“The mice don’t really do my bidding, Sal. They just hear me out.”
“What is it about hard lemonade that goes down so soft so often?”
“Sure, the neighbors laugh now. But soon they will come to respect my cape and cowl.”
“Look, Sal! Look! Look! If I yell loud enough and long enough you can actually see the news anchor on the TV twitch!”
“I lost $11,000 in online cribbage.”
“At first it was just a convenient way to always have a ‘To Do’ list on me. But then I found I really like branding.”
“Listen, Sal, I’m sorry to call you at work but…but…but a fly got in the house and–AUGH!!! IT FOUND ME!!! IT FOUND ME!!! AUUUUUUGH!!!”
“I was going to build a bookshelf but then I thought, ‘Why not just nail all our books to the wall?”
“And now for my one-man ‘Medea’…”
“It’s our very own castle, Sal. Right in our backyard. I made it myself. And you wanted me to throw out all those cans of Tab.”
“Listen, Sal, it’s probably best if you don’t keep screaming, ‘Is that a meth lab in our mud room?!?’”
“DON’T OPEN THE DOOR, SAL! We’re filming in here!”
“It was easy, Sal. I just got one of your dresses, cut off some of your hair while you were asleep and ta-da! Twinsies!”
“It’s all for you, Damien!…Uh, I mean Hilary.”
