Monday, March 2, 2009

What More Could Go Wrong?


With the Dow Jones in free-fall, plunging below the 7,000 mark for the first time since October 1997, people everywhere are wondering what more could go wrong. Here's your answer:

* After a nice, long vacation you come home to find your dog wearing your clothes, answering to your name and pointing a gun at your head.

* What you had always believed was a childhood alien abduction proves, under hypnosis, to have been an exceedingly unpleasant weekend with your uncle instead.

* After 10 years of home schooling your children you discover that the film History of the World Part One was in fact a joke.

* Authorities trace all those threatening phone calls you’ve been receiving to your split personality.

* While enjoying a late night swim you notice that “Beware of sharks” is listed as Number Five under “Pool Rules.”

* You wake up from anesthesia to hear the surgeon say, “Wait, does renal mean liver or kidney?”

* You accomplish all 12 steps in AA and attain full sobriety only to learn that you’re still a complete asshole.

* One day it dawns on you that you were not so much “adopted” as “won,” that you don’t so much originally hail from “Europe” as “a travelling carnival” and that you’re not so much “human” as “a large, pink teddy bear.”

* Your homemade robot achieves full artificial intelligence the very moment you realize you need his parts for your kit car.

* While attending a science exhibit with your high school class you’re bitten by a radioactive spider, causing you to vomit acid on all your meals to aid in digestion.

* The leprechaun informs you that “Neapolitan ice cream” counts for all three of your magic wishes.

* You find as the last surviving human of nuclear Armageddon you now have all the time and privacy in the world with which to read, only to be mauled by a bear.

* While driving drunk you smash into a clown car, resulting in 46 personal injury lawsuits.

* As President of the United States you introduce the Premier of China to the melodic strains of “Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting.”

* Terrorists attack the Shoney’s where you’ve been working for the past 20 years but fail to kill you.

8 comments:

Josh said...

Pretty funny stuff, but the home-schooling joke was kind of bad. It just reinforces the negative stereotype that all home schooled kids are taught nonsense.

Lori said...

...as opposed to those of us who went to public school, who were taught nonsense without the help of our parents. HA!

no, seriously, i think my parents might have been smarter than some of my teachers.

Brian Smith said...

True story: My world history teacher in middle school insisted it was spelled "Anarctica." Her pet peeve was people who spelled it with an "Ant," because as she noted, "There's no ants there." If we spelled it "Antarctica" we got points deducted.

So I have hard and fast evidence that my parents were smarter than some of my teachers. And I loved the "History of the World" joke.

Josh said...

Brian & Lori: Ah... the joys of public education. I think I'm going to hold off on having kids until I'm sure I can afford to send them to a quality charter school.

The Old Man said...

Nothing.
As long as you have a skill like plumbing or wiring or fixing cars. Those skills can't be outsourced or roboticized.

Not everybody has to go to college. I didn't - and I be makin' close to $90K/year. DOESN'T suck to be me....

SD said...

1) It isn't the quality of education that homeschoolers get, it's the quality of education they get from people who insist on homechooling.
2) Holy crap, there are people that suck at teaching? Better write off the whole system!
3) Yes, it is important to have skills. Well played, sir. It does not, in fact, appear to suck to be you. Unless you include that chip...

Sara Benincasa said...

I have a master's degree in teaching, and I left the system because I realized my heart wasn't in it and I wanted to pursue something else. Unfortunately, many teachers do not make this choice. And that goes for teachers in public and in independent schools.

That said, I love that we have a free public school system in this country, and because education is the great equalizer, I'll always support our public schools and vote to send my tax money in their direction. Mmmm, tax money.

I'd rather throw money at our flawed public school system than at our flawed wars.

Josh said...

Sara: Why keep wasting money on failed programs when they could explore better alternatives instead? (i.e. charter schools, removing our troops, ect.)