Thursday, July 31, 2008

Ted's Top Interior Decorating Tips

"Knock down all interior walls, buy 22 store mannequins, outfit them with helmets and jerseys, magnetize the floorboards and voilà! Life-size electronic football!"

"Put restroom signs on all your bathrooms. Then when a guest asks if they can use your bathroom say, 'Restrooms are for customers only' and demand they buy something or get out."

"Prevent burglars from being able to sneak into your house by replacing carpeting with bubble wrap."

"Can't fall asleep? Attach an adult musical mobile over your bed featuring your favorite soft rock classics. After all, nothing will have you tapping your toes in the land of Nod like 'Eye in the Sky.'"

"Construct one continuous Habittrail through every room in your home. Launch an Estes rocket inside it every hour on the hour."

"Display cases are okay for collectibles. But if you really want to man it up you need to remember two simple words--'curio shelf.'"

"Nothing says, 'I lost everything in the divorce/stock market/grease fire' like black pressboard cabinets. But add a small vase with single carnation on top and suddenly you're exclaiming, 'I'm feelin' fine and makin' do!'"

"Children are a cheap source of framable art."

"If you find yourself Febrezing your couch more than three times a week and you don't have a pet then consult your gastroenterologist immediately."

"If I've said it once I've said it a thousand times--love makes a home but kettle cozies make an impression."


ksharp said...

Forget Jeff Lewis. Ted Forth should be the new star of Bravo's "Flipping Out"

Kaitlyn said...

HGTV has nothing on Ted.

Wallsy said...

Was it intentional that Ted said "viola" instead of "voilà"?

yellojkt said...

Life size Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots.

Francesco Marciuliano said...

Wallsy: I wish it were. Will change now.