Friday, July 6, 2007

Quotes from Ted Forth's Prolonged Unemployment

“The mice don’t really do my bidding, Sal. They just hear me out.”

“What is it about hard lemonade that goes down so soft so often?”

“Sure, the neighbors laugh now. But soon they will come to respect my cape and cowl.”

“Look, Sal! Look! Look! If I yell loud enough and long enough you can actually see the news anchor on the TV twitch!”

“I lost $11,000 in online cribbage.”

“At first it was just a convenient way to always have a ‘To Do’ list on me. But then I found I really like branding.”

“Listen, Sal, I’m sorry to call you at work but…but…but a fly got in the house and–AUGH!!! IT FOUND ME!!! IT FOUND ME!!! AUUUUUUGH!!!”

“I was going to build a bookshelf but then I thought, ‘Why not just nail all our books to the wall?”

“And now for my one-man ‘Medea’…”

“It’s our very own castle, Sal. Right in our backyard. I made it myself. And you wanted me to throw out all those cans of Tab.”

“Listen, Sal, it’s probably best if you don’t keep screaming, ‘Is that a meth lab in our mud room?!?’”

“DON’T OPEN THE DOOR, SAL! We’re filming in here!”

“It was easy, Sal. I just got one of your dresses, cut off some of your hair while you were asleep and ta-da! Twinsies!”

“It’s all for you, Damien!…Uh, I mean Hilary.”


Rob said...

I think it was the early beat poet and philosopher, Marcie, who said:

"You're weird, sir."

But you're the best kind of weird.

dougputhoff said...

I am imaging Ted as Dame Diana Rigg.

Matt said...

What I find vaguely puzzling about Ted's "prolonged unemployment" is it's just a matter of weeks at this point (unless I've missed the introduction of compressed time into the strip). In terms of average white collar unemployment time, Ted's not even close to the median.

I say take the severance package and work your way through the complete DirecTV listings, channel by channel, a day at a time, or leave flaming bags of dog do on Ralph's porch while Sally's at work if you really want to help out, Ted. Enjoy the time off. Declare yourself to be a Stay at Home Dad for Hil's awkward and never-to-come adolescent years.

By the way, the elegy to firecrackers made me tear up and cry, out of my good eye. Sniff.

Anonymous said...
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yellojkt said...

Welcome back, Ces. I look forward to Ted eventually going stir crazy and channeling Michael Keaton.

Sally will come home one day to catch him muttering "220, 221, whatever it takes" and "Honey if you call and I'm not home I'll be at the gym or the gun club."

Thanks for the blogroll link, btw.

Francesco Marciuliano said...


There was indeed a compressed time strip, jumping the storyline a full 11 weeks. Look for the July 2nd strip here:

Thanks for reading!

Wendy said...

I swear that "udder" was once "utter." You're "Gaslighting" me, right? It's a conspiracy against freelance writers who'll never win an Emmy.

D.B. Echo said...

Ces, as my life is closely paralleling Ted Forth's, you know I'm just waiting for Ted to have a breakthrough and find the perfect job somewhere, so I can follow his lead! That's a "breakthrough", not a "breakdown" - though an argument can be made that the latter has already taken place.

Elephant said...

glad to see you back online, Ces. I think the bookshelf line was my favorite.