"Man and monkey did not evolve from the same species. They didn't! You know how I know? Because I have eaten both and the tastes are remarkably dissimilar."
"Sure, the Constitution states 'Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.' People say a lot of things. I once told me wife I was going to get the brakes fixed on our car. Didn't get around to it. Wanted some 'me' time. Two days later she drove right through a special ed school. Killed some kids. Big ones, too. That's what happens when you take prayer out of the classroom."
"Terrorism is happening because we as a nation have turned our back on God. Some of you might say, 'But if God is everywhere how can we turn our backs on Him? That doesn't make any sense.' Well, sometimes God steps away to do some filing. He's very organized. You have to be when you're the Almighty Creator. Otherwise, you have birds piloting aircraft and that simply wouldn't work."
"Halloween is an abomination, a dark temptation. It encourages young Irish boys and girls to cut school, consume alcohol, get into fights and fornicate right on the parade route. Now, you might be thinking I've confused Halloween with St. Patrick's Day but let me tell you, those Micks will use any holiday as an excuse to get drunk."
"Termites don't build things. Christians do. Termites only destroy. Have you ever met a Christian termite? I know I haven't. Sure, maybe a few that were Methodist, but that's like mistaking fishstick for lobster. I think I've made my point."
"Our strategy against the radical American left should be one of guerilla warfare. We have to remain undetected, use stealth, operate under cover of night, always alternating between our bedroom and bathroom windows as we fire off as many rounds of ammo as possible. If you accidentally shoot a dog, so be it. Man is the master of all beasts and no lawsuit is going to convince me otherwise."
"Call me old-fashioned but I think non-believers should be manacled, publicly flayed and set afire by the Council of Elders with the assistance of the town smithy."
"The feminist agenda is not about equal rights. It's an anti-family movement that results in wives getting jobs and me ending up home alone burning Gino's Pizza Rolls for dinner. Really, if I wanted to learn to work a convection oven I would have turned gay."
"Guess how many quarters I can fit in my mouth. Go on, take a wild guess. 15! 15 quarters in my mouth! Now, a Jew would have just taken that money. A Catholic would have wasted it on candles or incense or an eighth child. But I shoved 'em all in there, cheek to cheek."
"The Rapture is fast approaching and it's going to hit the atheists like a hurricane. Sure, they can try to board up their souls with excuses or try to escape to higher ground with their sinful drugs, but there will be no avoiding this righteous hurricane. Unless, of course, water temperatures cool off in the Gulf, causing the winds to die down. Then we might just get some light rain. But the weekend looks good so start planning those picnics now."