Monday, May 3, 2010
Conversations with My Brother, A Corporate Mascot
The following are actual phone conversations with my brother, Marcello, from his years as the official Lycos mascot for all Boston corporate events.
Me: Cello! How are you?
Marcello: Not bad. Was the Lycos Dog at the opening of the Star Wars exhbit for the Museum of Science.
Me: Oh...Didn't expect to hear that. What did you do?
Marcello: Usual. Waved at school kids, Danced a bit. You know, usual advanced dog tricks.
Me: Sounds like fun.
Marcello: Yeah, you'd think so. My entire body is covered in black and blue marks.
Me: From what? Wearing the heavy costume?
Marcello: From getting repeatedly punched.
Marcello: Punched, Ces! The kids punched me! I'm here to tell you that children are bastards. Mean, viscious, wholly evil bastards!
Me: What happened?!
Marcello: Remember that Simpsons epsiode when Homer pretends to Krusty at parties and big events? And he tells Lenny what hard tiring work it is, "But when I see how those little kids' eyes light up...I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something"?
Me: Oh god.
Marcello: They wouldn't stop, Ces! The little kids wanted hugs, so I gave them hugs. They were actually really adorable. But when the junior high school kids would ask me for a hug...
Me: Oh no.
Marcello: I would stretch out my arms and then BAM! Straight in the gut!
Me: Every time?
Marcello: Every fucking time! They were relentless!
Me: Then why did you keep stretching out your arms?
Marcello: Because I'm a chocolate lab, Ces! I'm supposed to be friendly! Plus, I think I'm monitored.
Me: Couldn't you do anything?
Marcello: Like what? Wave at kids from behind a pillar? Start swinging wildly at anyone over the age of 12? I'm not even allowed to talk! I'm defenseless, Ces! Defenseless!
Me: But what about the people who were supposedly with you. You know, monitoring. Couldn't they do anything?
Marcello: They were too busy taking pictures! Every time I got clocked I saw a flash go off. They said it was the best sponsored event they ever had.
Me: I'm so sorry, Cello.
Marcello: And you know what? It was never the kids from the city. It was never the poor kids from the tough parts of town. It was always these over-privileged white bastards who kept punching me! Every time I got punched it was some grinning white boy. I'm serious, Ces. I think I hate white people now.
Me: How long did this go on?
Marcello: About an hour. Maybe more. I lost count when I started to pass out.
Me: From the punching?
Marcello: No, heat stroke.
Marcello: Hey, Ces!
Me: Hey there! What's up?
Marcello: Just got barred for life from Gillete Stadium (note: Home of New England Patriots)
Me: I'm sorry, what?
Marcello: Their was some...unpleasantness.
Me: What happened?
Marcello: Got into a fight with the CEO of Monster.com.
Marcello: We were at the Lycos Box at Gillete with my CEO when the Monster guy kept telling me I have a stupid laugh.
Me: Well, it is...distinctive.
Marcello: I know! It's great, right?! So, I told him to go fuck himself. But then my boss got upset because I'm not allowed to talk while in costume.
Me: Wait, you were in the dog suit?!
Marcello: I was on the clock, Ces! Anyway, he got real pissed and yelled, "Do you know who I am?!" So I said, "Yeah, you're a fucking loser!" The we went at it.
Marcello: Do you know how hard it is to beat someone with fabric hands?
Me: Oh god...
Marcello: Eventually I just started choking him and we rolled down the aisle. Then the little pussy started crying, security came and I got escorted out of the stadium in handcuffs, still in costume.
Marcello: But on the plus side, I remembered to keep waving at the kids as they drove me off.