Well, it's almost Valentine's Day—or as anyone not presently involved in a relationship likes to call it, "The Second Sunday of February." Whether you are hoping to embrace or simply endure the upcoming holiday, here are some helpful hints to make the most/least of the big/nothing day ahead:
How to Celebrate Valentine's Day
• Select a restaurant where the ambience cannot succinctly be captured by the phrases "Now with Six Large-Screen TVs!" or "All-Night Rolling Rock Specials!"
• A gift does not have to be expensive to be expressive of your true feelings. That said, any present that prominently features the statement "Best if used by this date" may say little more than just that you passed a corner grocer on your way home.
• While you are certainly not expected to pen a romantic sonnet for the ages, do remember that a Valentine's Day card is not the proper medium to showcase your ribald sense of humor, your unwillingness to let go of any past grievances or your ability to find just the right word to rhyme with "booty."
How to Tolerate Valentine's Day
• While you need not avoid restaurants this Sunday, it may prevent you from remarking to any celebrants within earshot just how fat people get when they are in a long-term relationship.
• Amuse yourself by always preceding the phrase "happy couple" with the word "supposedly."
• Should a coworker ask if you have a date for the big day, quickly yet politely change the topic of conversation to address your fellow employee's remarkably poor taste in fashion, their woeful skin care regimen or just about any failing on their part that immediately catches your eye and ire.