Monday, July 14, 2008

The Lost Blog Posts of B.C. Cartoonist Johnny Hart

"Why can a family gesture to themselves and say, 'We're Jewish' but I can't point at them and say, 'The Jews'? What kind of world do we live in where they can teach the Koran in a Muslim Studies class but not the Bible in a Macroeconomics course? When did women start wearing pants and writing things other then the annual family Christmas letter? We live in confusing times, people, and I for one blame hip-hop."

"The war in Iraq, the rise in terrorism, that Italian who got elected to our school board. These are all signs of the coming Apocalypse. Soon the righteous will be taken to God and the rest will see what happens when you no longer have school vouchers to help limit your kids' dating pool."

"The great thing about being born again is that guy who commited all those bank heists no longer exits, so I'm in the clear."

"Of course it is well within the right of a parent to hit their children should they be disrespectful. Why, just last week my son spouted some nonsense about 'other religions' and I immediately whipped out my trusty belt ('Buckles') to set him straight. But then his teenage daughter had to go burst into tears and his wife threatened to arrest me for attempted manslaughter, so I put 'Buckles' back on the nail by the front door as a reminder that no one gives credence to Episcopalians under my roof."

"Sometimes when I'm standing on back porch at night I look up at the stars and think I could almost touch them. Then I get up on a chair and give it a try. When that doesn't work I get a broom handle, hoping to knock one down. No luck so far but one day I'll possess Heaven's fire and then no zoning board will be able to tell me where I can and cannot shoot ducks."

"Science is the worst thing to happen to American society since the Bravo Channel. Why must we be forced again and again to hear such untruths as evolution, carbon dating and flightless birds? After all, life--all that we see around us--is the work of a sole, supreme intelligent designer. A designer with limitless power but only so much resources and time. That's why not every one got to be white."

"I think what I like most about 'The Flinstones' is its verisimilitude."

"While it is true that the United States of America was founded on the principle of religious freedom for all, that liberty was never intended to exalt other religions to the level Christianity holds in our country's heritage. I firmly believe USA's founders expected that Christians--and only Christians--would set the dialogue for our nation, be permitted to run for public office or walk outside after 6 P.M., be allowed dine on home intruders, be awarded as much land as could be traveresed in a fortnight by jetpack, all be named John and be imbued with the power to alter the very physical structure of trees with a simple stare."

"Charlie Daniels should be made our nation's Poet Laureate. He put the devil in its place. Robert Pinsky couldn't even play the fiddle."

"Some people say if gay couples can't be married because of religious doctrine then why can't they have a civil union? After all, some people say, that way their marriages can't be judged solely on one group's notion of sin but rather regarded in legal terms. Some people then go on to say that a lot of straight couples are married outside of the church and yet their marriages are still recognized by society, so why can't the same benefits be extended to gay and lesbian marriages? Some people apparently don't realize that freedom of speech is a gift that's best left unopened."

"When people ask me if B.C. takes place in prehistoric times or in a postapocalyptic future, I always say the same thing--'According to the Bible, comic strips don't exist.'"


TimWB said...

Okay, I knew Hart was a fundamentalist, but not that he was crazy.
You got a beef with the guy?
I mean, Italians and Episcopalians?

Wallsy said...

Actually, the idea that BC is set in a post-apocalyptic future makes perfect sense. And all this time I thought it was just a really stupid comic.

PlaidPhantom said...

And to top it all off, wallsy, the post-apocalyptic future bit is actual canon, IIRC.

yellojkt said...

I think it all took place in a snow-globe in a autistic kid's head.

Chris Sifflet said...

Someone made a reference to St. Elsewhere. You've got smart people commenting on your blog. I only get assholes like you and kambri. Oops i meant @$$h*le$. Didn't mean to make the language so obvious. You. Me. Dark Knight. IMAX. JEALOUSY ANYONE? How many days will it take for this comment to be deleted. Lets ask mister owl.

Wallsy said...

yellojkt, are you familiar with the Tommy Westphall multiverse?