Monday, June 7, 2010

Things My Dad Said This Weekend

"You put ketchup on your hot dogs? What are you, Puerto Rican?!"

"There's shit everywhere! And I don't mean 'shit' like I usually mean 'shit' but this time I mean 'shit'!"

"Why can't I call someone 'Oriental' if they are 'Oriental'? You worry too much, Ces."

"No matter how many times I scream from downstairs your deaf mother can't hear me."

"I want to give you one of my pornographic T-shirts. Just let me autograph it first."

"Don't want to bother you while you write, Ces. Just going to sit next to you and sing."

"I love studying rocks. That's why when I was a kid I wanted to be a gynecologist."

"Why do pajama pants have pockets? So you can play with yourself?"

"If we're going out do I have to put on clothes?"

"I forgot what I just forgot. This is why your mother should remember things."

"Too bad your mother has trouble hearing because I sing like an angel."

"Oh god! Oh god! My nuts itch so much!"

"You know, Ces, when you're not so fucking uptight you're actually pretty tolerable."

"What's the sound of getting laid?"

"Wow, everyone on TV sure is ugly."

"Remember to come inside before the raccoons eat you."

"You and your bother were so different growing up, Ces. You were a fag and he was a gangster. I love you."

"One day I'll be wrong, and then I'll probably admit it."

PS: It should be noted that my dad says a lot of loving, astute, wonderful things, too. They're just not as memorable.


Brian Seal said...

I can see you getting a book and tv deal out of this. Maybe even a series starring Shatner.

Naked Bunny with a Whip said...

"If we're going out do I have to put on clothes?"

He has the courage to ask the question we are all thinking. Well, I'm thinking, anyway.

D.B. Echo said...

Hey, what's ge doing with one of my T-shirts?

Eugene said...

I need to meet this man!

Jodi said...

Your dad RULES!

PNB Dave said...

Your dad and my stepdad sound a lot alike. Except your dad is still alive. But you know what I mean.