Aquarius: Sooner or later you are going to have to realize that all the alcohol, all the powerful hallucinogenics, all the anonymous sex with groups of three or four people at a time simply will not bring back Becker.
Pisces: Proclaiming that your new film is a wrenching exploration of existential crisis does not excuse that fact that your main character took a full two-thirds of the movie to decide between Dial and Lever 2000.
Aries: Everything will be going your way both professionally and personally until the fateful day you arrive home to find your dog sitting upright on your favorite chair, drinking your best sherry and stating, “Things are going to be a lot different from here on out. A lot different.”
Taurus: "I sure do like them Latinas" will prove no way to start an out-of-office automatic email reply.
Gemini: Breeding a new race of “lobstermen” will not only earn you the awe of your contemporaries but will more or less make the scientific community’s “publish or perish” credo a moot point in your case.
Cancer: Everything that you have been raised to believe, everything that you have ever held to be true will be completely discredited by a quote from Ali Lohan.
Leo: While the phrase "Your dreams shall shatter when the laughing tree knocks" sounds like a curious proverb, you'll be surprised just how matter-of-fact it truly is.
Virgo: Your insistence on referring to them as "clients" will only further put off the parishioners in your flock.
Libra: The heebie-jeebies, the willies, the screaming meemies and the jimjams will all prove to be just some of the daily drawbacks to accepting a job as the assistant to a clown.
Scorpio: Your suggestion to rename the magazine Backdoor Babes will be met by stunned silence from everyone at The Economist.
Sagittarius: Yelling “Get out of dreams, get into my car!” will not only fail to lessen your nightmares but also confuse the hideous creatures that inhabit within.
Capricorn: Your ongoing belief that “you have to fight for your right to party” will result in one of the most awkward company picnics ever.