Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Things Not to Say at the Family Thanksgiving Table

“I’ve been thinking—just because you’re born into one religion doesn’t mean you have to stay in that religion, right?”

“I see you stuffed another of God’s magnificent creatures with 4C Bread Crumbs again, Mom.”

“I’m not high!…Oh, wait. No one asked me that, did they?”

“No thanks. I gave up drinking after I saw the toll it took on Aunt Jane over here.”

“Man, does my shrink have your number.”

“That’s the difference between Sis and me. Some people have children. Others have lives.”

“Say, did we ever figure out which one of you stole Grandma’s jewelry?”

“Why do you keep avoiding pronouns when talking about your new significant other?”

“And to think right now I could be skiing…or sleeping.”

“Why would I get married now when I can name five guys off the top of my head I’d like to screw?”

“I didn’t lose my job. I lost my temper. Then they took my job.”

“Remember that $20 you lent me? I need 40 more just like it.”

“Of course I love my sibling. I also love my tequila. But in the end they both make me throw up.”

“You don’t have the same hair color as the rest of the family. You don’t act like the rest of the family. You’re not Asian. When are you finally going to put two and two together?!”

“Mommy No. 1 was prettier.”

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