to win do you realize you've gone six days without shaving or changing your shirt."
"Make no mistake--Uhura was fiiiiiiiiine."
"Some people can only brag. Others can only whine. I can spend up to six hours straight humming the theme to Courageous Cat and Minute Mouse."
“Remember--they can't kill you if you're already dead inside."